Home / Authors / Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes

Comedian

Steven Wright, born on December 6, 1955, is a renowned American comedian. Known for his unique humor style and profound jokes, Wright's performances are typically characterized by dry humor and black comedy, which have won him a dedicated following.

Filter quotes by topic

All Funny Humor Ifs Comedy Said Knows People Thinking Night Car Way Funny One Liner House Lasts Saws Years Humorous Jokes Used Home

Famous Steven Wright Quotes

“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.”

Writing Book Done Humor Funny Numbers Pages Humorous Witty Crafts Writing A Book

Author:Steven Wright

“I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.”

Humor Funny Food Humorous Cooking Restaurants Nonsense Culinary Breakfast Renaissance Toasts Funny Life Funny One Liner Breakfast Being Important Italian Renaissance Breakfast Food French Toast British Comedy

Author:Steven Wright

“I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint... it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.”

Funny Comedy Humorous Witty Hilarious Batteries

Author:Steven Wright

“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”

Ifs Country Funny Laughter Humorous Crosses Witty Funny Inspirational Skis Skiing Small Countries Skiers Funny Cross Country Running

Author:Steven Wright

“You can't have everything. Where would you put it?”

Humor Funny Humility Fame Laughter Humorous Simplicity Comedian Funny Inspirational Simple Life Funny Life Funny Motivational Live Simply Fun Stuff Funny Comedian Funny Thoughts

Author:Steven Wright

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

Life Humor Written Humorous Witty Existentialism Over It Maps Existential

Author:Steven Wright

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'”

Ifs Needs Wells Said Humor Funny Humorous Borders Canada Crossings Firearms

Author:Steven Wright

“On the other hand, you have different fingers.”

Different Humor Hands Funny Humorous Fingers Witty Hilarious Bumper Sticker Funny Bumper Sticker Funny One Liner

Author:Steven Wright

“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”

“I've been thinking of humorous things since I was... I can't remember when. All the way through elementary school, all the way through junior high, all the way through high school, through college and after college, I was thinking of the same kinds of things that I say in front of an audience now.”

Thinking Way Kind I Can School Remember Audience Fronts College Humorous High School Remember When Juniors Elementary School Junior High

Author:Steven Wright

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

Made Humor Funny Humorous Hilarious Horns Stupid People Funny But True Brake Funny People Repairing Funny One Liner People Stupidity Hilarious Short Super Funny

Author:Steven Wright

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

Giving Humor Funny Names Humorous Lawyer Sarcasm Sarcastic Funny One Liner Funny Lawyer

Author:Steven Wright

“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”

Persons Ideas Humor Funny Research Humorous Stealing Comedian One Liner Plagiarism Funny One Liner Funny Science Best Funny

Author:Steven Wright

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese”

About the Author

Born: December 6, 1955
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 540

Books & Sources

HaroldRelated source material

Similar Authors

Mitch HedbergBrowse related quotes
Milton JonesBrowse related quotes
Tommy CooperBrowse related quotes
Chic MurrayBrowse related quotes
Kristen SchaalBrowse related quotes
Frankie BoyleBrowse related quotes
Russell HowardBrowse related quotes
Bill BaileyBrowse related quotes
Frank CarsonBrowse related quotes
Dylan MoranBrowse related quotes