“I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.”
Filter quotes by topic
Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?”
“The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.”
“It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.”
“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.”
“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”
“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.”
“Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.”
“I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.”
“It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.”
“I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.”
“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”
“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.”
“I had to stop driving my car for a while... the tires got dizzy.”
“Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.”
“My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”
“I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.”
“I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.”
“I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.”
“I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.”
“I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.”
“If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?”
“When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?”
“Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.”
“If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.”