“Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's running for governor. He's got a great slogan - 'Vote for me, or I'll make 'Kindergarten Cop II” RunningVoteCopGovernorsSlogansKindergartenSchwarzeneggerVote For Me Author:Craig Kilborn
“Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, 'The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.'” KnowsI CanSleepPlayerHockeyNhlAnnaHockey Player Author:Craig Kilborn
“Maria Shriver is credited with helping Arnold win by standing by him despite allegations of groping. She had to stand by him cause Arnold had a vice grip on her left ass cheek.” HelpingWinningLeftCausesStandingVicesAssDespiteCheeksAllegations Author:Craig Kilborn
“Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he's clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race.” GovernmentUniverseRaceCriticsExesQualifiedAdviserMr Universe Author:Craig Kilborn
“The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on.” YearsPastThreeMovedThree YearsMoved On Author:Craig Kilborn
“I pride myself on being down-to-earth. I’m from the Midwest. People who go into show business are screwed up. I romanticized about having a serene life.” PeopleShowsShow BusinessScrewed Up Author:Craig Kilborn
“I always tell people I romanticize about doing something simple, like doing radio in northern California.” PeopleSimpleRadioCaliforniaNorthern California Author:Craig Kilborn
“My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'” PeopleSaidBrotherMy BrotherIrritatingMisanthrope Author:Craig Kilborn
“I think that you're always going to have some people who are negative or view you in a certain way.” PeopleThinkingWayCertainViewsNegative Author:Craig Kilborn
“President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers.” JobsLastsPresidentMonthsYeahWorkersCampaignsPresident BushNew Job Author:Craig Kilborn
“Boeing is working on an invisible fighter jet so nobody can see who's flying it. Didn't George Bush fly this in the National Guard, I believe?” BelieveI BelieveFlyingInvisibleFighterJetBoeingNational GuardFighter Jets Author:Craig Kilborn
“You may have heard this, that NASA discovered water on Mars When he heard about the water on Mars, President Bush said, 'Is it regular or unleaded?'” MaySaidPresidentWaterHeardMarsPresident BushNasa Author:Craig Kilborn
“The election is in full-swing. Republicans have taken out round-the-clock ads promoting George Bush. Don't we already have that? It's called Fox News.” TakenRepublicanNewsElectionRoundsClockAdsSwingsFoxesPromotingFox News Author:Craig Kilborn
“There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'” SaidMomentsMillionsDollarsDemocraticChecksEmbarrassingMillion DollarsJohn KerryFundraiserEmbarrassing Moment Author:Craig Kilborn
“President Bush said John Kerry is on both sides of every issue. And Kerry replied, 'No, I'm not ... but there is some truth to that.'” SaidSidesPresidentIssuesBoth SidesPresident BushJohn Kerry Author:Craig Kilborn
“Lot of people wondering if John Kerry supports gay marriages. Here's a hint ... he gets $1,000 haircuts.” PeopleIfsWonderSupportGayGay MarriageHintsHaircutsJohn KerrySupport Gay Marriage Author:Craig Kilborn
“John Kerry announced his plan for how to handle those poor naked prisoners. His wife is going to buy them all a $1,000 Armani suit.” PoorWifePlansHandleNakedSuitsPrisonerJohn KerryArmani Author:Craig Kilborn
“John Kerry will undergo surgery to repair his right shoulder. He originally hurt it when he suddenly switched positions on Iraq.” HurtPositionIraqShouldersSurgeryJohn Kerry Author:Craig Kilborn
“Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card.” TodayWifePlansFoolGoldProofCardsDeficitWipeJohn KerryFool Proof Author:Craig Kilborn
“This is so weird. I saw the new John Kerry campaign commercial and he says, 'I'm John Kerry and I approve of this message - if I have one.'” IfsSawsMessagesCampaignsJohn Kerry Author:Craig Kilborn
“John Kerry will be the Democratic nominee for president. Democrats finally found someone who is Al Gore without the flash and the sizzle.” FoundPresidentDemocraticDemocratAlsFlashGoreJohn KerryFound Someone Author:Craig Kilborn
“Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoir has come out. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern.” WantEndsSleepPersonalityPagesShiningClintonMemoirWant To Sleep Author:Craig Kilborn
“I don't want to scare anybody here but we just received word from police that Howard Dean is loose and may be armed with a microphone.” WantMayPoliceScareDeanMicrophones Author:Craig Kilborn
“Howard Dean is narrowing the field of potential running mates. It's down to Mike Tyson or Bobby Knight.” RunningFieldsMatesMikeKnightsDeanTyson Author:Craig Kilborn
“Here in California, one candidate for governor is a 100-year-old woman. She's going door-to-door and asking one simple question - 'Do I live here?'” YearsSimpleDoorsAskingCaliforniaCandidatesGovernorsOld Woman Author:Craig Kilborn
“Larry Flynt, running for governor of California. His goal - change our state bird to the spread eagle.” StatesRunningGoalBirdSpreadCaliforniaGovernorsEaglesLarry Author:Craig Kilborn
