Best humor & ifs Quotes | Short & Famous Sayings Page 5

“Come on, if you don't win tonight it doesn't mean you're not a good person, it just means you're not a good actor.”

Ifs Mean Persons Humor Funny Actors Winning Tonight Good Person Good Actors

“What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!”

Ifs Whole Shows Humor Funny Choices Doors Wall Sitting Train Prize Locked Multiple Toilets Slides Anything Goes Quiz Multiple Choice Unveiling Quiz Show

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?”

Ifs Humor Funny Faces Bed Transplants Threesome

Author:Frankie Boyle

“The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.”

Ifs Long Humor Funny Bits Realizing Rate Average Expectancy Glasgow Life Expectancy Average Life

Author:Frankie Boyle

“I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.”

Ifs Thinking I Can Done Helping Humor Funny New York Driven Damage Squares Bombers Toyota Times Square

Author:Frankie Boyle

“You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."”

Ifs Looks Two Humor Funny Turns Steps Tvs Work Out Gym Going To Work Watching Tv Remote Control

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“I see some people with glasses here, I trust people with glasses, don't you? But if you're wearing your glasses like this ... "Get away from 'em!"”

People Ifs Humor Funny Glasses Ems Get Away

Author:Jim Gaffigan

“If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?”

Ifs Humor Funny Swimmer Stupid Questions Dumb Questions

Author:George Carlin

“The way I figure it, if you can't tell I'm high by looking at me, I win.”

Ifs Way Humor Funny Winning Figures

Author:Marc Maron

“They are not testing comics for drugs. If our job is dependent on that, there would be three working comics in the country, and two of them would have puppets.”

Ifs Two Country Humor Would Be Funny Jobs Three Drug Dependent Testing Puppets

Author:Marc Maron

“I immediately went out and bought a book on anger management. And now I have that book, and I don't know if I'll get to the book. But I'm certainly excited about the day where I can't find the book, and I get to say, 'Where the hell is my anger management book?!'”

Ifs Knows I Can Book Humor Funny Hell Management Excited Anger Management

Author:Marc Maron

“I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way - I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once - I'm still winning.”

“A lot of people think that Jesus is coming back. That's fine, it's your right. But you know, I live in New York, and I think he's running a little late. I'm asking myself, 'Alright, what happens if Jesus comes back tomorrow? What - does he make rounds to churches?' 'OK, everyone who's been good, buses leave in 10 minutes. I'll meet you in front of the post office. I gotta go. Oh, don't tell the Jews I'm back.'”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Littles Doe Humor Happens Running Funny Jesus Church Minutes Fronts New York Fine Tomorrow Office Late Asking Rounds Jew Posts Bus Coming Back Alright Post Office I'm Back

Author:Marc Maron

“Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.”

Ifs Needs Feels Ideas Humor Funny Hours Doctors Setting Settings Diamond

Author:Rita Rudner

“I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."”

Ifs Men Humor Funny Waiting Ice If I Could Lakes Old Man Skating Ice Skating

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said "No, one drag is enough".”

Ifs Said Enough Humor Funny Sex Enjoy Wife My Wife Drag Cigarette

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“Strippers should be role-models for little girls. If only for the fact that they wax their assholes.”

Ifs Should Littles Facts Humor Funny Girl Roles Models Role Models

Author:Sarah Silverman

“If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.”

Ifs Enough Philosophy Facts Humor School Funny Remember Forget Study Screws Forget It Rest Of Your Life Geology Screw You

Author:Steve Martin

“Now did you know if a stick insect laid it's eggs in a jar of Bovril it will give birth to a litter of twiglets.”

Ifs Knows Giving Humor Funny Birth Sticks Eggs Insects Jars Did You Know

Author:Tim Vine

“My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?" I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."”

Ifs Thinking Said Humor Funny Paid Mates

Author:Tim Vine

“If these two are tired of having sex with each other, what hope is there for the rest of us?”

Ifs Two Humor Funny Sex Tired Having Sex

Author:Tina Fey

“In an interview, Paris Hilton said that of her and her sister, "People love to hate us. But when you know us, you love us. And if you really get to know us, you get gonorrhea."”

People Ifs Knows Said Humor Funny Hate Paris Interviews Love Hate Gonorrhea

Author:Tina Fey

“A recent study announced that 52 per cent of all teens who sign virginity pledges recant them within twelve months. If I'm on my game.”

Ifs Humor Funny Games Study Months Twelve Cents Teens Pledge Virginity

Author:Tina Fey

“It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'”

Ifs Said Home Humor Funny Games Winning New York Worth It Magician Not Worth It Knicks

Author:Tina Fey

“You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.”

People Ifs Knows I Can Humor Funny Know How Gay Fats Cerebral Cerebral Palsy

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“If you are tuning in just for the show, you're going to be sorely disappointed.”

Ifs Shows Humor Funny Disappointed Tuning

Author:Adam Carolla

“If you look at a group of people that had faith, it's got to be the Jews. They followed Moses through the desert for 40 years with no map. There had to be one guy in the back, like, 'I don't think he knows where he's going.'”

