“They're not the sharpest people - babies. So, you must be everything to them.” PeopleComedyBaby Author:Paul Reiser
“In some cultures they don't name their babies right away. They wait until they see how the child develops. Like in Dances with Wolves. Unfortunately, our kids' names would be less romantic and poetic. "This is my oldest boy, Falls off His Tricycle, his friend, Dribbles His Juice, and my beautiful daughter, Allergic to Nuts.” ChildrenWould BeKidsBeautifulFallCultureNamesWaitingBoysBabyDaughterPoeticNutsJuiceAllergicDribbleBeautiful DaughterTricycles Author:Paul Reiser
“Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right. "This is Sleeping, right?" "Exactly." "I just lie here?" "That's right." "Okay." Then back to sleep they go.” IfsWantMeanChildrenRealSometimesReasonHumorFunnyLyingSleepCryBabyOkayWake UpChecks Author:Paul Reiser
“The first time I tried to put a new diaper on my baby, I yanked the little Velcro strap too jerkily and actually punched the little guy in the jaw. A real solid shot, too. I knew instinctively that this could not be correct. Unless you're specifically trying to raise a welterweight, continual deliverance of powerful uppercuts is not advised when handling newborns.” TryingFirstsLittlesRealGuyPowerfulBabyShotsFirst TimeRaisesDeliveranceMy BabyDiapersVelcro Author:Paul Reiser
“There was a period where our child's birth was getting really close, and we still had nothing. We were dangerously close to calling him Untitled Baby Project.” ChildrenStillsBabyBirthPeriodsCallingProjectsOur Children Author:Paul Reiser
“The simple combination of letters and sounds you select as a name for your baby can result in a life of carefree coolness or decades of expensive therapy. Hi, I'm Jake versus Hi, I'm... Tapioca” NamesSoundSimpleResultsBabyLettersDecadesCombinationTherapyExpensiveVersusSelectCarefreeJakeCoolness Author:Paul Reiser
“Peanut butter and lamb chops were not foods that had ever been a significant part of our life before pregnancy. In fact, my wife almost never ate either.So where did these craving come from? I concluded it's the baby, ordering in.” FactsOur LivesWifeBabyMy WifeSignificantPregnancyCravingLambsPeanutsPeanut Butter Author:Paul Reiser
“I used to walk into a party and scan the room for attractive women. Now I look for women to hold my baby so I can eat potato salad sitting down.” LooksI CanUsedWalksRoomsPartyBabySittingAttractivePotatoesSaladSitting DownMy BabyAttractive WomanPotato Salad Author:Paul Reiser
“When people talk about wanting to have children someday, what they really mean is that they want babies. Nobody wants an angry adolescent. Nobody wants an obnoxious seven-year-old trying to wear out dirty words they just learned in school that day. What they really want is cute, adorable babies who love you and need you. The bad stuff is just the price you agree to pay for having the good stuff.” PeopleWantNeedsTryingYearsMeanChildrenSchoolStuffPayLove YouBabyAgreeAngrySevenDirtyCuteSomedaySeven YearsNeed YouReally MeanAdorableObnoxiousDirty WordsBad Stuff Author:Paul Reiser
“Having a baby dragged me, kicking and screaming, from the world of self-absorption.” WorldSelfBabyKickingAbsorptionHaving A BabyBaby GirlSelf AbsorptionBaby Boy Author:Paul Reiser
“People often ask me, "What's the difference between couplehood and babyhood?" In a word? Moisture. Everything in my life is now more moist. Between your spittle, your diapers, your spit-up and drool, you got your baby food, your wipes, your formula, your leaky bottles, sweaty baby backs, and numerous other untraceable sources-all creating an ever-present moistness in my life, which heretofore was mainly dry.” PeopleChildrenLife IsAsksDifferencesSourceBabyCreatingHumorousParentingAsk MeDryBottlesFormulasWipeSpitDiapersMoistureBabyhoodSpit Up Author:Paul Reiser
“The jewel in the baby product crown is the stroller. And if in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.” IfsChildrenHumorKidsFunnyAmericaProductsBabyHumorousCrownsJewelsStrollers Author:Paul Reiser
“So where did these cravings come from? I concluded it's the baby ordering in. Prenatal takeout. Even without ever being in a restaurant, fetuses develop remarkably discerning palates, and they are not shy about demanding what they want. If they get a hankering, they just pick up the umbilical cord and call. 'You know what would taste good right now? A cheeseburger, large fries, and a vanilla shake. And if you could, hurry it up, because I'm supposed to grow a lung in a half hour.'” IfsKnowsWantCultureGrowsHoursHalfBabyTasteRight NowPicksRestaurantsShakesShyLungsCravingCordsHalf HoursFriesDiscerningPalateVanillaFetusCheeseburgerUmbilical CordHankering Author:Paul Reiser
“But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, go and be with that baby. Just play with this beautiful little boy” ThinkingWantLittlesPlayPastBeautifulRealizingBoysComedyBabyRight NowLetting GoPlentyLittle Boys Author:Paul Reiser
“But at the same time that the experience is pulling you apart, it's also bonding you. You have this joint venture! You both made this baby. And that's the thing I still can't get over” MadeStillsComedyBabyPullingVentureGet OverJointsBondingJoint Ventures Author:Paul Reiser
“I remember my wife and I used to get on plane and see everybody else with their babies. They'd be putting strollers and car seats up above, and we'd think: Oh, please Lord, don't make us go through that” ThinkingRememberUsedLordComedyWifeCarBabyPleaseMy WifePlanesSeatsStrollers Author:Paul Reiser
