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Zach Braff

Zach Braff Quotes

Actor

Zach Braff, born on April 6, 1975, is an American actor. He gained widespread popularity for his role as Joshua Platt in the television series 'Parks and Recreation', and won the Independent Spirit Award for his lead role in the film 'Garden State'.

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Famous Zach Braff Quotes

“In a perfect world, everybody would be gay. I mean if everybody looked like Zach Braff, you just wouldn't be able to resist.”

Ifs World Mean Would Be Able Perfect Gay A Perfect World

Author:Zach Braff

“If nothing else, I'm making a movie that I'll enjoy.”

Author:Zach Braff

“First I took a crap on the hooker's chest, then I told her I'd pay her a thousand dollars to eat it. She was addicted to crack, so of course she did it. It was so gross, though, it made her throw up, so I said I'd pay her another thousand to lick all that up, too. She started to, but for some reason she started crying as she was doing it, saying, 'I went to college! I have a degree!' Oh man, it was hilarious. I don't know if it was technically sex because I just beat off on her face, but definitely one of my most intense orgasms.”

Ifs Knows Men Firsts Made Said Reason Faces Courses Sex Pay Cry College Thousand Degrees Beats Dollars Intense Cracks Chests Crap Gross

Author:Zach Braff

“If I could change anything about Garden State, it would be to cast somebody else for the female lead. Natalie just isn't really that good of an actress. Especially when compared to me. Just watch the two of us, it's light and dark. I am by far the better Jew.”

Ifs Two States Light Would Be Dark Watches Female Garden Casts Jew Actresses If I Could Light And Dark Two Of Us Garden State

Author:Zach Braff

“I wouldn't say I'm bigger than Jesus. If I had to guess, I'd say probably, yeah, but as far as I know, the bible is never clear on this.”

Ifs Knows Jesus Clear Bigger Yeah

Author:Zach Braff

“If God wanted women to be treated equally to men, he'd have given them penises.”

Ifs Men Wanted Given Treated

Author:Zach Braff

“I never go looking for child pornography, but I mean, if somebody sends me an email with some pictures, I'm not going to turn around and report them.”

Ifs Mean Children Turns Reports Email Pornography

Author:Zach Braff

“You always see actors complaining about being typecast and ruining their career. Really, I don't see the point in complaining. If the only role you can play well is a black dude, you're never going to get ahead in this town, and you should just accept it.”

Ifs Should Wells Play Actors Black Accepting Careers Roles Towns Complaining Get Ahead

Author:Zach Braff

“Well it's not that I HATE them, but honestly if I saw two homeless people begging for money, one white and one black, and I only had one quarter... Well I'd probably keep it actually.”

People Ifs Wells Two Hate Black White Saws I Hate Honestly Quarters Homeless Begging Homeless People

Author:Zach Braff

“I figure it this way - if a woman claims she didn't want me to fudge her, then you already know she's a liar. So what the hell's the point of a trial, y'know?”

Ifs Knows Way Want Hell Figures Claims Trials Liars Want Me Fudge

Author:Zach Braff

“Working on 'Scrubs' made me feel guilty because I realized that if I had decided to become an actual doctor, instead of just playing one, I could probably have found a cure to cancer within five years.”

Ifs Feels Years Made Found Five Decided Doctors Cancer I Realized Cures Guilty Five Years

Author:Zach Braff

“If a benevolent God exists, so does reincarnation. He wouldn't send me here just once.”

Ifs Doe Reincarnation Benevolent God Exists

Author:Zach Braff

“I've turned down a lot of proposed scripts for Scrubs episodes, mainly ones with AIDs patients. It sickens me, really. If you don't want AIDs, don't be a ice cream man. Or African. I'm neither and I'm fine.”

Ifs Men Want Fine Patient Scripts Aids Ice Episodes Cream Ice Cream Turned Down

Author:Zach Braff

“I mean, I know thousands of people died and everything, but if it happened today, there's just no excuse. They'd be much safer inside a movie theater watching one of my movies instead of burning alive in a collapsing skyscraper.”

People Ifs Knows Mean Today Alive Happened Died Theater Excuse Burning No Excuses Movie Theater Skyscraper

Author:Zach Braff

“If you're dumb enough to volunteer for the army, I don't see why we're supposed to feel so bad when you get shot. I'm not saying we should throw a party or anything, but is it such a tragedy? If I'd gotten shot before I made 'Garden State', yeah, that's a tragedy, but some red-state hick getting his legs blown off? Come on.”

