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Water Quotes

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Water Quotes

“Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.”

People Funny Found Water Comedy Land Travel

Author:David Letterman

“Some medical beast had revived tar-water in those days as a fine medicine, and Mrs. Joe always kept a supply of it in the cupboard; having a belief in its virtues correspondent to its nastiness. At the best of times, so much of this elixir was administered to me as a choice restorative, that I was conscious of going about, smelling like a new fence.”

Funny Choices Belief Water Virtue Fine Expectations Conscious Humorous Medicine Medical Beast Fence Great Expectations Cupboards Elixir Nastiness Great Expectations Important

Book:Great Expectations

Source: Great Expectations

“Both Miss Lavinia and Miss Clarissa had a superstition, however, that he would have declared his passion, if he had not been cut short in his youth (at about sixty) by over-drinking his constitution, and over-doing an attempt to set it right again by swilling Bath water.”

Ifs Funny Passion Water Cutting Missing Youth Humorous Constitution Drinking Superstitions Sixty Baths Lavinia

Book:Charles Dickens Six Pack: Six Dickens Classics

Source: Charles Dickens Six Pack: Six Dickens Classics

“I know she's just trying to make things nice, so I do my part. Now, when I get up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I turn on the light. I used to just go by sonar: just keep peeing 'til you hear water.”

Knows Trying Use Humor Light Funny Used Night Turns Water Nice Middle Dating Get Up Bathroom Turn-on Middle Of The Night Funny Dating

Author:Adam Ferrara

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

“I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.”

Wanted Funny Water Humorous Witty Silly Drank Boiling Boiling Water Boiling Point

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. Because that's the maximum amount of time you can picture yourself having fun in an above-ground pool. If it was 31 seconds, the actor would say "The water is only up to here? What do I do now? Throw the ball back to Jimmy? Or put some goggles on and look at his feet?"”

Ifs Looks Long Humor Funny Actors Fun Water Saws Feet Amount Balls Having Fun Seconds Pool Maximum Jimmy Goggles

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“There was a product on late night TV that you could attach to your garden hose - "You can water your hard-to-reach plants with this." Who would make their plants hard to reach? That seems so very mean. I know you need water, but I'm going to make you hard to reach. "Think like a cactus!"”

Thinking Knows Needs Mean Hard Humor Seems Funny Night Water Tvs Products Late Garden Plant Late Night Very Mean Cactus

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“Streets full of water. Please Advise.”

Humor Funny Water Streets Please Advise

Author:Robert Benchley

“Daddy pays for the water, daddy pays for the gas, daddy pays for the electricity, and if daddy didn't pay for the electricity, he'd pay for the candle on your nightstand, so you can study for the big test tomorrow.”

Ifs Humor Bigs Funny Water Pay Study Tomorrow Tests Gas Candle Electricity Daddy

Author:Chris Rock

“If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.”

Ifs Should Ends Humor Funny Water Week Drink Garden Scientist Ass Bottles

Author:Lewis Black

“I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.”

Thinking Should Littles Helping Humor Funny Moving Water Walks Saws Charity Miles Appeals Guardian Fetch

Author:Jimmy Carr

“I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."”

Knows Trying Firsts Humor Funny Water Yeah Selling Kicks Haha Bottled Water

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.”

Knows Ideas Facts Humor Funny Sides Water Rough Bottles Printed Chemist

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"”

Want Kind Hard Humor Funny Water Drink Shots Yeah Glasses Eight Ems I Am Single

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I told my doctor I got water on my knee, he gave me a sponge and raised his fee!”

Humor Funny Water Doctors Raised Knees Fees Sponges

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.”

People Feels Trying Humor Funny Water Wife Lays Sorry My Wife Fats Beach

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“Jesus is magic, because he turned water into wine. I think he made the statue of liberty disappear in the 80s or something.”

Thinking Made Humor Funny Jesus Water Liberty Magic Wine Disappear 80s Statues Statue Of Liberty

Author:Sarah Silverman

“How did we get to the point where we're paying for bottled water? That must have been some weird marketing meeting over in France. Some French guy's sitting there, like, "How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water."”

Thinking Has Beens Funny Guy Water Comedy Sitting Sells Meetings Marketing Dumb France Idiot Bottled Water

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“Loki in 'Thor' is the most incredible springboard into a sort of excavation of the darker aspects of human nature. So that was thrilling, coming back knowing that I'd built the boat and now I could set sail into choppier waters.”

Inspirational Humans Funny Water Knowing Human Nature Built Aspect Incredibles Boat Sail Sailing Coming Back Thrilling Springboards

Author:Tom Hiddleston

“After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?”

Needs Humor Funny Waiting Water Hours Eating Amphibians

Author:Steven Wright

“The history of the relationship between comedy and swimming is short indeed. Of course it is always funny when someone falls into water, but that's about it.”

Funny Fall Courses Water Comedy Swimming

Author:Arthur Smith

“I like to fill my tub up with water, then turn the shower on and act like I'm in a submarine that's been hit .”

Humor Funny Turns Water Showers Tubs Submarines

Author:Steven Wright

“They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.”

Humor Funny Water Edges Drowning

Author:Steven Wright