Home / Authors / Steven Wright

Steven Wright

Steven Wright Quotes

Comedian

Steven Wright, born on December 6, 1955, is a renowned American comedian. Known for his unique humor style and profound jokes, Wright's performances are typically characterized by dry humor and black comedy, which have won him a dedicated following.

Filter quotes by topic

All Funny Humor Ifs Comedy Said Knows People Thinking Night Car Way Funny One Liner House Lasts Saws Years Humorous Jokes Used Home

Famous Steven Wright Quotes

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often, I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Germany. She said 'cut it out'”

Said Home Humor Light Funny House Energy Justice Cutting Yesterday Checks Germany And Off

Author:Steven Wright

“I turned my air conditioner the other way around and it got cold out. The weatherman said 'I don't understand it. It was supposed to be 80 degrees out today.' I said, oops”

Way Said Home Today Energy Understanding Air Cold Degrees Supposed To Be Weathermen Air Conditioner

Author:Steven Wright

“I took my dog for a walk... all the way from New York to Florida... I said to him "There now you're done."”

Way Said Done Walks Dog New York Florida My Dog

Author:Steven Wright

“I saw a sign at a gas station. It said 'help wanted'. There was another sign below it that said 'self service'. So I hired myself. Then I made myself the boss. I gave myself a raise. I paid myself. Then I quit.”

Made Said Self Helping Wanted Opportunity Work Saws Paid Raises Quitting Gas Stations Boss I Quit Gas Stations Self Service

Author:Steven Wright

“A cop stopped me for speeding/ He said, 'Why were you going so fast?' I said, 'See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing [mimes steering wheel]? This steers it'”

Said Whole Feet Car Wheels Gas Engines Cop Steers Steering Speeding Mime

Author:Steven Wright

“I'm so hyper. (said with a very dull voice>”

Said Voice Dull Hyper

Author:Steven Wright

“I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.”

Ifs Knows Want Doe Said Book Humor Light Happens Funny Jobs Guy Turns Reading Asks Let Me Speed Things Happen Interviews Turn-on Spaceships Speed Of Light Job Interview Headlights

Author:Steven Wright

“One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read"”

Believe Said Humor Running Funny Time Belief Yeah Don't Believe One Time Cop

Author:Steven Wright

“I saw a close friend of mine the other day. . . . He said, "Stephen, why haven't you called me?" I said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't know . . . my calendar has no sevens on it."”

Knows Want Long Said I Can Humor Funny Five Saws Havens Mines Phones Calendars Close Friends

Author:Steven Wright

“The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store . . . with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."”

Giving Said Humor Funny Money Gun Give Me Stores Department Halls Vaults Pricing Department Stores Hairballs

Author:Steven Wright

“I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote", so right before I die I could say "unquote".”

Firsts Said Humor Funny Dies Wish Before I Die

Author:Steven Wright

“My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, 'If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?' I said, 'No.' She said, 'Okay, forget it.”

Ifs Knows Want Said Death Dies Forget Know How One Day Okay Girlfriend Forget It My Girlfriend

Author:Steven Wright

“I was hitchhiking the other day and a hearse stopped. I said, 'No thanks, I'm not going that far.”

Said Thanks Transport Hitchhiking

Author:Steven Wright

“I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."”

Said Humor Funny Four Ten Boxes Clerks

Author:Steven Wright

“I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything toda”

Ifs Said Humor Funny Saws Bottles Cologne

Author:Steven Wright

“Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so... he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."”

Thinking Persons Said Humor Today Funny Speak Waiting Numbers Months They Said Hello Joey Wrong Number

Author:Steven Wright

“While I was gone, somebody rearranged on the furniture in my bedroom. They put it in exactly the same place it was. When I told my roommate, he said: "Do I know you?"”

Knows Said Humor Funny Gone Bedroom Furniture Roommate

Author:Steven Wright

“I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'”

Knows Said Humor Funny Hours Limits Speed Miles Do You Know Cop Speed Limits

Author:Steven Wright

“The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.”

