Best humor & ifs Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 6

“If you are feeling overly optimistic the Republican Candidates Debate is on.”

Ifs Feelings Humor Funny Republican Debate Optimistic Candidates

“If I'm having a fancy glass of champagne, I'll always mix it with the champagne of beers. Because I deserve all the champagnes.”

Ifs Humor Funny Deserve Glasses Beer Fancy Champagne

Author:Kristen Schaal

“When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"”

Ifs Knows Writing Littles Doe Play Humor Kids School Funny Pain Song Poet Adults Rhyme Sharks Love And Pain

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I thought, Hey, maybe these people shouldn't be making up holidays to drink more. Maybe if they drank less they might be able to title their newspaper articles more specifically. For example, I would title this last article "Drunk Driver Hits Drunk Walker Drunkety-Drunk I'm So Drunk."”

People Ifs Humor Might Able Funny Lasts Example Drink Newspapers Drunk Hey Titles Holiday Drivers Articles Drank Making Up Walkers

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.”

Ifs Thinking Men Stills Humor Funny Guy Causes Fine Workplace

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“They really cut to the chase in the urologist's examination room, and I tried to laugh. If this office were a movie, it would have been rated R.”

Ifs Has Beens Humor Funny Rooms Laughing Cutting Office Examination

Book:Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

Source: Sleepwalk with Me: and Other Painfully True Stories

“If Jesus had known that his image would end up on Justin Bieber's calf, he would've never started Christianity.”

Ifs Ends Humor Funny Jesus Known Christianity Justin Calves

Author:Natasha Leggero

“Yeah? Rock 'n' Roll is fast, you know. If all goes according to plan I could be in rehab next thursday. Tuesday week I'll be living on an island with a small Indian boy.”

Ifs Knows Humor Funny Next Boys Plans Week Rocks Yeah Indian Islands Rock N Roll Living On Tuesday Rehab Thursday According To Plan

Author:Noel Fielding

“They call me the confuser. Is he a man... is he a woman? Ooh, I'm not sure if I mind.”

Ifs Men Mind Humor Funny Not Sure Call Me

Author:Noel Fielding

“Kids did really well in their A levels, how do we respond? 'A Levels are getting easier, in my day you had to do fifty questions in a minute, if you got one wrong, they killed your dad!”

Ifs Wells Humor Kids Funny Levels Minutes Dad Easier Fifty Your Dad

Author:Russell Howard

“'Understanding' art is like having a sense of humour - if you don't have one, no amount of explanation is going to make you laugh.”

Ifs Art Humor Understanding Laughing Humour Amount Laughter Art Is Painter Explanation Sense Of Humor Make You Laugh Lack Of Understanding Art Appreciation

Author:Michael Craig-Martin

“In spite of a heavy disguise, a few days' growth on my face, dark glasses, a beret and one of William's jackets that fitted me not at all, as I emerged from a hotel in Lecce, a young fisherman pointed me out to his friends and said "Lavrenche Olivaire." It was not all that amazing; if you're not known in Italy, you're not known anywhere.”

Ifs Said Humor Funny Faces Young Growth Dark Known Glasses Heavy Spite Hotel Italian Disguise Jackets Fisherman Dark Glasses

Author:Laurence Olivier

“FREEDLEY: Will I feel better after I take it? DR. FITCH (coldly): I, am a physician, Freedley, not an astrologer. If you want a horoscope, there's a gypsy tearoom over on Lexington Avenue.”

Ifs Want Feels Humor Funny Medicine Feel Better Physicians Drs Avenues Gypsy Horoscopes Lexington

Author:S. J. Perelman

“Disney Resort and World and Compound, a place where your dreams really do come true, if you dream about having people wearing enormous cartoon-animal heads come around to your restaurant table and act whimsical and refuse to go away until you laugh with delight.”

People Ifs World Dream Humor Funny Animal Laughing Tables Delight Refuse Enormous Your Dreams Restaurants Going Away Cartoon Resorts Compounds Whimsical

Book:Dave Barry Talks Back

Source: Dave Barry Talks Back

“You can't have a bad time at Disney World. It's not allowed. They have hidden electronic surveillance cameras everywhere, and if they catch you failing to laugh with childlike wonder, they lock you inside a costume representing a beloved Disney character such as Goofy and make you walk about in the Florida heat getting grabbed and leaped on by violently excited children until you have learned your lesson.”

Source: Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

“The best time to go to Disney World, if you want to avoid huge crowds, is 1962.”

Ifs World Want Humor Funny Huge Crowds Best Times

Author:Dave Barry

“Epcot Center also features pavilions built by various foreign nations, where you can experience an extremely realistic simulation of what life in these nations would be like if they consisted almost entirely of restaurants and souvenir stores.”

Ifs Humor Would Be Funny Nations Built Various Stores Features Restaurants Realistic Simulation Souvenirs Epcot

Book:Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

Source: Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need

“If Disney still wants to make Epcot Center futuristic, they could do so by blowing the place up with an atom bomb.”

Ifs Want Stills Humor Funny Bombs Atoms Futuristic Atom Bomb Epcot

Author:P. J. O'Rourke

“Just because a baby cries, I discovered, doesn't mean there's always something wrong. Sometimes babies wake up for no real reason. They just want to check if they're doing it right. "This is Sleeping, right?" "Exactly." "I just lie here?" "That's right." "Okay." Then back to sleep they go.”

Ifs Want Mean Children Real Sometimes Reason Humor Funny Lying Sleep Cry Baby Okay Wake Up Checks

Author:Paul Reiser

“Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity. If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick”

Ifs Life Real Home Humor Running Wanted Funny House Energy Cooks Ran Electricity Static Balloons Sweaters Blenders

Author:Steven Wright

“I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said 'I don't know'. I said 'I don't want your job'.”

Ifs Knows Want Doe Said Book Humor Light Happens Funny Jobs Guy Turns Reading Asks Let Me Speed Things Happen Interviews Turn-on Spaceships Speed Of Light Job Interview Headlights

Author:Steven Wright

“I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...”

Ifs Humor Funny Moving Next Week Boxes Mars Next Week

Author:Steven Wright

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