“I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.” ThinkingWantKindBigsLastsMovingNightKindnessFoodShapesTablesCookingBoardsRestaurantsCulinaryLast NightBuffetsOuija Board Author:Steven Wright
“Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish. My dreams were broadcast all over the world.” WorldDreamLastsNightDishesLast NightSatellites Author:Steven Wright
“All the plants in my house are dead - I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.” HumorFunnyLastsNightHouseShotsPlantIceLast NightTeaseCubes Author:Steven Wright
“I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building...I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."” MindLittlesTwoDoneHumorFunnyLastsTurnsSawsHappenedFeetMinutesChangedBuildingSuicideCommitJumpingKittenLast MinuteFlippedJumping Off Author:Steven Wright
“Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.” YearsCountryHumorFunnyLastsRememberTapeLast YearCassettesCassette Tapes Author:Steven Wright
“Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.” HumorFunnyLastsNightNextDoorsNutsTapeBlankLast NightBlastMime Author:Steven Wright
“Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.” PeopleLastsNightHouseFourLateDiedCardsGamblingLast NightGambleTarotTarot CardsPlaying CardsFull House Author:Steven Wright
“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.” YearsHumorFunnyLastsLinesSeaRiversCaughtFishesBoatLakesFishingLast YearFishermanFly FishingAnglingFish TanksCatching Fish Author:Steven Wright
“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.” HumorFunnyLastsNightComedyLettersWake UpHotelHospitalityLast Night Author:Steven Wright
“Sometimes I wish my first word was 'quote,' so that on my death bed, my last words could be 'end quote.'” FirstsEndsSometimesLastsWishBedLast WordsDeath Bed Author:Steven Wright
“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?” KnowsSaidHumorFunnyLastsNightBrokeApartmentReplacedLast NightRoommateDuplicate Author:Steven Wright
“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.” PeopleYearsLastsInformationLast YearTourists Author:Steven Wright
“I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.” PeopleStatesLastsAsksUnitedUnited StatesSummerSizeMilesScalesAsk MeMapsFoldingLast Summer Author:Steven Wright
“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.” LongSaidWholeHumorFunnyLastsNightWalksGoneLast Night Author:Steven Wright
“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.” FirstsSaidWould BeLastsWishBornDied Author:Steven Wright
“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.” KnowsFeelsTwoHumorFunnyLastsTimeFallSittingLegsChairs Author:Steven Wright
