Quotessence
Home / Authors / Jay Leno
Jay Leno

Jay Leno Quotes

Comedian

Filter quotes by topic

AllPresidentSaidKnowsIfsPeopleTodayPresident BushThinkingPresident ObamaYearsFirstsWantJohn KerryGuyJobsMenWellsWhiteClintonHouse

Famous Jay Leno Quotes

“According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?”

WantGivingFirstsGuyHarderKillingChairsElectricPenaltiesDeath PenaltyAttorneyStancePowderItchingElectric Chair
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“President Obama's been reaching out to Iran, reaching out to Cuba, reaching out to Latin America. The only place he can't seem to be able to reach out to: Texas. ... Despite Governor Rick Perry talking about how Texas could secede from the Union if it wanted to, 75 per cent of the people who live there want to stay in the United States. Of course they want to stay. I mean, after spending all that time and effort sneaking across the border to get here, why would they want to leave?”

PeopleIfsWantMeanStatesSeemsAbleWantedAmericaCoursesPresidentUnitedEffortTalkingUnited StatesUnionsSpendingDespiteBordersReachingIranLatinTexasPresident ObamaReach OutCentsGovernorsCubaLatin America
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“The federal government said today they've begun training sessions for airport security workers to provide what they call more customer satisfaction to the travels, they want to make it easier for us. They're instructing security guards to glance at your luggage tags so that they can call you by your first name. Isn't that creepy? The guy touching your wife, calling her by her first name.”

WantFirstsSaidGovernmentTodayGuyNamesWifeSecurityEasierCallingTrainingWorkersSatisfactionCustomersTouchingFederal GovernmentGlancesAirportsSessionCreepyTagCustomer SatisfactionLuggageSecurity GuardsAirport Security
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“In Afghanistan, U.S. troops are now holding an American man who has been fighting alongside the Taliban. His mother says he was born in Washington, D.C. and his father's a lawyer. Well, that explains it. ... He surrendered to authorities and said he wants to go back to his old job - airline security guard.”

MenWantWellsHas BeensSaidJobsMotherFightingFatherBornSecurityAuthorityLawyerAfghanistanTroopsAirlineTalibanSecurity GuardsOld JobAirline Security
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.”

PeopleWantShouldMeanMadeSaidEnoughStoriesDreamWantedPresidentChildhoodMedicineClintonAthleteHospitalsAthleticAstronautChildhood DreamsOlympic Athlete
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“Climate experts say we should tell villagers in developing countries to reduce the amount of cooking smoke they generate to help fix global warming. You know, it's as if these people don't hate us enough already. I mean, they live in mud huts, they have thatch roofs, their clothes are made of straw. We pull up in a bunch of Humvees and SUVs going, 'Hey, you want to cut the smoke out of here?'”

PeopleIfsKnowsWantShouldMeanMadeCountryEnoughHelpingHateCuttingAmountClothesCookingClimateBunchHeySmokeDevelopingExpertsGlobal WarmingRoofMudStrawsDon't HateHey YouHutsDeveloping CountriesPull UpsSuvsEnough Already
Author:Jay Leno
Create image