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Mark Epstein

Mark Epstein Books

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“Just as mind rises up and rebels at un unskillful attempt to subdue it in meditation, a relationship will fall apart if the partners are not respectful of each other's differences. Separateness and connection make each other possible; they are not mutually exclusive.”

LoveDesireRelationshipsDifferencesBuddhismConnectionRomantic LoveCouplesSeparateness
Book:Going to Pieces Without Falling Apart: A Buddhist Perspective on Wholeness
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“From a Buddhist perspective, there is really nothing but resistance to be analyzed; there is no true self waiting in the wings to be released. Only by revealing the insecurity can a measure of freedom be gained. When we can know our fear as fear and surround it with the patience of Buddha, we can begin to rest in our own minds and approach those to whom we would like to feel close.”

MindFearFreedomResistanceTherapyInsecurityPsychotherapyBuddhist Perspective
Book:Thoughts Without A Thinker: Psychotherapy from a Buddhist Perspective
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“We do not have to cure every neurosis, we just have to learn how not to be caught by them. This is a difficult process because of how restricted our capacities for attention usually are. We do not suspend our judgments easily, nor do we generally have access to our childhood capacity for curiosity and exploration. Our attentional resources are hijacked early in our lives by our need to manage the intrusive or ignoring familial environments in which we are immersed. As a result, many of us end up in unreal states, stuck in our heads, unaware of our bodies, and unaware of being unaware.”

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Author:Mark Epstein
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“The teaching of the sexual tantras all come down to one point. Although desire, of whatever shape or form, seeks completion, there is another kind of union than the one we imagine. In this union, achieved when the egocentric model of dualistic thinking is no longer dominant, we are not united with it, nor am I united with you, but we all just are. The movement from object to subject, as described in both Eastern meditation and modern psychotherapy, is training for this union, but its perception usually comes as a surprise, even when this shift is well under way. It is a kind of grace. The emphasis on sexual relations in the tantric teachings make it clear that the ecstatic surprise of orgasm is the best approximation of this grace.”

DesireRelationshipsGraceMeditationBuddhismTantraObjectificationDualistic Thinking
Book:Open to Desire: Embracing a Lust for Life - Insights from Buddhism and Psychotherapy
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“Anxiety and desire are two, often conflicting, orientations to the unknown. Both are tilted toward the future. Desire implies a willingness, or a need, to engage this unknown, while anxiety suggests a fear of it. Desire takes one out of oneself, into the possibility or relationship, but it also takes one deeper into oneself. Anxiety turns one back on oneself, but only onto the self that is already known.”

NeedsTwoSelfDesireTurnsKnownPossibilityAnxietyOneselfDeeperWillingnessOrientation
Book:Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught
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“Meditation did not relieve me of my anxiety so much as flesh it out. It took my anxious response to the world, about which I felt a lot of confusion and shame, and let me understand it more completely. Perhaps the best way to phrase it is to say that meditation showed me that the other side of anxiety is desire. They exist in relationship to each other, not independently.”

WorldWayDesireFeltSidesMeditationAnxietyLet MeShameResponseFleshBest WayConfusionPhrasesAnxious
Book:Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught
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“There is a yearning that is as spiritual as it is sensual. Even when it degenerates into addiction, there is something salvageable from the original impulse that can only be described as sacred. Something in the person (dare we call it a soul?) wants to be free, and it seeks its freedom any way it can. ... There is a drive for transcendence that is implicit in even the most sensual of desires.”

WayWantPersonsSoulSpiritualDesireOriginalsSacredAddictionDareSensualImpulseYearningTranscendenceDegeneratesImplicit
Author:Mark Epstein
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“While the primary function of formal Buddhist meditation is to create the possibility of the experience of "being," my work as a therapist has shown me that the demands of intimate life can be just as useful as meditation in moving people toward this capacity. Just as in formal meditation, intimate relationships teach us that the more we relate to each other as objects, the greater our disappointment. The trick, as in meditation, is to use this disappointment to change the way we relate.”

PeopleWayUseMovingTeachGreaterMeditationPossibilityObjectsDemandCapacityFunctionDisappointmentTricksBuddhistPrimariesRelateIntimateFormalTherapistsIntimate RelationshipsBuddhist Meditation
Book:Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught
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“When we seek happiness through accumulation, either outside of ourselves-from other people, relationships, or material goods-or from our own self-development, we are missing the essential point. In either case we are trying to find completion. But according to Buddhism, such a strategy is doomed. Completion comes not from adding another piece to ourselves but from surrendering our ideas of perfection.”

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Author:Mark Epstein
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“If things do not exist as fixed, independent entities, then how can they die? Our notion of death as the sudden expiration of that which was once so real starts to unwind. If things do not exist in their own right and are flickering rather than static, then we can no longer fear their ultimate demise. We may fear their instability, or their emptiness, but the looming threat of death starts to seem absurd. Things are constantly dying, we find. Or rather, they are constantly in flux, arising and passing away with each moment of consciousness.”

IfsMayRealMomentsSeemsDiesConsciousnessDyingUltimateIndependentThreatNotionPassingAbsurdPassingsFixedEmptinessEntityStaticPassing AwayDemiseInstabilityFluxUnwindLooming
Author:Mark Epstein
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“In building a path through the self to the far shore of awareness, we have to carefully pick our way through our own wilderness. If we can put our minds into a place of surrender, we will have an easier time feeling the contours of the land. We do not have to break our way through as much as we have to find our way around the major obstacles. We do not have to cure every neurosis, we just have to learn how not to be caught by them.”

IfsWayMindSelfFeelingsBreakPathLandAwarenessBuildingEasierMajorsPicksCaughtObstaclesSurrenderCuresWildernessShoreNeurosisEasier Times
Author:Mark Epstein
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“One of the age-old truths about love is that while it offers unparalleled opportunities for union and the lifting of ego boundaries, it also washes us up on the shores of the loved one's otherness. Sooner or later, love makes us feel inescapably separate.”

LoveFeelsAgeOpportunityLove IsOffersEgoUnionsBoundariesShoreLoved OnesSooner Or LaterLiftingOtherness
Book:Open to Desire: The Truth About What the Buddha Taught
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