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David Letterman

David Letterman Quotes

Talk show host

David Letterman, born on April 12, 1947, is a renowned talk show host from the United States. Known for his unique humor and sharp interviewing skills, Letterman has long been associated with his late-night show. His program has been beloved by audiences for its in-depth interviews, humorous segments, and the iconic 'Late Show Top Ten' list.

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Famous David Letterman Quotes

“President Bush is going to establish elections there in Iraq. He's going to rebuild the infrastructure. He's going to create jobs. He said if it works there, he'll try it here.”

Ifs Trying Said Jobs President Election Iraq Infrastructure President Bush

Author:David Letterman

“They're saying President Obama doesn't have any friends. The problem is that he can't get Congress to approve one.”

Problem President Congress President Obama

Author:David Letterman

“It looks like President Bush will be handing over power to the Iraqis by June 30th. That's amazing and not only that, but it looks like he'll be handing over power to the Democrats by November 2nd.”

Looks President Democrat June President Bush November Handing Over

Author:David Letterman

“There's a rumor that President George Bush had a nose job, that he had some kind of plastic surgery, that he actually had a nose job. If this is true, that's the first new job he's created since taking office.”

Ifs Firsts Kind Jobs President Office Noses Plastic Surgery Rumor Plastic Surgery New Job

Author:David Letterman

“John Kerry told Tom Ridge he was too busy to receive a Homeland Security briefing. I thought that was odd, since you're not supposed to ignore terrorist threats until after you become president.”

President Security Threat Busy Terrorist Odd Toms Too Busy Homeland John Kerry Ridges Homeland Security Briefing

Author:David Letterman

“John Kerry says that foreign leaders want him to be president, but that he can't name the foreign leaders. That's all right, President Bush can't name them either.”

Want Names President Leader President Bush Want Him John Kerry

Author:David Letterman

“Did you folks see President Bush's State of the Union Address? How about that surprise announcement? Howard Dean has been captured and he's in the hands of interrogators.”

Has Beens States Hands President Unions Surprise Folks Addresses President Bush Captured Dean Announcements

Author:David Letterman

“Howard Dean was endorsed by former Vice President Al Gore and now he is getting advice from Al Gore. And I'm thinking, who better to give advice than the guy who couldn't even get elected with the most votes?”

Thinking Giving Guy President Advice Vote Vices Former Als Gore Dean Vice President

Author:David Letterman

“Al Gore has endorsed Howard Dean for president. That's pretty fitting, the guy that didn't beat Bush endorsing the guy who won't beat Bush.”

Guy President Beats Als Gore Fitting Dean Endorsing

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush announced that the war in Iraq has been won. It's all over, it's been won. I believe this would be Bush's first uncontested victory.”

Firsts Believe Has Beens War Would Be I Believe President Victory Iraq Over It President Bush

Author:David Letterman

“The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms.”

Thinking President Mets Luck Clean Gas Stations Ceo Good Luck Gas Stations Restroom Thinking Good

Author:David Letterman

“But down in Florida in the early voting, there were computer glitches, confusing ballots, long lines and chaos. And when President Bush heard about this, he said, 'Mission accomplished!'”

Long Said President Lines Heard Computer Chaos Missions Accomplished Voting Florida Confusing President Bush Ballots Long Lines Glitches Mission Accomplished

Author:David Letterman

“Political pundits are saying President George W. Bush has made gains in two key states: dazed and confused.”

Made Two States Political President Keys Gains Confused Pundits President George W Bush Dazed

Author:David Letterman

“Former President Bush, to celebrate his 80th birthday, jumped out of an airplane. And if you've seen the polls, you know he's not the only Bush in freefall.”

Ifs Knows President Celebrate Former Airplane Polls President Bush

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through 10 will be handled by the Kerry administration.”

President Five Six Strategy Iraq Administration President Bush

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush wants to build a space station on the moon. And from the moon, he wants to launch people to Mars. You know what this means. He's been drinking again.”

People Knows Want Mean President Space Moon Drinking Stations Mars President Bush

Author:David Letterman

“It was a tough press conference for President Bush. He spent the first ten minutes trying to pronounce Fallujah. ... Bush insisted that Iraq is not Vietnam. Of course not, he avoided Vietnam.”

Trying Firsts Courses President Minutes Ten Tough Presses Iraq Vietnam Conferences Avoided President Bush Press Conferences

Author:David Letterman

“CIA Director George Tenet has now testified before the 9/11 commission and he said we are still making the same dumb mistakes, like leaving memos on the President's desk.”

Said Stills President Mistake Directors Leaving Dumb Desks Leaving Me Cia Memos

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush insisted that there was nothing in the August 6th, 2001 briefing, which was titled 'Bin Laden determined to attack the United States', that hinted what bin Laden was up to. Bush says that he would have moved mountains to stop the attack. Yeah, but he draws the line at reading a memo.”

States Reading President Lines United United States Mountain Draws Yeah Moved Determined President Bush Bin Laden August Memos Briefing

Author:David Letterman

“Last night, President Bush gave a prime-time press conference. It was such a big deal that Fox decided to preempt American Idol. Which made sense to me, you don't want too many amateurs on in one night.”

