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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal. Some of their most esteemed inventions have no other apparent purpose - for example, the dinner party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics.”

Humans Two Humor Seems Funny Purpose Human Beings Animal Party Greater Example Capacity Dinner Invention Boredom Bores Epic Metaphysics Dinner Party Epic Poems

Book:Minority Report

Source: Minority Report

“Stupid National Anthem... Look at this flag; Two bears fighting over a pineapple. What kind of message does that send to the world? "Come to Belarus, where wild animals will steal your fruit."”

World Looks Kind Doe Two Humor Funny Fighting Animal Stupid Bears Citizens Messages Fruit Stealing Flags Anthem Imitating Wild Animal National Anthem Pineapples Belarus

Author:Bill Bailey

“I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?”

Knows Humor Funny Animal Planets Baby Female Males Did You Know

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”

“If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.”

Ifs Humor Running Funny Sleep Animal Sheep Can't Sleep

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Snake eyes is a gambling term, and an animal term, too.”

Humor Eye Funny Term Animal Gambling Snakes

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I went to a heavy metal concert. The singer yelled out, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" And then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" The thing is, everyone cheered after the animals part, but I cheered after the human beings part because I did not know there was a second part to the question.”

People Knows Feels Humans Said Humor Funny Human Beings Animal Heavy Singers Tonight Concerts Metals Heavy Metal

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.”

People Thinking Humor Funny Animal Taste Crackers Animal Crackers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My father would pass gas and then blame it on imaginary animals.”

Humor Funny Father Animal Blame Gas Imaginary

Author:Bill Cosby

“If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.”

Ifs Want Humor Funny Animal Creatures Horse Wings Add Lions Hawks Mythical Creatures Pegasus

Author:Demetri Martin

“When they were naming the animals, somebody got lazy: anteater? What's it doing? It's eating ants. DONE!”

Done Humor Funny Animal Eating Lazy Ants

Author:Demetri Martin

“You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”

People Knows World Humor Funny Animal Bees Hepatitis

Author:Milton Jones

“The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.”

Humor Funny Courses Stuff Animal Week Tvs Fine Couple Wine Hearing Comic Relief Awards Warfare Olympics Monkeys Documentaries Scottish Lodges Comic Relief Dundee

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.”

Humor Funny Fun Animal Pet Ems Animal Love

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I look to nature because I think the animals are smarter than we are. Animals mate; humans date. There's no dating in the animal kingdom. No dinner, no movie - just a quick sniff, 'Alright, let's go.'”

Thinking Humans Looks Humor Funny Animal Dating Dinner Kingdoms Mates Smarter Alright Animal Kingdom

Author:Adam Ferrara

“Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight.”

People Ifs World Dream Humor Funny Animal Laughing Tables Delight Refuse Enormous Your Dreams Restaurants Going Away Cartoon Resorts Compounds Whimsical

Book:Dave Barry Talks Back

Source: Dave Barry Talks Back