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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“If you melt dry ice in a pool and go swimming, will you get wet?”
“Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo. He got pretty good. He could go under a rug.”
“I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.”
“They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning. I like to live on the edge.”
“I used to work at a health food store. I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.”
“I forgot and left the lighthouse on all night. Next day the sun wouldn't rise.”
“I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. so I looked closer. it was made of grass.”
“I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.”
“Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?”
“They say you're not supposed to put metal in a microwave oven. They're right.”
“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.”
“I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'”
“I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.”
“There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”
“Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.”
“I installed a skylight in my apartment... the people who live above me are furious!”
“I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.”
“If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?”
“Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.”
“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
“I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.”
“I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.”