“My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn't get his birth mark til he was eight years old.” YearsFriendshipBirthMy FriendsMarkEightProcrastinator Author:Steven Wright
“My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.” IfsGivingYearsHumorFunnyNextGive MeBirthdayAuntNext YearMy BirthdayTalkiesWalkie Talkies Author:Steven Wright
“Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she's 6. While both criminal, they're very different circumstances.” YearsDifferentCircumstancesVictimCriminalsCompare Author:Steven Wright
“Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was.” YearsCountryHumorFunnyLastsRememberTapeLast YearCassettesCassette Tapes Author:Steven Wright
“When I was five years old I was on a merry go round. There was a gunshot nearby. The horses stampeded. There I was running down the street on a purple wooden horse.” YearsHumorRunningFunnyFiveStreetsHorseRoundsFive YearsPurpleMerryFive Year OldsMerry Go RoundGunshots Author:Steven Wright
“I was watching the Superbowl with my 92 year old grandfather. The team scored a touchdown. They showed the instant replay. He thought they scored another one. I was gonna tell him, but I figured the game HE was watching was better.” YearsHumorFunnyGamesTeamInstantGrandfatherReplayTouchdownsInstant Replay Author:Steven Wright
“Four years ago... no, it was yesterday.” YearsHumorFunnyFourYears AgoYesterdayFour Years Author:Steven Wright
“I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck. But my lawyer thinks he can get me five.” ThinkingLifeInspirationalYearsFiveFeetMirrorsLuckSevenLawyerSeven YearsAttorneyBad LuckBustedFunny LawyerBad FortuneBest Lawyer Author:Steven Wright
“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.” YearsHumorFunnyLastsLinesSeaRiversCaughtFishesBoatLakesFishingLast YearFishermanFly FishingAnglingFish TanksCatching Fish Author:Steven Wright
“Honestly, I just go to restaurants to eat so I won't die. If there was a pill I could take in January and then I wouldn't have to eat again for the rest of the year, I would take it. Of course, I wouldn't want to sacrifice my chocolate cake and ice cream.” IfsWantYearsDiesCoursesSacrificeHonestlyIceRestaurantsChocolateCakeCreamIce CreamPillsJanuaryChocolate Cake Author:Steven Wright
“I never even thought of myself as deadpan until someone wrote an article about me about a year after I was doing comedy. There was a paper called the 'Boston Phoenix,' and someone wrote a description of what I was doing and that's where I first saw 'deadpan.'” YearsFirstsSawsComedyPaperDescriptionArticlesBostonPhoenix Author:Steven Wright
“I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.” PeopleIfsYearsHappensWantedMy FriendsComedianSuperstitious Author:Steven Wright
“I've been doing comedy longer than I haven't been doing comedy, as I was performing for three years before I even got on 'The Tonight Show.' There's truly nothing like it; it's intense and exhilarating, even though it looks so casual.” YearsLooksShowsThreeComedyHavensIntensePerformingTonightThree YearsCasualExhilarating Author:Steven Wright
“When I was on TV in the '80s, I wasn't thinking, 'There's a 10-year-old kid watching this and in 15 years, he's gonna be doing stuff that was influenced by me.' I was trying to get my five minutes together. So now that those people are comedians and they're influenced by me - it's bizarre.” PeopleThinkingTryingYearsKidsTogetherStuffFiveMinutesTvsComedianBizarre80sFive Minutes Author:Steven Wright
“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.” PeopleYearsLastsInformationLast YearTourists Author:Steven Wright
“Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?” ThinkingLifeYearsSaidTwoNextBornDestinyBabyLaysHospitalsCoincidenceBizarreEightyDeathbed Author:Steven Wright
“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.” IfsYearsTwoHumorAgeFunnyTimeAnxietySixAnxiousNinetyFunny Old Age BirthdayFunny Birthday Author:Steven Wright