People Ifs Thinking Knows Years Looks Humor Funny Guy Groups Jew Desert Maps Moses

Author:Adam Ferrara

“I am a Catholic. Basically, the Catholic religion is 'If it feels good - stop.'”

Ifs Feels Humor Funny Catholic Feel Good Catholic Religion

Author:Adam Ferrara

“Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.”

Ifs Humor Funny Differences Streets Wall Cancer Not Sure

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.”

Ifs Hard Humor Funny Found Mom Golf My Mom Be Good Hard Times Breasts Having A Hard Time

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'”

Ifs Thinking Want Said Humor Funny Lasts Months Couple Mad Girlfriend Fancy My Girlfriend Lingerie

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I might have tried bungee jumping, until I saw that video of that guy whose cord came untied. He didn't know it 'till he hit the ground. Oh, he flew off that tower, hollering at his buddies. "Whoo, check me out, dudes! Oh, that ground is coming up..." WHAM! And what do you say, if you're the operator of that ride, to the next guy in line? "All right dude, you're up."”

Ifs Knows Humor Might Funny Guy Next Lines Saws Checks Video Towers Jumping Buddy Flew That Guy Cords Operators Bungee Jumping Bungee

Author:Bill Engvall

“This guy from L.A. sits down next to me, and he says "you like baseball?" I said, "Oh, man, I love baseball." So he goes "Did you know that if Jesus had played ball, he'd have been the greatest ball player ever?" Like I'm gonna argue with that logic. So I sat there for a second, and then I said "did you know that if Babe Ruth had been the Messiah, the Catholics would have beer and hot dogs at Communion?" He left.”

“I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn't even have attempted it.”

Ifs Giving Mind Humor Funny Morning Give Me Get Up Stairs Landing

Author:Chic Murray

“I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.”

Ifs Ideas Humor Funny Sky Walking Moon Fellows Stranger Evening No Idea

Author:Chic Murray

“I don't like the whole blowing the candles out ritual... blowing their germs all over the cake. If I want to catch something on my birthday. I don't want it to be from the cake. If you know what I'm saying.”

Ifs Knows Want Whole Humor Funny Ritual Cake Candle Germs My Birthday

Author:Craig Ferguson

“If you're frightened of leprechauns, the best thing to do is to get yourself a little leprechaun outfit and see how big they are. And then you'll go, 'Well I see. That's like bein' frightened of a hampster.'”

Ifs Wells Littles Humor Bigs Funny Best Things Things To Do Frightened Leprechaun

Author:Craig Ferguson

“If it doesn't work, at least it will be an interesting train wreck.”

Ifs Humor Funny Interesting Train Wrecks Train Wrecks

Author:Craig Ferguson

“Then people ask me if I'm worried about the effects of global warming on my kids. Well, obviously I love my kids and I want them to live to be a 100. So that's another 1.8. My kids' kids? Three point six. I'll just tell them we moved to Phoenix.”

People Ifs Want Wells Humor Kids Funny Three Asks Effects Degrees Six Moved Worried Ask Me Global Warming Phoenix I Love My Kids Love My Kids

Author:Dennis Miller

“When asked in his late 90s if his doctor knew he still smoked, Burns said, 'No ... he's dead.'”

Ifs Said Stills Humor Funny Late Doctors

Author:George Burns

“In those days the best painkiller was ice; it wasn't addictive and it was particularly effective if you poured some whiskey over it.”

Ifs Humor Funny Ice Over It Whiskey Painkillers

Book:Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed

Source: Gracie/Caeser Spec Ed

“Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.”

Ifs Knows Humor Funny Church Score Sunday Priests Raiders

Author:George Lopez

“For the record, I hate skiing... and if you get killed doing it, GOOD.”

Ifs Humor Funny Hate Records I Hate Skiing Good Fun

Author:Jim Norton

“No periods. If you sneeze, the carpet's ruined.”

Ifs Humor Funny Periods Ruined Carpet

Author:Jim Norton

“If your pussy was so good, you would drive a better car.”

Ifs Humor Funny Car Pussy

Author:Katt Williams

“You can't even go to Heaven if you get killed by Spinach, you can't even go. You don't even know what to tell Jesus. You Just 'You know what Jesus, I did have a salad, I really Did I- I Didn't know what I was thinking about.”

Ifs Thinking Knows Humor Funny Jesus Heaven Salad Spinach

Author:Katt Williams

“My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.”

Ifs Whole Humor Funny Names Waiting Please Toms Pimp

Author:Katt Williams

“Hello?... No I'm sorry no Shaquita here. Well what number did you dial?.. No it's a nine not a seven... Well try it if it doest work call me back we'll figure this thing out.”

Ifs Trying Wells Humor Funny Numbers Figures Seven Sorry Nine Call Me I'm Sorry Hello

Author:Katt Williams

“I mean if you two were to make love, that would be gay. Two men touching each other physically and emotionally...erotically caressing each other...on the hood of a car...or the back of a movie theater.”

Ifs Men Mean Two Humor Would Be Funny Car Gay Theater Touching Making Love Hood Movie Theater

Author:Kristen Schaal

“If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he be a werewolf permanently?”

Ifs Humor Funny Moon Werewolf

Author:Kristen Schaal

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