Ifs Feels Should Made States Enough Party Shots Red Garden Tragedy Army Yeah Legs Dumb Volunteer Hicks Garden State

Author:Zach Braff

“People have always wondered what my opinion on Stevie Wonder is. I say if he's so great how come he can't see? I mean, God doesn't make mistakes, just look at me for example.”

People Ifs Looks Mean Mistake Wonder Opinion Example Making Mistakes Look At Me

Author:Zach Braff

“Sure, it was terrible and all, but you have to ask yourself: If the whole city was flooded, why couldn't they just swim to safety?”

Ifs Whole Asks Cities Terrible Safety Swim

Author:Zach Braff

“My dog has a cough. If you've never seen a dog with a cough, I recommend trying to find one. It's hilarious.”

Ifs Trying Dog My Dog

Author:Zach Braff

“If Democrats want to start winning elections in this country, they're going to have to start connecting with voters as well as I connect with my fans.”

Ifs Want Wells Country Winning Fans Election Democrat Voters Connecting Winning Elections

Author:Zach Braff

“In my opinion, one of the biggest drawbacks about Sergio Leone films are the scores composed by Ennio Morricone. If [Leone] were as talented as I am, he would have made mixtapes for his movies instead of letting some schmuck write the soundtracks for him. But then if he were as talented as I am, he'd be Zach Braff. And have his own Grammy.”

Ifs Writing Made Film Opinion Score Soundtracks Grammy Drawbacks Mixtapes Schmucks Sergio Leone

Author:Zach Braff

“If we've learned anything, it's that the combination of yellow smiley faces and blue polyester vests are irresistible to the inbred.”

Ifs Faces Blue Combination Yellow Irresistible Vests Smiley Smiley Face Inbreds

Author:Zach Braff

“The thing about hitting kids is, think about if you were doing the same thing to another adult. Hitting your kid is really the same as hitting your employee or wife, and the issue become pretty clear when you think about it that way.”

Ifs Thinking Way Kids Issues Clear Wife Adults Employee Hitting

Author:Zach Braff

“At first, I didn't really care if global warming existed. But then I realized it means that less bums would freeze to death in the winter”

Ifs Firsts Mean Care Winter I Realized Global Warming Freeze

Author:Zach Braff

“Probably the most memorable even of my life is when I was born. It really made me who I am. If I die, I hope to go out the same way I came in, but I don't think my mother would be into that.”

Ifs Thinking Way Made Would Be Life Is Mother Dies Born Who I Am Memorable Most Memorable

Author:Zach Braff

“I don't mind it if blacks want equal rights, as long as they mean rights equal to a dog”

Ifs Want Mind Mean Long Rights Dog Equal Equal Rights

Author:Zach Braff

“I never go easy on kids when I play board games. The sooner they learn what the consequence of entering a competition is, the better. If they win, I punch them in the face like any adult.”

Ifs Play Kids Faces Games Winning Easy Adults Consequence Competition Boards Entering Board Games

Author:Zach Braff

“You know, I think there should be a Zach Braff Day. We could have it on December 25th and then people can decide whether they want to celebrate me or Jesus. If you ask me, the choice is pretty obvious.”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Want Should Choices Asks Jesus Obvious Celebrate Ask Me December

Author:Zach Braff

“I mean, so what if it's a little dangerous? A one-armed kid is comedy gold.”

Ifs Mean Littles Kids Comedy Dangerous Gold What If

Author:Zach Braff

“Now, I'm not going to be misquoted on this like I have numerous times before, so I'll be quite clear. I've never said hitler was my hero, just that if he had focused on more than one race he would have had the right idea. Try to turn that one against me.”

Ifs Trying Said Ideas Turns Race Clear Hero Focused My Hero Right Ideas

Author:Zach Braff

“It's not terrible, I guess, but if Ricky Gervais was half as talented as me, maybe the show would actually be funny once in a while.”

Ifs Shows Half Terrible

Author:Zach Braff

“Eight gold medals? If I wanted I could make a movie about me winning nine gold medals. Now that's real power.”

Ifs Real Wanted Winning Gold Eight Nine Medal Gold Medals Real Power

Author:Zach Braff

“Of course I don't use my A-material, it doesn't matter if they think I'm funny or not because they won't be thinking anything pretty soon anyways, if you caych my drift.”

Ifs Thinking Matter Use Courses Materials

Author:Zach Braff

“I tried it a few times but didn't see the point. I'm Zach Braff. What the fudge do I need a team for besides holding me back and sucking? If I wanted that, I'd just walk on the set of 'Scrubs'.”

