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Humorous Quotes

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Humorous Quotes

“" ... It is not my desire to wound the feelings of any person with whom I am connected in family bonds. I may be a hypocrite," said Mr. Pecksniff, cuttingly, "but I am not a brute."”

May Persons Said Feelings Funny Desire Humorous Connected Wounds Hypocrite Brutes Family Bond

Book:The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit

Source: The Life and Adventures of Martin Chuzzlewit

“The Secretary, working in the Dismal Swamp betimes next morning, was informed that a youth waited in the hall who gave the name of Sloppy. The footman who communicated this intelligence made a decent pause before uttering the name, to express that it was forced on his reluctance by the youth in question, and that if the youth had had the good sense and good taste to inherit some other name it would have spared the feelings of him the bearer.”

Ifs Made Feelings Funny Next Names Morning Youth Taste Humorous Decent Halls Secretary Pauses Good Sense Good Taste Swamps Sloppy Reluctance

Book:Our Mutual Friend

Source: Our Mutual Friend

“It's been part of my signature to incorporate my humor with my dance, or even just how I'm feeling. If I'm feeling humorous, which I am, most of the day, I tend to incorporate that. If I'm dancing freestyle, if I feel like I've gotten too serious, while I'm moving, I'll think, "All right, it's time to lighten up a little bit," and I do. It just feels good.”

Ifs Thinking Feels Littles Feelings Moving Bits Serious Little Bit Humorous Dancing Feel Good Signatures Freestyle

Author:Stephen Boss

“Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?”

“Confidence is ignorance. If you're feeling cocky, it's because there's something you don't know.”

Ifs Knows Feelings Knowledge Ignorance Confidence Humorous Cocky Artemis Fowl Artemis Fowl

Book:Artemis Fowl

Source: Artemis Fowl

“John you say you met in an elevator. Was the elevator going up at the time, or down? This is very important, for going down in an elevator one always has that sinking feeling and for all I know you may have this confused with love. If you were going up, it is clearly a case of love at first sight.”

Ifs Knows Firsts May Important Feelings Funny Cases Mets Humorous Sight Witty Confused Love At First Sight Sinking Elevators Sinking Feeling

Author:Groucho Marx

“Swearing relieves the feelings - that is what swearing does. I explained this to my aunt on one occasion, but it didn't answer with her. She said I had no business to have such feelings.”

Doe Said Feelings Funny Answers Humorous Occasions Aunt Swearing Profanity

Book:The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow

Source: The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow

“Exactly. She does not shine as a wife even in her own account of what occurred. I am not a whole-souled admirer of womankind, as you are aware, Watson, but my experience of life has taught me that there are few wives having any regard for their husbands who would let any man's spoken word stand between them and that husband's dead body. Should I ever marry, Watson, I should hope to inspire my wife with some feeling which would prevent her from being walked off by a housekeeper when my corpse was lying within a few yards of her.”

Source: The Complete Sherlock Holmes: All 56 Stories & 4 Novels

“I don't answer the phone. I get the feeling whenever I do that there will be someone on the other end.”

Ends Feelings Answers Humorous Phones Telephones Answering Machines Curmudgeon

Author:Fred Couples