“A new study reveals that one-third of babies in the U.S. have used a smartphone. Yeah, and one-third of babies in China have MADE a smartphone.” MadeUsedStudyBabyThirdsYeahChinaSmartphones Author:Conan O'Brien
“Hillary Clinton is making income inequality a central theme in her campaign. Yeah, for example, today she pointed out that her husband makes $300 million a year. She has to get by on $200 million a year, and that's not fair.” YearsTodayMillionsExampleHusbandFairsYeahClintonCampaignsIncomeInequalityThemeNot FairIncome Inequality Author:Conan O'Brien
“Scientists are adding an extra second to the year 2015. Yeah. Here's the bad news. You just wasted it listening to this joke.” YearsListeningNewsJokesScientistYeahExtrasBad News Author:Conan O'Brien
“It's been reported that some of Arnold Schwarzenegger's opponents have been circulating naked pictures of Arnold on the Internet. Yeah, in a related story, Arnold is leading the other candidates by four inches.” Has BeensStoriesFourInternetYeahNakedRelatedOpponentsCandidatesInchesSchwarzenegger Author:Conan O'Brien
“John Kerry is busy trying to raise money right now for his campaign. It was reported today that Kerry's hoping to raise $80 million before the Democratic convention. That's a lot of money. Yeah, Kerry has two ways to raise the $80 million: soliciting Democratic donors and going through his wife's purse.” WayTryingTwoTodayMillionsWifeRight NowRaisesYeahDemocraticBusyCampaignsConventionsLots Of MoneyTwo WaysPursesJohn KerryDonors Author:Conan O'Brien
“Mitt Romney is saying his comments about liking to fire people were taken out of context. Yeah, what he actually said was he likes to set poor people on fire.” PeopleSaidPoorTakenFireYeahLikesCommentPoor PeopleRomneyOf Context Author:Conan O'Brien
“One of the candidates running for governor is a 100-year-old woman. Yeah, the 100-year-old says she'd like to recall Governor Gray Davis, but more importantly, she'd like to recall where she left her teeth.” YearsRunningLeftYeahTeethCandidatesGrayGovernorsRecallsOld Woman Author:Conan O'Brien
“Earlier today Martha Stewart issued a statement saying 'I am innocent and will fight to clear my name.' Yeah, Martha then said 'I look forward to the day when people stop thinking I am guilty and get back to thinking I am cold and arrogant.'” PeopleThinkingLooksSaidTodayFightingNamesClearColdYeahStatementsInnocentGuiltyGet BackArrogant Author:Conan O'Brien
“Bob Dole is going to be appearing in a Pepsi commercial with Britney Spears. Yeah, apparently Dole says that if this doesn't cure his erectile dysfunction, nothing will.” IfsYeahCuresBobAppearingSpearsDysfunctionPepsi Author:Conan O'Brien
“Hillary Clinton has reportedly accepted Barack Obama's offer to become secretary of state. That's what they're saying in the New York Times. Yeah, according to Bill Clinton, this is the first time in 20 years that Hillary has said 'yes.'” YearsFirstsSaidStatesNew YorkOffersFirst TimeYeahBillsClintonAcceptedBarackSecretaryNew York Times Author:Conan O'Brien
“The three auto companies in the United States, they're all scrambling to come up with a plan, some way to reinvent themselves. Well this week Ford did its part. Ford unveiled a new hybrid, the Ford Fusion, which will get almost 40 miles to the gallon. Isn't that amazing? Yeah, and when asked how much it would cost, a spokesman for Ford said, '$25 billion.' They just want that money; they don't care. That's without mud flaps.” WayWantWellsSaidStatesCareThreeUnitedCompanyUnited StatesPlansWeekCostYeahCome UpDon't CareBillionsMilesMudHybridFusionGallons Author:Conan O'Brien
“Last night's vice presidential debate between Joe Biden and Sarah Palin drew much higher ratings than the presidential debate. Did you know that? Yeah. Yeah, Biden attracted viewers who enjoyed his previous debate appearances, and Palin attracted viewers who enjoyed the movie 'Fargo.'” KnowsLastsNightHigherYeahVicesAppearanceDebateEnjoyedPresidentialViewersLast NightRatingVice PresidentPalinDid You KnowBidenPresidential DebateFargo Author:Conan O'Brien
“Barack Obama, you know has a lot of supporters here in America, but he's very popular internationally. It's quite interesting. This is a true story. It was in the paper. Barack Obama is so popular in the African town where his father was born, they've named a beer after him. That's true. Yeah. So next time you're in Africa, sit back, relax, and enjoy a tall, cold Barackelob Light. Good enough. Clearly not as popular a beer as it used to be.” KnowsEnoughStoriesLightAmericaUsedNextFatherEnjoyBornInterestingColdPaperTownsYeahUsed To BeBarackBeerRelaxGood EnoughTallNext TimeSupporterTrue StoryVery Popular Author:Conan O'Brien
“The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'” LooksMayShowsBeautifulViewsYeahInterviewsLiarsHostAccusedMccainYou Look Beautiful Author:Conan O'Brien
“On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan.” SaidStatesWantedPlansElectionYeahPresidentialDisappointingBallotsElection Day Author:Conan O'Brien
“This Thursday, Barack Obama is gonna give his acceptance speech, and reportedly it's going to include performances by Bon Jovi and Bruce Springsteen. Yeah. And they say Obama's not black enough!” GivingEnoughBlackAcceptanceSpeechPerformancesYeahBarackThursdaySpringsteenAcceptance SpeechBon Jovi Author:Conan O'Brien
