Quotessence
Home / Authors / Jay Leno
Jay Leno

Jay Leno Quotes

Comedian

Filter quotes by topic

AllPresidentSaidKnowsIfsPeopleTodayPresident BushThinkingPresident ObamaYearsFirstsWantJohn KerryGuyJobsMenWellsWhiteClintonHouse

Famous Jay Leno Quotes

“According to the L.A. Times, Attorney General John Ashcroft wants to take "a harder stance" on the death penalty. What's a harder stance on the death penalty? We're already killing the guy? How do you take a harder stance on the death penalty? What, are you going to tickle him first? Give him itching powder? Put a thumbtack on the electric chair?”

WantGivingFirstsGuyHarderKillingChairsElectricPenaltiesDeath PenaltyAttorneyStancePowderItchingElectric Chair
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“So, Wesley Clark is running for president. Pretty amazing guy. Four star general, first in his class at West Point, supreme commander of NATO, saw combat in Vietnam, won the bronze star, silver star, the purple heart for being wounded in battle. See, I'm no political expert, but that sounds pretty good next to choking on a pretzel, falling off a scooter and dropping the dog.”

FirstsHeartRunningPoliticalGuyFallNextStarsSoundPresidentClassSawsFourDogBattleWestSupremeExpertsSilverCombatVietnamWoundedPurpleDroppingCommandersChokeNatoBronzeFalling OffPretzelsWest PointScootersPurple Heart
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“The CEO of Enron, Jeffrey Skilling, married one of the Enron secretaries this week. It's amazing how romantic these Enron guys can be when they realize that wives can't be forced to testify against their husbands. Skilling said today she was the best secretary Enron had ever had. She could shred 950 words a minute. ... I guess they are on their honeymoon right now. That's going pretty well. Hey, he's used to screwing Enron employees.”

WellsSaidTodayUsedGuyRealizingWifeWeekMinutesRight NowHusbandMarriedHeyEmployeeSecretaryCeoHoneymoonEnron
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“John Kerry's victory over Howard Dean has completely changed the presidential race around. Now instead of the rich white guy from Yale who lives in the White house facing off against the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Vermont, he may have to face the rich white guy from Yale who lives in Massachusetts. It's a whole different game.”

MayDifferentWholeFacesGuyGamesHouseWhiteRaceRichChangedVictoryPresidentialWhite HouseDeanYaleJohn KerryMassachusettsVermontWhite Guys
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“Alaska Governor Sarah Palin pardoned a turkey, though she said she was amazed to find out that, besides being a bird, Turkey is also a country. Did you see that all over the Internet today? While Sarah Palin was pardoning a turkey, right behind her was a guy slaughtering turkeys. But, see, like most Internet stories, a little half-true. Turns out that, after a couple of minutes listening to Sarah Palin's voice, the turkeys said 'Kill us now.'”

LittlesSaidCountryStoriesTodayGuyTurnsVoiceBehindsHalfMinutesListeningCoupleInternetBirdGovernorsAmazedTurkeysAlaskaPalin
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“The Obama administration asked General Motors CEO Rick Wagoner to step down, and he agreed. This is good news for Obama; the last time he tried to get someone to quit, it took months -- and even then, he had to promise her a job as secretary of state. ... According to the government, Rick Wagoner was forced to resign because of poor performance. That's embarrassing -- run an organization that loses billions of dollars and then get fired by a guy who heads up an organization that loses trillions of dollars.”

StatesGovernmentRunningJobsLastsGuyLosesPoorStepsMonthsPromiseNewsPerformancesOrganizationDown AndDollarsBillionsQuittingAdministrationSecretaryLast TimeCeoGood NewsEmbarrassingMotorHeads UpGeneral MotorsPoor Performance
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“More and more details coming out now about spoiled rich kid Osama bin Laden. Time reports this week he was one of 52 kids. Mother must be exhausted. This guy inherited $80 million at age 13 and has since expanded it to $300 million through construction, smart investments and gas and oil investments. This way, he can use the money in his war against capitalism.”

WayWarUseKidsAgeMotherGuyMillionsRichWeekSmartCapitalismInvestmentDetailsOilReportsGasComing OutConstructionExhaustedThis GuyBin LadenSpoiledOsama Bin LadenRich Kids
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“A second Homeland Security official has been arrested, a 49-year-old guy named Frank Figueroa, he was caught exposing and fondling himself to a teenage girl in a shopping mall in Florida. Do you realize? If Osama bin Laden was a 14-year old girl, we would have had him by now. ... Who is going to start protecting us from the Department of Homeland Security? ... It kind of makes you long for the good old wholesome days of the Clinton administration.”

IfsYearsKindLongHas BeensGuyGirlRealizingSecurityClintonCaughtAdministrationOfficialsDepartmentShoppingFrankFloridaTeenageArrestedBin LadenHomelandMallsExposingOsama Bin LadenTeenage GirlHomeland SecurityOld GuysFondlingDepartment Of Homeland Security
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“The federal government said today they've begun training sessions for airport security workers to provide what they call more customer satisfaction to the travels, they want to make it easier for us. They're instructing security guards to glance at your luggage tags so that they can call you by your first name. Isn't that creepy? The guy touching your wife, calling her by her first name.”

WantFirstsSaidGovernmentTodayGuyNamesWifeSecurityEasierCallingTrainingWorkersSatisfactionCustomersTouchingFederal GovernmentGlancesAirportsSessionCreepyTagCustomer SatisfactionLuggageSecurity GuardsAirport Security
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“The White House has finally found one guy that kinda remembers serving with President Bush in the National Guard. Now they just need to find someone who remembers Bush working on an economic plan. ... I think the White House spent more money looking for this guy than finding weapons of mass destruction.”

ThinkingNeedsRememberGuyFoundHousePresidentWhitePlansEconomicFindingsWeaponsMassDestructionServingWhite HouseMore MoneyThis GuyPresident BushWeapons Of Mass DestructionMass DestructionNational Guard
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“Political analysts say that President Bush's re-election strategy is to try and convince Americans that he's a war president. I don't get that, do you think that'll work? I mean, don't you think that if he tries to convince the American people that we need a war president, isn't he afraid that they're going to vote for the guy that was actually in a war?”

PeopleIfsThinkingNeedsTryingMeanWarPoliticalGuyPresidentVoteElectionStrategyConvincePresident BushAnalysts
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“The big story now is that President Bush is coming under attack for his service in the National Guard. The White House said, 'no no,' that they have payroll records to show that he served in the National Guard. But today, the commanding officers can't remember seeing Bush between May and October of '72. President Bush said, 'Remember me? I'm the drunk guy. Remember me?'”

MaySaidStoriesShowsBigsTodayRememberGuyHousePresidentWhiteRecordsSeeingDrunkWhite HouseOfficersPresident BushOctoberRemember MePayrollNational Guard
Author:Jay Leno
Create image

“It seems The Journal of Neurology reports that the longer you smoke, the less likely you are to develop Parkinson's disease. So what are they telling us? Follow me guys. Remember, a couple of months ago, doctors said drinking a glass of alcohol every day was good for your heart. Smoking prevents Parkinson's disease. Marijuana is good for glaucoma. Sex is good for your prostate. You know, screw health care. Let's party!”

KnowsHeartSaidSeemsCareRememberGuySexPartyMonthsCoupleDiseaseDoctorsDrinkingGlassesAlcoholSmokeHealth CareSmokingReportsMarijuanaJournalScrewsFollow MeNeurologyParkinsonParkinson'sProstateGlaucoma
Author:Jay Leno
Create image