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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.”

Humor Funny Lost Cases Policemen

Author:Spike Milligan

“Scripture says: "Blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted." I call on every American family and the family of America to observe a National Day of Prayer and Remembrance, honoring the memory of the thousands of victims of these brutal attacks and comforting those who lost loved ones. We will persevere through this national tragedy and personal loss. In time, we will find healing and recovery; and, in the face of all this evil, we remain strong and united, "one Nation under God."”

“Liberty, like chastity, once lost, can never be regained in its original purity.”

Humor Lost Liberty Integrity Originals Purity Chastity

Author:Josh Billings

“I actually wrestled in high school. I was only in one match, and I lost... my virginity.”

Humor School Funny Lost High School Virginity

Author:Bo Burnham

“Freud's theory was that when a joke opens a window and all those bats and bogeymen fly out, you get a marvellous feeling of relief and elation. The trouble with Freud is that he never had to play the old Glasgow Empire on a Saturday night after Rangers and Celtic had both lost.”

Play Feelings Humor Funny Night Lost Trouble Theory Jokes Window Relief Empires Bats Saturday Saturday Night Rangers Marvellous Celtic Elation Glasgow

Author:Ken Dodd

“I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.”

Humor Funny Lost Felt Comedy Sticks Mortality Bubbles Flavor Pondering Gum Carefree

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."”

Knows Mind Humor Funny Guy Lost Crazy Mouths Sane That Guy Straws

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“I had a Velcro wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.”

Humor Funny Lost Sound Hell Addiction Annoyed Wallets Casinos Lost Money Velcro

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"”

Ifs Wells Humor Funny House Lost Woods Finding Yourself Lost In The Woods

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“George Hendrick simply lost that sun-blown pop-up.”

Humor Funny Lost Sun Baseball Pops

Author:Jerry Coleman

“It used to be cars had cool names: Dart, Hawk, Fury, Cougar, Firebird, Hornet, Mustang, Barracuda. Now we have Elantra, Altima, Acura, Lumina, Sentra, Corolla, Maxima, Tercel. Further proof that America has lost its edge.”

Humor Funny America Used Names Lost Car Edges Proof Used To Be Fury Hawks Mustang Cougars Hornets

Author:George Carlin

“The reason we'd stopped was that the buffet car was on fire, that was the reason we stopped. One of the giant biscuits spontaneously combusted out of boredom. Whoever was charged with making the announcement momentarily lost all sense of procedure and we got this tantalizing glimpse into the chaos on the trains, and all we could hear was (bangs on microphone) "Gary, it's burning, what we gonna do?!" And everyone on the carriage just cheered, "Hooray! We're rubbish!"”

Reason Humor Funny Lost Fire Car Train Chaos Burning Giants Boredom Glimpse Bangs Procedures Rubbish Microphones Buffets Gary Carriages Announcements Biscuits Tantalizing

Author:Bill Bailey

“Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: "I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing."”

Feels Looks Important Self Humor Funny Guy Lost Months Discipline Important Things Seven Fats Feel Good Pounds Coming Out Self Discipline Hostage Lebanon I Feel Good Seven Months

Author:Denis Leary

“I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying "I don't want to bore you with the details".”

Want Humor Funny Jobs Lost Details Bores Cricket Commentators Bores You

Author:Milton Jones

“I took my father on a coach trip last summer.We were halfway there when the driver lost control of the coach, it flew down a hill around a bend and crashed through a brick wall. I wasn't hurt but luckily my father had the presence of mind to kick my head in.”

Mind Humor Funny Lasts Father Lost Hurt Wall Summer Coaches Hills Kicks Drivers Bricks Halfway Flew Brick Wall Last Summer Presence Of Mind Halfway There

Author:Chic Murray

“I lost my virginity under a bridge. I was having sex with this poor girl and I was trying my best, but I was like Scotland at a World Cup - just pleased to be there.”

World Trying Humor Funny Girl Lost Sex Poor Cups Bridges Scotland Virginity World Cup Having Sex

Author:Russell Howard

“I was never ruined but twice: once when I lost a lawsuit, and once when I won one.”

Humor Funny Law Lost Lawyer Ruined Lawsuit

Author:Voltaire