“The AMA is urging the Federal Government not to classify marijuana as a dangerous drug and do more research. That's what they said. It's a big story, yeah. Yeah, that request came not only from the AMA but also from KFC.” SaidStoriesBigsGovernmentDangerousDrugResearchYeahMarijuanaThey SaidFederal GovernmentRequestKfcDangerous Drugs Author:Conan O'Brien
“The latest political rumor, North Korea ruler Kim Jong Il is close to naming his successor. Yeah, he said the only person with glasses big enough to replace me is Nicole Richie.” PersonsSaidEnoughBigsPoliticalYeahGlassesRulersKoreaRumorNorth KoreaKimSuccessorsNicole Author:Conan O'Brien
“Al Gore announced he is finishing up a new book about global warming and the environment. Yeah, the first chapter talks about how you shouldn't chop down trees to make a book that no one will read.” FirstsBookEnvironmentTreeYeahGlobal WarmingAlsChaptersGoreFinishingNew BooksFinishing Up Author:Conan O'Brien
“In a new interview, Newt Gingrich says he cheated on two of his wives because he was too consumed with love for his country. Yeah, apparently he misunderstood the phrase, 'Please rise for the Pledge of Allegiance.'” TwoCountryWifePleaseYeahPhrasesInterviewsMisunderstoodConsumedPledgeAllegianceCheatedNewtsPledge Of AllegianceCheated On Author:Conan O'Brien
“Yesterday, the country of Kosovo unveiled an 11-foot tall statue of former President Clinton. Yeah. That's right. The Clinton statue is so life-like, it's already been slapped 12 times.” CountryPresidentFeetYeahClintonYesterdayFormerTallStatuesPresident ClintonKosovo Author:Conan O'Brien
“Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending.” Has BeensTwoBigsTodayPresidentMetsYeahBillsClintonConvincedReleaseFormerJournalistMarchDictatorAsianHappy EndingsNorth KoreaKoreanKimNorth KoreanPresident Bill Clinton Author:Conan O'Brien
“Barack Obama was speaking to a Jewish group, and he told them that his name Barack is the same as the Jewish word 'baruch,' which means one who's blessed. That's what he said, yeah. Obama had a harder time explaining his middle name, Hussein. Things got quiet there.” MeanSaidNamesGroupsMiddleQuietHarderYeahBlessedBarackHusseinExplaining Author:Conan O'Brien
“People looking into Barack Obama's campaign contributions say that Obama may have received $3.3 million from abroad. Yeah. It turns out that broad is Oprah Winfrey.” PeopleMayTurnsMillionsYeahCampaignsBarackContributionBroadsCampaign Contributions Author:Conan O'Brien
“Big night of television tonight for Barack Obama. Earlier tonight, Barack Obama aired a half-hour infomercial to attract more voters. Yeah. Yeah, and apparently, if you watched the entire infomercial, Barack threw in a free set of Ginsu knives for you.” IfsBigsNightHoursHalfTelevisionYeahBarackTonightVotersKnivesHalf HoursInfomercials Author:Conan O'Brien
“There is some good news for John McCain. According to the latest polls, which came out today, John McCain has started to open up a lead over Barack Obama. This is true. Yeah. The USA Today poll has McCain ahead by ten points. The 'CBS News' poll has the two tied. And the MSNBC poll says that Obama won the election last week.” TwoTodayLastsWeekTenNewsElectionYeahBarackUsaTiedGood NewsPollsMccain Author:Conan O'Brien
“People all over the world now are following our election. And according to a new international poll that just came out, I think this came out a few hours ago, this is true, people in Canada want Barack Obama to be the next U.S. president. That's what they're saying. In Canada, yeah. That makes sense, because Obama has the support of Canada's anti-war voters, as well as Canada's black guy. He is very excited.” PeopleThinkingWorldWantWellsWarGuyNextBlackPresidentHoursSupportElectionYeahInternationalFollowingExcitedBarackMake SenseCanadaVotersAnti WarPollsBlack GuysTrue People Author:Conan O'Brien
“A comic book publisher says he's trying to increase voter turnout in the presidential election by publishing comic books about John McCain and Barack Obama. Yeah, the publisher said that the election comic books are targeted at first-time voters and long-time virgins.” TryingFirstsLongSaidBookLong TimeFirst TimeIncreaseElectionYeahComicBarackPresidentialVotersPublishingComic BookVirginsPublishersMccainPresidential ElectionVoter Turnout Author:Conan O'Brien
“It was reported today that Michelle Obama wants her mother to move into the White House with them. Yes. This is expected to be the first time Barack uses his veto power.” WantFirstsUseTodayMovingMotherHouseWhiteFirst TimeYeahExpectedBarackWhite HouseVeto Author:Conan O'Brien
“Time magazine has selected their person of the year. Guess what, it's President-elect Barack Obama. Yeah, ironically, Ebony magazine announced their person of the year, and it's Ed Begley Jr.” YearsPersonsPresidentYeahMagazinesBarackSelectedTime Magazine Author:Conan O'Brien
“In the news, Chinese president Hu Jintao says that now that Barack Obama has been elected, he is looking forward to taking the relationship between China and the U.S. to the next level. That's what he said. Yeah. Then he said, 'Who knows, maybe we'll even go all the way.'” KnowsWayHas BeensSaidNextPresidentLevelsNewsYeahChinaBarackChineseLooking ForwardNext Level Author:Conan O'Brien
