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Famous Steven Wright Quotes
“The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.”
“I live at the end of a dead end one way street. I don't know how I got there.”
“I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings... Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.”
“I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The clerk said, "ten-four."”
“I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."”
“In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so I never have to go upstairs.”
“I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.”
“The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.”
“I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."”
“Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.”
“How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has been dis-ing them anyhow?”
“Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?”
“If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?”
“Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery's dead?”
“Why are they called a-part-ments, when they're all stuck together?”
“Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?”
“Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?”
“Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?”