“California's economy is declining so rapidly that candidates are asking 'Are you better off now then you were four minutes ago?'” EconomyFourMinutesAskingCaliforniaCandidatesBetter Off Author:Craig Kilborn
“There has been no electricity in Baghdad for a week and the people are angry. You would be angry too if you couldn't watch your brand new stolen TV.” PeopleIfsHas BeensWould BeWatchesWeekTvsAngryBrandsElectricityStolenBrand NewBaghdad Author:Craig Kilborn
“Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding.” StatesStoriesTodayUnitedUnited StatesDirectorsNormalNewsPressesThreatPlanningAlsVagueConferencesFbiAttorneyAl QaedaNormal LifePress ConferencesForeboding Author:Craig Kilborn
“Tom Ridge now says we don't have to run out and put plastic sheets all over the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet.” RunningHousePlasticTomsSheetsRidgesParakeets Author:Craig Kilborn
“Today Homeland Security Chief Tom Ridge lowered the terror alert from orange to yellow. Does anybody need 16 miles of duct tape?” NeedsDoeTodaySecurityTerrorMilesChiefsYellowTapeTomsOrangeHomelandRidgesHomeland SecurityDuct Tape Author:Craig Kilborn
“Martha Stewart was convicted of four counts of lying and obstruction of justice and could serve up to 20 years in Congress.” YearsLyingJusticeFourCongressObstruction Author:Craig Kilborn
“Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha - stripes are back in this year.” YearsRolesAuthorityNewsLawyerGood NewsTradingScandalStripesInsidersInsider Trading Author:Craig Kilborn
“As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.” KnowsWayFightingReadingPresidentKnow HowNiceSecurityMonthsSummerDemocratExpectedRelaxWarningVacationConventionsNational SecurityBostonPresident BushSmirkFighting BackGoing On Vacation Author:Craig Kilborn
“Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls.” WantWarFacesCrimeTrialsSaddamHusseinPollsWar Crimes Author:Craig Kilborn
“The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk.” FactsPresidentHurtNumbersPrisonScandalPollsPresident BushConcessionsSmirk Author:Craig Kilborn
“With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something.” HandsFacesPresidentResponsibilityRecordsCuttingChaosIraqEnormousGasWeekendPresidencyDistractedPresident BushBicycleGravelGas PricesJust Kids Author:Craig Kilborn
“President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He came up with a snappy new slogan - to drill where no man has drilled before.” MenPresidentMoonDollarsMissionsBillionsMarsSlogansPresident BushDrills Author:Craig Kilborn
“There are 300,000 new jobs and Bush said he's confused, 'Can I take credit for good news that I didn't even make up?'” SaidJobsNewsCreditConfusedGood NewsNew Job Author:Craig Kilborn
“In Louisiana, President Bush met with over 15,000 National Guard troops. Here's the weird part, nobody remembers seeing him there.” RememberPresidentSeeingMetsTroopsPresident BushLouisianaNational Guard Author:Craig Kilborn
“In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy.” GuyPresidentPercentThreatSizeIraqHeyPollsPresident BushMissilesExaggerated Author:Craig Kilborn
“As John Kerry sails toward the Democratic nomination, new questions are emerging about President Bush's service in the National Guard, like where he was for six months in 1972 and why he refused to take a routine physical. President Bush has vowed to get to the bottom of this right after Election Day.” PresidentMonthsSixElectionDemocraticBottomRoutineSailSix MonthsPresident BushEmergingNominationsJohn KerryElection DayNational Guard Author:Craig Kilborn
“Ironically, the possibility that the president dodged his military service has increased his approval ratings with Democrats by 80 percent.” PresidentMilitaryPossibilityPercentDemocratApprovalRatingMilitary ServiceApproval Rating Author:Craig Kilborn
“President Bush is in the hot seat over Iraqi pre-war intelligence. Remember the good ol' days when the only thing the president was trying to cover up was a stain?” TryingWarRememberPresidentHotSeatsPresident BushStainsCover UpsGood Ol Days Author:Craig Kilborn
“Bush said the unemployment situation is turning around. Last week alone, 5,000 people started working for John Kerry.” PeopleSaidLastsSituationWeekUnemploymentJohn Kerry Author:Craig Kilborn
“President Bush is not fazed by other candidates' war records. He said, I may have not fought in Vietnam, but I created one.” MaySaidWarPresidentRecordsCandidatesVietnamPresident Bush Author:Craig Kilborn
“Bryant Gumbel is thrilled about his CBS deal and can't wait to start alienating the staff of an entirely new network.” WaitingDealsStaff Author:Craig Kilborn
“Clinton said he feels safe in Harlem. It's the only place in the state Hillary is scared to look for him after dark.” FeelsLooksSaidStatesDarkSafeClintonScaredHarlem Author:Craig Kilborn
“George W. Bush even stopped in Pennsylvania to try his hand at the lotto and gave up when he could only think of the numbers 4 and 17” ThinkingTryingHandsNumbersGave UpPennsylvaniaNumber 4 Author:Craig Kilborn
