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Norm MacDonald

Norm MacDonald Quotes

Comedian

Norm MacDonald is a Canadian comedian known for his unique humor style and satirical wit. Born on October 17, 1963, he has been active in the television and film industry since the 1980s. MacDonald is recognized for his roles in comedy shows and his performances in movies, which are often characterized by sharp observations and wit that resonate with audiences.

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Famous Norm MacDonald Quotes

“The soul is never perfectly secure from the influence of passion; the occasional tranquility she seems to enjoy, is rather relaxation than imperturbable triumph.”

Soul Seems Passion Enjoy Influence Secure Triumph Tranquility Relaxation Occasional

Author:Norm MacDonald

“If you desire praise or esteem, endeavor to merit it.”

Ifs Desire Praise Esteem Merit Endeavor

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Many frequently change their principles, but seldom their practices.”

Principles Practice

Author:Norm MacDonald

“The promises we break are usually such as we are most forward in making.”

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Never raise expectations in others that you cannot realize: promise is less pleasing than disappointment is vexatious.”

Realizing Promise Expectations Raises Disappointment

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Reason is always weak where prejudice is strong.”

Reason Strong Weak Prejudice

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Some men are tempted to violate secrecy from the uneasiness secrecy gives them, and others, merely to impress you with the extent of their confidence.”

Men Giving Impress Tempted Secrecy Uneasiness

Author:Norm MacDonald

“It is necessary to be tolerant, in order to be tolerated.”

Order Tolerance

Author:Norm MacDonald

“There are two things at which most men are grieved: when their faults are exposed, and when their virtues are concealed.”

Men Two Virtue Faults Two Things Exposed Concealed

Author:Norm MacDonald

“They that are virtuous from principle may receive confidence in every capacity; but they that are so from custom or habit, are capable of trust only in matters of ordinary and settled occurrence.”

May Matter Principles Virtue Habit Capable Ordinary Capacity Customs Virtuous

Author:Norm MacDonald

“The first principle of solid wisdom is discretion, without it all the erudition of life is merely bagatelle.”

Firsts Wisdom Life Is Principles Discretion Erudition

Author:Norm MacDonald

“There is a very prevalent tenet with youth, that good company is every thing desirable, and that bad is even better than none.”

Company Youth Desirable Good Company

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Imprudent restrictions often force youth farther than enticement would carry them; and careless limitation is frequently worse than no injunction.”

Force Youth Limitation Restriction Careless Enticement

Author:Norm MacDonald

“As evacuation eases the body, so occasional ejectment of passion seems to appease the agonies of the soul, and dispose to tranquility the agitations of the heart.”

Heart Soul Body Seems Passion Ease Agony Tranquility Occasional Agitation Appease Evacuation

Author:Norm MacDonald

“A suspicious person is the rival of him that deceives, both seem to practice a knowledge of cunning device, and equable sense of disengenuous merit.”

Persons Seems Practice Merit Devices Deceiving Cunning Rivals Suspicious

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Education makes some men wiser, others more ridiculous and foolish!”

Men Foolish Ridiculous Wiser

Author:Norm MacDonald

“My dad died, and my grandfather died, and my great-grandfather died. And the guy before him, I don't know. Probably died.”

Knows Funny Guy Comedy Dad Died My Dad Grandfather My Grandfather Father Died Great Grandfather Dad Died My Dad Died Grandfather Died

Author:Norm MacDonald

“A lot of writers come from Harvard and such, and are rich, and they write under the misapprehension that poor people are stupid. So when they do write them, they are hillbillies or rednecks or Christian idiots.”

People Writing Christian Poor Rich Stupid Idiot Poor People Harvard Redneck

Author:Norm MacDonald

“There are two indiscretions that generally distinguish fools: a readiness to report whatever they hear, and a practice of communicating with secrecy what is commonly understood.”

Two Practice Fool Understood Communicate Reports Secrecy Readiness

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Many people are skeptical about marriage of Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie Pressley. They say, Lisa Marie is more of a sit at home type, while Michael Jackson is more of a homosexual pedophile.”

People Home Type Homosexual Skeptical Marie

Author:Norm MacDonald

“I went to a hypnotist. He put me under a spell, and every time I had a craving for a cigarette, I would throw up. It's very embarrassing right after sex. I find it pretty hard to get that second date after that. Girls get all snobby after you barf on them.”

