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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?”
“I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!”
“I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.”
“Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?”
“If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?”
“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
“Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”
“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.”
“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”
“I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.”
“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”
“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”
“I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.”
“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the road an hour.”
“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”