Said Humor Funny Names Changed Eight Items

Author:Steven Wright

“When I was a kid I had a friend who worked in a radio station. Whenever we walked under a bridge, you couldn't hear what he said.”

Said Humor Kids Funny Radio Bridges Stations Radio Stations

Author:Steven Wright

“I saw a want ad. "light housekeeping." They said "Here, change this bulb." I said "I'll need some friends."”

Want Needs Said Humor Light Funny Saws Ads They Said Bulbs Housekeeping

Author:Steven Wright

“The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "Right here, officer."”

Said Home Humor Funny Night House Car Keys Late Officers Cop Speeding Car Keys

Author:Steven Wright

“I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "yes."”

Want Made Said Humor Funny Lines White Chocolate Cake They Said Chocolate Cake Potluck

Author:Steven Wright

“Yesterday I told a chicken to cross the road. It said, "What for?"”

Said Humor Funny Crosses Yesterday Chickens

Author:Steven Wright

“A beautiful woman moved in next door. So I went over and returned a cup of sugar. She said, "You didn't borrow this." I said, " I will!"”

Said Humor Funny Beautiful Next Doors Moved Cups Sugar Beautiful Women

Author:Steven Wright

“I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this >>><<<<. I go down to the pet store and said, "Give me another ten guppies, I got a lot of calls yesterday."”

Giving Said I Can Humor Funny Sound Ten Give Me Phones Fishes Stores Yesterday Pet Tanks Fish Tanks

Author:Steven Wright

“One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building. I turned it, and the whole building started up. So I drove it around. A policeman stopped me for going too fast. He said, "Where do you live?" I said, "Right here!" Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.”

Said Whole Home Humor Funny Hell Doors Middle Car Building Keys One Day Ran Apartment Highways Policemen Driveway Car Keys

Author:Steven Wright

“I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased the all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."”

Said Humor Funny Records My Friends Hey Tape Blank Backwards Wire Cassettes

Author:Steven Wright

“When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good?' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'”

“I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'”

Said Humor Funny Money Comedy Cups Sugar They Said

Author:Steven Wright

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'”

Ifs Needs Wells Said Humor Funny Humorous Borders Canada Crossings Firearms

Author:Steven Wright

“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”

Said Humor Funny Time Hours Saws Time Management Banking Bankers Funny Money

Author:Steven Wright

“I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'”

Said Humor Funny Guy Hours Comedy Doors Streets Fronts Hey Groceries Front Doors

Author:Steven Wright

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

Knows Said Humor Funny Lasts Night Broke Apartment Replaced Last Night Roommate Duplicate

Author:Steven Wright

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

Men Said Feet Mets Shoes

Author:Steven Wright

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”

Said Humor Funny Saws Car Stores Pet Groceries Supplies Grocery Stores Compact

Author:Steven Wright

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

Long Said Whole Humor Funny Lasts Night Walks Gone Last Night

Author:Steven Wright

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

Firsts Said Would Be Lasts Wish Born Died

Author:Steven Wright

“Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?”

Thinking Life Years Said Two Next Born Destiny Baby Lays Hospitals Coincidence Bizarre Eighty Deathbed

Author:Steven Wright

“A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.”

Said Humor Earth Funny Wish Friendship Space Taken Mines Planets Cards Posts Wish You Planet Earth

Author:Steven Wright

About the Author

Born: December 6, 1955
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 540

Related Topics

Funny Humor Ifs Comedy Said Knows People Thinking Night Car Way Funny One Liner House Lasts Saws Years Humorous Jokes Used Home

Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

Books & Sources

HaroldRelated source material

Similar Authors

Mitch HedbergBrowse related quotes
Milton JonesBrowse related quotes
Tommy CooperBrowse related quotes
Chic MurrayBrowse related quotes
Kristen SchaalBrowse related quotes
Frankie BoyleBrowse related quotes
Russell HowardBrowse related quotes
Bill BaileyBrowse related quotes
Frank CarsonBrowse related quotes
Dylan MoranBrowse related quotes