Ifs Needs Wanted Walks Team Fudge

Author:Zach Braff

“Over half a century on and they're still complaining about it. Compare it to the fact that Garden State didn't win an Oscar and they seem a little petty if you ask me. I guess that just goes to show what kind of people they really are.”

People Ifs Kind Littles Stills States Facts Shows Seems Asks Winning Half Century Garden Complaining Compare Ask Me Oscars Petty Half A Century Garden State

Author:Zach Braff

“At this point I feel like I could go out and accomplish anything. I'd just love to see Will Smith's face if he found out I, Z-Braff, have the number one rap album in the country. That'd show that no-talent uncle tom.”

Ifs Feels Country Shows Faces Found Numbers Talent Albums Accomplish Rap Toms Uncles Uncle Tom

Author:Zach Braff

“If John McCain were really a war hero he would've won Vietnam.”

Ifs War Hero Vietnam Mccain War Hero

Author:Zach Braff

“I think sports are very beneficial in the fight against obesity. I remember playing little league - I was the best person on the pitch by a long shot. It was only last weekend actually, I think I have some photos of it if you're interested.”

Ifs Thinking Littles Persons Long Lasts Remember Fighting Sports Shots League Weekend Beneficial Obesity Best Person Little League Long Shots

Author:Zach Braff

“Michael Eisner contacted me once and asked me if he could change the name of Disneyland to 'Braffland.' I said no, because whenever I go to Disneyland there's always fat people everywhere wearing tight clothes. Disneyland, frankly, has a lot of improving to do before it gets my namesake.”

People Ifs Said Names Clothes Fats Improving Disneyland Fat People Namesake Tight Clothes

Author:Zach Braff

“If we're going to solve the problems in North Korea, the first thing we're going to have to do is start helping them get basic amenities like electricity, televisions, and DVD players over there. Otherwise, how can they watch 'Garden State'?”

Ifs Firsts States Helping Problem Watches Player Television Garden Solve Electricity Korea North Korea Dvds Amenities Garden State

Author:Zach Braff

“If I had a billion dollars I would...oh wait...already do.”

Ifs Waiting Dollars Billions

Author:Zach Braff

“I don't think it's a black and white issue. If a man's family is starving so to speak, I don't think I'll hold it against him for stealing a loaf of bread.”

Ifs Thinking Men Speak Black White Issues Stealing Bread Black And White Starving

Author:Zach Braff

“I could be one if I wanted to, I'm just way too overqualified for a job that simple.”

Ifs Way Wanted Jobs Simple Overqualified

Author:Zach Braff

“They don't know I'm staring, what does it matter if I keep on doing it?”

Ifs Knows Doe Matter Staring Does It Matter

Author:Zach Braff

“If it were up to me, it'd be outlawed. I mean, come on. Zach Braff was born streamlined, and that's how it should stay!”

Ifs Should Mean Born

Author:Zach Braff

“Honestly, the only way Garden State could have been better was if I played every character. I'm awesome.”

Ifs Way Has Beens States Character Garden Honestly Could Have Been Garden State

Author:Zach Braff

“If global warming is such a bad thing, then why is it taking out all of mankind's competitors? It just seems to me that the less species are out there, killing all our Caribou, the better.”

Ifs Seems Mankind Species Killing Global Warming Bad Things Competitors

Author:Zach Braff

“She can't say no if she's unconscious.”

Ifs Unconscious

Author:Zach Braff

“People always say The God Father is the #1 movie of all time. But ask yourself, did you see Zach Braff in it....No you didn't. So then by default it goes to Garden State..and if youwatch two episodes of scrubs back to back that counts as the #2.”

People Ifs Two States Asks Father Garden All Time Episodes Default Garden State God Father

Author:Zach Braff

“If I wasn't an actor? Hmm, I'd probably be a serial killer. I'm just so damn likeable, no one would ever suspect me.”

Ifs Actors Damn Suspects Killers Serials Serial Killer Hmm Likeable

Author:Zach Braff

“In New York, we tip everyone. We tip doormen, we tip cab drivers, and we tip bartenders at the bar. You'll get quite an evil eye if you don't leave a tip at the bar.”

Ifs Eye Evil New York Bars Drivers Taxi Cab Bartender Evil Eye Cab Drivers

Author:Zach Braff

About the Author

Born: April 6, 1975
Known for: Actor
Quotes: 338

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