Hard Girl Sex Spells Cigarette Embarrassing Craving That Girl Snobby

Author:Norm MacDonald

“You know, with Hitler, the more I learn about that guy, the more I don't care for him.”

Knows Care Guy Don't Care I Don't Care That Guy

Author:Norm MacDonald

“I don't do much. I'm too lazy. That's my problem. Hang around my couch, watching the TV. Just too lazy. I realized this the other day, I get hit my a truck tomorrow - a big truck could hit me - paralyze me from the neck down. Wouldn't effect my lifestyle a bit really.”

Problem Bigs Bits Effects Tvs Tomorrow I Realized Lifestyle Necks Lazy Truck Couches

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Back in the old days, a man could just get sick and die. Now they have to wage a battle. So my Uncle Bert is waging a courageous battle, which I've seen, because I go and visit him. And this is the battle: he's lying in the hospital bed, with a thing in his arm, watching Matlock on the TV.”

Men Lying Dies Tvs Arms Battle Bed Sick Courageous Hospitals Uncles Old Days

Author:Norm MacDonald

“I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.”

Care Winning Sex Sports Exercise Don't Care I Don't Care Dull Embarrassing You Can Win

Author:Norm MacDonald

“After months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage, today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really, really, really gay.”

Inspiration Today Stars Months Gay Inspired Diets Speculation Guru Sitcom Really Gay

Author:Norm MacDonald

“You ever hear guys with small cocks talk about sex? Can't talk about it enough. They even got poems. They'll say, 'It's not the motion of the ocean, it's the boat of the lotion.' I've even heard variants..., it's not the tree or the size, it's the axe that you wax.' It's a whole sub-genre of poetry now that's taught in many of our finer institutions.”

Enough Whole Guy Sex Heard Tree Taught Ocean Institutions Size Boat Genre Lotion

Author:Norm MacDonald

“I just got back from New York. You ever been there? There was a big gay parade going on there when I was there, and I never been to one of them, and I like a parade. I always like a parade. So, I go there, and it turns out, it's just a bunch of gay guys.”

Bigs Guy Turns New York Gay Bunch Parades Gay Guy

Author:Norm MacDonald

“All kinds of violence on the TV. You're not supposed to watch violence on the TV. Children, they can't watch it 'cause they're afraid maybe the kids will copy something they see on the TV. I can't even get a funny cartoon anymore because some 12-year-old somewhere watched a particularly violent episode of the Road Runner-Coyote show, and the next day, they found him at the bottom of a canyon, two giant springs strapped to his feet.”

Years Kind Children I Can Two Shows Kids Next Found Causes Watches Violence Feet Tvs Spring Bottom Violent All Kinds Giants Copies Episodes Runners Cartoon Next Day Canyons Coyotes Road Runner

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Note to self... Sex with blow-up doll is not as good as advertised.”

Self Sex Notes Blow Dolls Note To Self Dirty Work

Author:Norm MacDonald

“It's tough to know who's better in cliff diving. Like, you see a guy diving off a cliff and you go, Oh, man, a guy diving off a cliff! And then another guy'd dive- Oh, there's another guy diving off a cliff there. But you can't tell who's better, y'know? Like, uh- if you survive at all, hey, you're a great- you're a great cliff diver there. There's only two classifications in cliffdiving. There's, uh- 'Grand Champion' and then, uh- 'Stuff On a Rock.' Very hard to make a comeback in that sport, I'll tell you that.”

Ifs Knows Men Two Hard Guy Stuff Sports Rocks Like You Tough Hey Champion Cliffs Comeback Other Guys Diving Classification Hey You

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Actually, with those dirty movies, I find like, they're good for about fifteen, twenty minutes. I'm really interested. And, then, uh, there's one point, that all of a sudden I'm bored. You know? I just lose interest completely and I feel deeply ashamed.”

Knows Feels Interest Loses Minutes Twenties Bored Dirty Ashamed Fifteen Dirty Movie

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Pulp Fiction is a, uh, gritty, urban satire. Pump Friction is a uh-uh, a bunch of uh, dudes and ladies having dirty sex.”

Sex Fiction Bunch Dirty Satire Urban Pumps Friction Pulp

Author:Norm MacDonald

“The Rolling Stones reunited for a twenty-fifth anniversary tour last week. Keith Richards said that he's happy to continue to do what he's been doing for the past twenty-five years: cheating death.”

