“The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.”
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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.”
“Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.”
“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!”
“If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”
“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”
“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”
“I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.”
“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
“The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.”
“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.”
“Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?”
“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
“Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.”
“It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.”
“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”
“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”
“Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”
“I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”
“If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?”
“When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?”
“George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.”
“My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.”