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“Pensions and 401(k)s are just illusions, like Social Security. You're better off investing in Bigfoot Fur Coats—and I'm now selling all the newest interdimensional flavors.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I just invented a way to put the smooth sounds of a saxophone directly into a trumpet—with little or minimal rusting. When you listen to my music, just close your eyes, because your mind is about to take a romantic trip—inside of a mental elevator.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I said I made a special trip to get her favorite item, because it sounded more romantic than admitting I randomly had it already. Now that’s love.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Repetition leads to reputation. Reputation leads to respect. Respect leads to responsibility. So if you continually work hard, you’ll have the opportunity to continue to work hard.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“She said everything when she said nothing, and I replied by not replying. That's as much communication as you can have with no dialogue.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“To Do Today:
1. Sit and think
2. Reach enlightenment
3. Feed the cats”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Camouflaged letters would help improve communication, and I explain the reason why in this invisible text:”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“If I saw you hitchhiking, I’d smile and return your thumb’s up, just for you doing such a great job of being a positive roadside influence.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Sometimes I fish, and sometimes my vending machine is broken so I can’t. Thanks for all your Butterfly Smiles. I have them FOR SALE as Powdered Rose Substitute, for people who don't like the taste of their morning protein shakes.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“When a girl says she wants to be friends with benefits, I always ask if that includes dental insurance.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I've been in love one time, I said as I held up my pinky. I would have held up my index finger, but I wasn't in love that long.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Why pay someone else ten dollars for one item that does two things, when for five dollars apiece I can sell you two items that each does one thing? It’s the same price, and the same things, but it’s not the same thing.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“At church, during communion, they give out free wine. Whoa! Talk about a great place to drink and meet women.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I used to date the lead singer of The Cranberries, but she cheated on me. Turns out she had some turkey on the side.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I asked her on a date for Friday at 8:00. She said, “Some other time, maybe.” So I said, “How about 8:01?””
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Your mind is a hole that can be endlessly expanded into an abyss. The depth of your potential nothingness is truly astounding.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Never let go of a good thing without a fight. Especially if that good thing is a pair of boxing gloves.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The only gift I have to give is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I want to write a poem about "Truth," "Honor," "Dignity," and whether the toilet paper should roll over or under when you pull on it.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Here’s what I’d love to see: A vending machine that dispenses cats for petting on your lunch break. Instead of money, the machine accepts hugs.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“There are two types of things to do in Branson: Things that cost money and things that aren’t fun. Some things are both things.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Your orange fanny pack reminds me of my Leftover Meatloaf Holder. I wear it when I work out or make love. My incredible level of romance can be rented by you for the unbelievably low price of $14.95 per hour.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Eddie Money and Johnny Cash should have collaborated. I’d have paid good last name to see them in concert.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The Whisper Factory is now hiring! Report your grandma for suspicious behavior and get PAID!”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“If I ever write a book on money, it will be free, because I don't know anything about the subject—including how to make it. I guess that makes me almost as qualified as college economics professors.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Sales is a hard way to make money, trying to convince people to willingly pay you for a product or service. I prefer making money the old-fashioned way, by extortion, like the government does.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Quarterbacks shouldn’t leave the pocket, because that’s where the money is. Every politician knows this.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“A penny saved is a penny wasted. Thanks, fiat currency and inflation!”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“If our destiny stems from our name, then I weep for the flower named Wilt.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“They don't play the trombone like the tuba anymore. I blame it on canned tunafish.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I'm so good at math that you can ask me any question, any equation, and I'll convert it into trumpet sounds with my mouth. If it's tough enough, I may answer with Dizzy Gillespie noises.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“The strings on a guitar are like fishing lines, and I strum them out at sea. Each string has a distinct sound and flavor, but the most popular with the sharks is Leftover Meatloaf, which sounds like Color Me Badd’s 1991 song “I Wanna Sex You Up.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Self-driving cars are so lonely. Are you really going to use all that extra commute time to binge-watch Netflix? Why not hire me to sit next to you and whistle all your favorite tunes?”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“He said he had a stroke reading my absurd writing, so I said, “Thank you for your service.” Then I continued washing my dishes in my lawnmower.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“What’s with the phrase “Chatty Cathy”? You’d think you wouldn’t want to abbreviate the derogatory term for someone long-winded. Chatty Catherine sounds more appropriate.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“She thought she knew it all, and I knew better than to argue with a person with a brain that’s at maximum capacity. Just because it’s full, doesn’t mean it contains a large volume of value.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“We shared some laughs, her and I. I was content to go on sharing, but she took her whole Box of Laughter and went home, leaving me alone with my memes.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“I’m a book lover. I’ve probably already fucked a whole library.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Your cooking reminds me of a Special Olympics race. Reminds me of the time I came in third place. I should have worn a condom.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“When I told people I’d reinvent the orgasm, people moaned in disbelief. Well, nobody’s moaning now.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Pool tables should have contours, like golf courses. For a novice billiards player, I have a pretty good swing.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Tourists are as fleeting as holographic butterflies. The only thing permanent in this world is my Leftover Meatloaf. Branson needs to quickly learn this before I'm completely SOLD OUT.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Hide things everywhere. Forget about them. Find them randomly and feel surprised like a pirate finding buried treasure. Avoid scurvy. Love more.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Sometimes the best pizza is sushi. That’s where I go to get my haircut. Discounts available for fish with fur.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Gasoline-scented soap is a great idea that’s a terrible idea. Plus, if I made soap that smelled like petroleum, The US Military would invade my shower and kill me.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“She said her heavy luggage had wheels, so I said, “Here, why don’t I carry that for you?” I was in stupid love.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Teleportation is weird. Especially if you’re wearing your neighbor’s skin suit and using his body to get around the old fashioned way—by walking. Why don’t you pick me up in a 1990 black Jeep Cherokee?”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't
“Instead of sidewalks, why not sideruns? After all, the pace of life is faster than it has ever been, so I think our infrastructure’s nomenclature should reflect that.”
Source: There are Two Typos of People in This World: Those Who Can Edit and Those Who Can't