Years Said Lasts Past Death Five Week Stones Twenties Five Years Cheating Rolling Fifth Twenty Five Rolling Stones Keith Reunited Fifth Anniversary

Author:Norm MacDonald

“You ever be having a really good dream, and then, uh- right in the middle of the dream you wake up, right in the best part of the dream? And there you are, back in your stinkin' life again? Man, that's rough, eh?”

Men Dream Middle Wake Up Rough Good Dream

Author:Norm MacDonald

“I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, what are you, zero? And I'd go, no, I'm one over here!”

People Ifs Knows Age Young Conditions Come Up Zero Know Me

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what's the guy even thinking there. Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It's nothing!”

Thinking Lasts Guy Worst Tickets Merry Lottery Merry Christmas Lottery Ticket

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Scientists believe they may have discovered a primitive form of life on Jupiter's moon Europa. That primitive form of life? You guessed it, Frank Stallone.”

Believe May Form Moon Scientist Frank Primitive Jupiter

Author:Norm MacDonald

“They're like ''You're an alcoholic.'' I go ''No, I'm not.'' and then-apparently that's what alcoholics say too, you know?”

Knows Like You Alcoholics

Author:Norm MacDonald

“I want you to buy this pit bull. This will protect your valuables.' I don't own anything very valuable. If I buy the pit bull, that would be the most valuable thing I own. I'd have to buy something to protect it then.”

Ifs Want Would Be Protect Valuable I Want You Bulls Pits Valuable Things Pit Bull

Author:Norm MacDonald

“You ever see 'The Dating Game'? That's a weird game show. The prize on that show: another contestant. Talk about cheap.”

Shows Games Dating Prize Contestants Game Shows

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Ever see this? It's a homeless guy but he's got a dog... The dog's really thrilled with this idea. The dog's going, Hey pal, I can do this by myself pretty well. The longest walk in the world you got me on here.”

World Wells I Can Ideas Guy Can Do Walks Dog Hey Homeless Pals I Can Do This You Got Me

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Man, them engagement rings, boy, they cost a lot. I was looking at 'em. Cost like a thousand bucks, two thousand bucks, y'know. Three thousand bucks. Something like that- four thousand bucks. Big number divisible by a thousand, anyways.”

Knows Men Two Bigs Three Numbers Boys Four Cost Thousand Rings Ems Engagement Bucks

Author:Norm MacDonald

“This is a thing I read by a scientist... it said scientists now say that a man thinks about sex once every 7.3 seconds. Now, I know what I think every 7.3 seconds. It's just a bunch of meaningless gibberish.”

Thinking Knows Men Said Sex Scientist Bunch Seconds Meaningless

Author:Norm MacDonald

“There's no such thing, of course, as an old-fashioned gay guy. They're the most decadent people.”

People Guy Courses Gay Old Fashioned Gay Guy

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Hypocrisy is the outward acknowledgment of inward shame.”

Shame Hypocrisy Inward Acknowledgment

Author:Norm MacDonald

“Women of no beauty may yet be flattered to believe they possess some; others of a moderate share that they have a great deal; but those of elegance and charm generally know the perfection of their external graces so well, that they seem to covet that flattery most which heightens the opinion of their wit and judgment.”

Knows Believe Wells May Seems Deals Opinion Grace Share Judgment Perfection Wit Charm Flattery Elegance Moderates Flattered

Author:Norm MacDonald

“[Televised stand-up] never really makes me laugh. The only one I ever saw that I liked was Richard Pryor, and that was [shot on] film.”

Film Laughing Saws Shots Make Me Laugh

Author:Norm MacDonald

“You're used to a TV show, and TV is just made for TV shows. It's not made for live events.So anyways, I was resistant to it, but I did it anyway.”

Made Shows Used Events Tvs Tv Shows

Author:Norm MacDonald

“The only two TV shows I saw do that, where they don't warm them up and you can really bomb, was Saturday Night Live - and that's why it gets a lot of heat, too. Obviously it gets criticism fairly, too. But a lot of it is because Lorne [Michaels] lets the audience decide and doesn't force them to laugh.”

Two Shows Night Force Audience Laughing Saws Tvs Criticism Warm Heat Bombs Tv Shows Saturday Saturday Night Saturday Night Live

Author:Norm MacDonald

About the Author

Born: October 17, 1963
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 192

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People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

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Based on a True Story: A MemoirRelated source material

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