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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“I wear my heart on my sleeve. I wear my liver on my pant leg.”
“Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?”
“I had just received my degree in Calcium Anthropology... the study of milkmen.”
“Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.”
“The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney.”
“The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.”
“If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.”
“Babies don't need a vacation. But I still see them at the beach. It pisses me off.”
“I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.”
“If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?”
“I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start.”
“Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?”
“Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?”
“I spent all my money on a FAX machine. Now I can only FAX collect.”
“I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.”
“After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water?”
“I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!”
“I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage' 'It's not for sale.'”
“I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.”