“If you have wit, use it to please and not to hurt: you may shine like the sun in the temperate zones without scorching.” IfsMayUseHumorHurtSunPleaseShiningWitZoneScorching Book:Lord Chesterfield's Letters Source: Lord Chesterfield's Letters
“Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.” PeopleKnowsShowsHumorFunnyLastsNightComedyPleaseLast NightNight Time Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” MenLoveInspirationalShouldIdeasHumorFunnyUsedHumanityWomenAnimalDogPleaseCatPetRelaxMy DogKittenAnniversaryCanineDog LoverHuman AnimalDog TrainingPoodlesHumans And AnimalsPuppy DogKittiesCat And DogPet DogDog LoveDog RescueGreat DogFelinePoodle DogsFunny CatPuppies And DogsCute DogGreat PetMan And DogFunny DogInspirational DogPurringCat DogTwo DogsI Love My DogPurring CatsFunny PuppyCat LoverCat LoveStranger In A Strange LandShort DogPuppies And LoveFaithful DogsInspirational CatDog HeavenHeaven And DogsCute CatLoving DogStray DogsRescue CatsPet NamesStray Cats Author:Robert A. Heinlein
“The only way I could get my old CD into stores is if I took one in and leave it. "Sir, you forgot this." "No, I did not. That is for sale. Please alphabetize it."” IfsWayHumorFunnyPleaseStoresCds Author:Mitch Hedberg
“Mr. Speaker. I said the honorable member was a liar it is true and I am sorry for it. The honorable member may place the punctuation where he pleases.” MaySaidHumorFunnyPleaseMembersSorryLiarsSpeakersHonorablePunctuationI Am SorryAm Sorry Author:Richard Brinsley Sheridan
“This was my attempt to deter cold callers: "There's no past, there's no future, just one pulsating present... Please leave your message after the tone."” HumorFunnyPastColdPleaseMessagesToneJust One Author:Bill Bailey
“I'm gay for Jesus, fill me with your grace. Pour your love all over me, but please aim away from my face.” HumorFunnyFacesJesusGracePleaseGayAim Author:Bo Burnham
“There are two types of wine essentially, and everybody knows this. There's the one where you drink it and go, "Mmmm, well that's ok, can we get 8 of those please, give us 8 of those." There's the other one, you know, where you go "Ga... bt... Jesus, WHAT is that?" Very, very occasionally I concede you will hit a subtle one. You know, where you go "Ga... ba... ah, actually that's not that bad, that is. It's quite nice."” KnowsGivingWellsTwoHumorFunnyJesusNiceTypeDrinkPleaseWineSubtle Author:Dylan Moran
“My name is "A Pimp named Slickback" Wait... A Pimp?? ... Named Slickback. Yes, please say the whole thing if you would. Yes, that includs the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes Tom, everytime.” IfsWholeHumorFunnyNamesWaitingPleaseTomsPimp Author:Katt Williams