Want Made Bigs Lasts Night President Deals Decided Presses Prime Idols Foxes Conferences Last Night Big Deal President Bush One Night American Idol Press Conferences Prime Time

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush says he is looking forward to the testimony of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, he is very excited about Condoleezza Rice's testimony before Congress. Well, it makes perfect sense - he wants to know what was going on, too.”

Knows Want Wells President Perfect Congress Excited Testimony Looking Forward President Bush Rice

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush says now he is sticking to his plan for handing over power to the Iraqis on June 30. It's also part of his plan to hand over power to John Kerry on January 20.”

Hands President Plans June President Bush January John Kerry Handing Over

Author:David Letterman

“I heard this today and I thought this was fascinating and interesting. President Bush has two daughters, two beautiful daughters, and they may work on their father's presidential campaign after they get out of college and I thought, well, that's a pretty good move because in this economy, they won't be able to find real jobs.”

“Insiders say that Trump is running for president as a publicity stunt. That's not the Donald Trump I know.”

Knows Running President Trump Publicity Insiders

Author:David Letterman

“How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he'd use Hair Force One.”

Use Force President Hair Trump Air Force

Author:David Letterman

“Monday is President's Day and former President Bill Clinton is very excited. He is taking George Bush, Sr. to 'Hooters'. ... George H.W. Bush and Bill Clinton have been spending more and more time together. Doesn't that seem like an unusual couple to you, honestly? Earlier today they went to go see that gay cowboy movie.”

“Yesterday, the Senate voted to approve President Clinton's decision to send troops to Bosnia. And they voted to change the name of that mission to "Operation Forget About Whitewater".”

Names President Decision Forget Clinton Missions Yesterday Operations Senate Troops President Clinton Bosnia

Author:David Letterman

“President Obama went to India, South Korea, then Japan. He's going to keep travelling until he finds his birth certificate.”

President Birth India South Japan President Obama Korea Certificates South Korea Birth Certificate

Author:David Letterman

“Mitt Romney looks like an American President in a Canadian movie.”

Looks President Romney American President

Author:David Letterman

“Arnold Schwarzenegger met with President Bush. It's amazing if you think about it. It was the Terminator and the One-Term-inator.”

Ifs Thinking President Term Mets President Bush Schwarzenegger

Author:David Letterman

“Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever running for office of the President of the United States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of becoming a two-impeachment family.”

Two States Dream Running President United United States New York Becoming Husband Office Bills Intention Clinton Disappointed Senators Juniors Crushed Impeachment Running For Office

Author:David Letterman

“Every day is President's Day when you have an intern!”

Author:David Letterman

“Did you hear what the Republicans have said about Hillary Clinton? They say she's too angry to be president. Hillary Clinton, Senator Hillary Clinton, too angry to be president. When she heard this, Hillary said, 'Oh yeah? I'll rip your throats out, you bastards.'”

Said President Heard Republican Yeah Angry Clinton Throat Senators Rip

Author:David Letterman

“You know, Sarah Palin is the Governor of Alaska, you know that. And she's a lifelong member of the National Rifle Association. So great, is what I'm thinking, another vice president that shoots a drinking buddy; just get ready.”

Thinking Knows President Ready Members Drinking Vices Association Governors Buddy Lifelong Alaska Vice President Rifles Palin Drinking Buddy

Author:David Letterman

“Donald Trump announced that he is not running for president. He would rather spend his time making Gary Busey sell Snapple on the street.”

Running President Streets Trump Sells Gary

Author:David Letterman

“Iraq is so bad that President Obama phoned Hillary Clinton and asked her if she could start early.”

Ifs President Clinton Iraq President Obama

Author:David Letterman

“President Obama is sending troops back to Iraq. He said, 'Don't worry, we should not be there any longer than a Kardashian marriage.'”

Should Said President Worry Iraq President Obama Troops

Author:David Letterman

“President Obama is sending a couple hundred troops to Iraq. We spent six years trying to figure a way to get out of Iraq. And now we're back. But this time there is an exit strategy. Barack Obama has an exit strategy. In 2016, he's gone.”

Way Trying Years President Gone Figures Couple Six Hundred Strategy Iraq Barack President Obama Troops Exit

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.”

Has Beens Courses President Comedy Quiet Silent President Bush Schwarzenegger

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?”

Needs Doe Funny Guy Fun President Hell Comedy Wind Months Lazy This Guy President Bush Being Funny Unwind

Author:David Letterman

“President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.”

Thinking Needs Wells Doe Said War President Hell Appreciate Voters Approval President Bush American Voters

Author:David Letterman

“Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 2) Advising the President. 3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.”

Ifs Thinking Knows Writing Book War Humor Would Be Today Funny President Alive Humour Humorous Historical Memoir Civil War Abraham Coffins History Books

Author:David Letterman

About the Author

Born: April 12, 1947
Known for: Talk show host
Quotes: 606

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