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Celia Rivenbark

Celia Rivenbark Biography

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“Scientists say that...gender bending may keep fish from reproducing because, with so many in sexual limbo, there's just no real push to procreate. Oh, if only deer, squirrels, and Kardashians would acquire this particular affliction. I'm just kidding. I don't really have anything against deer. Or squirrels.”

Kardashian
Book:You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool
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“I braced myself for something wise and useful. Dink, like most Bubbas, could be quite insightful and kind when you least expected it. “Always remember one thing in this life,” he said, pausing to stare at the koala’s big brown glass eyes. I knew he woulda shot it if we were really in the wild. “What is it, Dink? What should I remember? I could really use some perspective here.” “Always remember . . . you can’t drink all day if you don’t start in the mornin’.”

HumorSouthern Life
Book:You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning
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“While it may seem a bit antithetical to use quite so many "naughty words" in an etiquette book, I can assure you that I would never use curse words for shock value alone or to prop up a needy joke. We live in a world in which one Real Housewife of New Jersey seriously admonished another to "show some fuckin' class!" Enough said.”

Obscenities
Book:Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas
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“I don't define success by how much money someone makes. I don't define success by how many trophies or plaques or awards someone has. I don't define it by membership in exclusive clubs or the ability to name-drop about someone's famous friends. I don't define it by how many luxury cars or opulent homes someone might own or how many sumptuous vacations they might taken in exotic locales all over the globe. I don't define success...oh, hell, I'm just kidding. Actually, all that stuff is fantastic!”

Success
Book:You Don't Sweat Much for a Fat Girl: Observations on Life from the Shallow End of the Pool
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“[Home Economics Textbook from 1950]: "Prepare yourself. Take fifteen minutes to rest so you'll look refreshed when hubby comes home from work. Touch up makeup and put a ribbon in your hair. He's just been with work-weary people. Be a little gay. His boring day needs a lift." Mama Celia: "Get knee-walking drunk. You've earned it. You've been with four kids under the age of seven all day. Put a ribbon in your nose and try to pull it out of your mouth. You're wasted, after all. Announce you're gay. The look on his face will give you a lift.”

HumorMarriage50 S
Book:Bless Your Heart, Tramp: And Other Southern Endearments
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“Jehovah's Witness are welcomed into my home...You gotta respect anybody who gets all dressed up in Sunday clothes and goes door-to-door on days so hot their high heels sink a half-inch into the pavement.The trick is to do all the talking yourself. Pretty soon, they'll look at their watches and say, 'Speaking of end times, wouldja look at what time it is now!”

LooksEndsHomeHalfTalkingWatchesDoorsClothesHotTricksWitnessSundayInchesHeelsEnd TimesHigh HeelsDressed UpJehovahPavement
Author:Celia Rivenbark
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“Proper driving etiquette demands that you basically get close enough to a car in front of you at a busy intersection that it would mean that in certain third-world countries, or South Carolina, you would have to get married.”

WorldMeanCountryEnoughCertainCarFrontsDemandMarriedThirdsSouthBusyDrivingEtiquetteThird WorldCarolinaIntersectionsSouth CarolinaThird World Countries
Book:Rude Bitches Make Me Tired: Slightly Profane and Entirely Logical Answers to Modern Etiquette Dilemmas
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“I'm fairly certain that, at this very minute, the [Mars Polar Lander] is floating somewhere around the Neptune feeling tired and cranky and looking for a Holiday Inn.Of course, you'd have to have a heart of titanium not to feel a twinge of sadness while watching those dejected NASA scientiest waiting by the phone like the class wallflower on prom week.On the other hand, it was kind of fun to watch a bunch of men waiting by the phone and seeing how they feel when someone promises they'll call and then YOU NEVER HEAR FROM HIM AGAIN.”

MenFeelsHeartKindFeelingsHandsCertainCoursesFunWaitingClassWatchesSeeingWeekSadnessMinutesPromiseTiredPhonesBunchHolidayMarsFloatingNasaPromInnsCrankyNeptuneDejected
Author:Celia Rivenbark
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“Never marry something until you've established the perfect pizza ratio...The premise is simple. My husband and I knew we were made for each other because we're a 6:2 ratio, six slices for him and two for me...Never marry a man who wants two slices one week and four the next. They're undependable and highly unpredictable and will likely dump you for some Internet honey who says she doesn't mind his back hair.”

MenWantMindMadeTwoNextSimplePerfectFourWeekHairInternetHusbandSixMy HusbandHoneyUnpredictablePremisesPizzaDumpRatiosMade For Each Other
Author:Celia Rivenbark
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“Pecans are not cheap, my hons. In fact, in the South, the street value of shelled pecans just before holiday baking season is roughly that of crack cocaine. Do not confuse the two. It is almost impossible to make a decent crack cocaine tassie, I am told.”

TwoFactsValuesImpossibleStreetsSeasonsSouthDecentHolidayCracksBakingCocainePecans
Book:You Can't Drink All Day If You Don't Start in the Morning
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“To the newcomer to the south, hearing that a coworker plans a weekend visit to 'mama and them's' (the correct plural possessive, don'tchaknow), might make him think that mama has been left alone either throught an act of scoundreldom involving the town's resident hoochie-mama (an altogether different kind of mama) or Daddy's untimely demise.”

ThinkingKindHas BeensDifferentMightLeftPlansTownsSouthHearingWeekendDifferent KindsDaddyMamaInvolvingLeft AloneResidentsDemisePossessiveCoworkerNewcomers
Author:Celia Rivenbark
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