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Left Quotes

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Left Quotes

“I have only one ambition left: I should like to have a good epitaph.”

Should Funny Left Ambition Sarcasm Sarcastic Epitaph

Author:Otto von Bismarck

“I'm so glad Courtney Love is here; I left my crack in my other purse.”

Humor Funny Left Love Is Glad Cracks Purses Courtney

Author:Sarah Silverman

“Never trust a man who combs his hair straight from his left armpit.”

Men Funny Left Hair Never Trust Combs Armpits Never Trust A Man

Book:Mrs. L.: conversations with Alice Roosevelt Longworth

Source: Mrs. L.: conversations with Alice Roosevelt Longworth

“By the way, did you ever realize that if Moses would have turned right instead of left, we'd have had the oil, the Arabs would have had the sand?”

Ifs Way Funny Left Realizing Politician Humorous Oil Ministers Sand Moses

Author:Golda Meir

“Dombey and Son had often dealt in hides, but never in hearts. They left that fancy ware to boys and girls, and boarding-schools and books. Mr. Dombey would have reasoned: That a matrimonial alliance with himself must, in the nature of things, be gratifying and honourable to any woman of common sense. That the hope of giving birth to a new partner in such a house, could not fail to awaken a glorious and stirring ambition in the breast of the least ambitious of her sex.”

“When it comes to sex there are certain things that should always be left unknown, and with my luck, they probably will be.”

Should Humor Funny Certain Left Sex Luck

Author:Woody Allen

“Life is like the stock market. Some days you're up. Some days you're down. And some days you feel like something the bull left behind.”

Feels Funny Life Is Left Behinds Down And Left Behind Funny Inspirational Bulls Life Is Like Like Something Funny Inspirational Life

Author:Paula Wall

“North Dakota State. What do you have to do there to graduate? Milk a cow with your left hand?”

Inspirational States Hands Funny Left Milk Graduates Cows Graduation Left Hand Dakota North Dakota

Author:Bobby Heenan

“I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes. He has three apples left, I guess I can't have one. I wouldn't want to screw up his practice routine.”

Ifs Want I Can Humor Funny Three House Left Practice Apples Routine Screws Screw Ups Jugglers

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“When you're doing a show on stage, and they show you a red light, that means you have 5 minutes left. At some clubs, they hold a candle up in the back. That's the worst method. You're up here, and then you see a floating candle. "Oh, no! This place is haunted!" I can't be funny when I'm frightened.”

Mean I Can Shows Humor Light Funny Left Minutes Worst Stage Red Method Clubs Frightened Candle Floating Red Lights

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“My sister Wendy has a husband and two children, and they have a family photo on top of the VCR, where they're all looking slightly to the left. As though something is going on over there! I guess something happened over to the left that made everybody happy! Except my sister is cross-eyed, so she can't quite pull it off. One eye is right-on.”

Children Made Two Humor Eye Funny Left Happened Husband Crosses My Sister Wendy Vcr Family Photo

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“It's off the leg and into the left field of Doug Rader.”

Humor Funny Left Fields Baseball Legs Left Field

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The ex-left-hander Dave Roberts will be going for Houston.”

Humor Funny Left Baseball Exes Dave Houston Left Handers

Author:Jerry Coleman

“On the mound is Randy Jones, the left-hander with the Karl Marx hairdo.”

Humor Funny Left Baseball Randy Hairdos Left Handers

Author:Jerry Coleman

“If Rose's streak was still intact, with that single to left, the fans would be throwing babies out of the upper deck.”

Ifs Stills Humor Would Be Funny Left Fans Baby Baseball Rose Throwing Deck Streaks

Author:Jerry Coleman

“The first pitch to Tucker Ashford is grounded into left field. No, wait a minute. It's ball one. Low and outside.”

Firsts Humor Funny Left Waiting Minutes Fields Lows Baseball Balls Grounded Left Field

Author:Jerry Coleman

“British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps.”

Ifs World Humor Funny Left British Diplomatic

Book:The wit of Peter Ustinov

Source: The wit of Peter Ustinov

“When I left home, my mum said "Don't forget to write", I thought, "That's unlikely"... It's a basic skill isn't it.”

Writing Said Home Humor Funny Left Forget Skills Mum Unlikely

Author:Tim Vine

“I've never not finished a masturbatory session or a pizza. Those are the two things I've never left behind.”

Two Humor Funny Left Behinds Finished Two Things Left Behind Session Pizza

Author:Adam Carolla

“This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.”

“I felt as out of place as a left-handed violinist in a crowded string section.”

Humor Funny Left Felt Strings Sections Crowded Violinist Left Handed

Author:Chic Murray

“And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.”

Giving Firsts War Reason Humor Funny Remember Fighting Next Left Clubs Ads Next Time Just Do It

Author:Dennis Miller