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Humor Quotes

Browse 16077 quotes about Humor.

Humor Quotes

“Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to - I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that.”

Thinking I Can Humor Running Able Remember Political Dog Speech Political Humor Inaugural Inaugural Speech

Author:George W. Bush

“I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember.”

Thinking Humor Remember Political Debate Political Humor

Author:George W. Bush

“The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.”

Enough Humor Funny Lasts Remember Next Novel Paper Six Last Time Next Time Spain Toilets Archer Toilet Paper

Author:Bob Monkhouse

“I pulled the boy close to me and said you see that girl, thats my only lil girl. So if you think about huggin or kissin. Remember these words. I aint afraid to go back to prison.”

Ifs Thinking Said Humor Funny Remember Girl Boys Dating Prison That Girl Funny Dating

Author:Bill Engvall

“Remember that the wit, humour, and jokes of most mixed companies are local. They thrive in that particular soil, but will not often bear transplanting.”

Humor Funny Remember Company Humour Particular Bears Jokes Wit Locals Soil Thrive

Book:Lord Chesterfield's Letters

Source: Lord Chesterfield's Letters

“I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.”

Humor Funny Remember Used Comedy Hot Yeah Used To Be

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"”

Years I Can Humor Care Funny Remember Imagine Happened Seeds Blank Buns

Author:Mitch Hedberg

“New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.”

Way Humor Funny Remember Fall New York Civilization Falling Apart

Author:David Letterman

“... some of the best sex I can barely remember.”

I Can Humor Funny Remember Sex

Book:My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

Source: My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands

“I love it when mothers get so mad they can't remember your name. "Come here, Roy, er, Rupert, er, Rutabaga... what is your name, boy? And don't lie to me, because you live here, and I'll find out who you are."”

Humor Funny Remember Lying Mother Names Boys Mad Who You Are Don't Lie Lie To Me Don't Lie To Me

Author:Bill Cosby

“"And tired" always followed sick. Worst beating I ever got in my life, my mother said, "I am just sick..." And I said, "And tired." I don't remember anything after that.”

Said Humor Funny Remember Mother Worst Sick Tired

Author:Bill Cosby

“Remember when we was young, everybody used to have these arguments about who's better, Michael Jackson or Prince? Prince won!”

Humor Funny Remember Young Used Argument Remember When

Author:Chris Rock

“That should be the anti-speeding advert. It should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.”

Thinking Should Trying Humor Funny Remember Speeding Wedding Day Adverts

Author:Frankie Boyle

“Do ya remember the first time you had sex? I do, and boy, was I scared! I was alone!”

Firsts Humor Funny Remember Sex Boys First Time Scared

Author:Rodney Dangerfield

“If you're studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.”

Ifs Enough Philosophy Facts Humor School Funny Remember Forget Study Screws Forget It Rest Of Your Life Geology Screw You

Author:Steve Martin

“So I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, it's P something T something R.”

I Can Humor Today Funny Remember Names Mets Blokes Crosswords

Author:Tim Vine

“Do you remember that kid that had sex with his high school teacher? I was reading online that he died today. He died from hi-fiveing.”

Humor Kids Today School Funny Remember Reading Sex Teacher High School Died Online School Teachers High School Teachers

Author:Zach Galifianakis

“As we're staggering out of the hospital, I don't remember doing this because I was still high, but apparently I turned to the entire operating room staff and screamed "Hey! I'd better not see this on YouTube!"”

Stills Humor Funny Remember Rooms Hey Hospitals Staff Youtube Staggering Operating Room

Author:Bill Engvall

“I can remember when safe sex meant a padded headboard.”

I Can Humor Funny Remember Sex Safe Remember When

Author:Bob Monkhouse

“Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.”

Firsts Humor Funny Remember Sin Rocks Casts

Author:Dave Chappelle

“And finally, and most importantly, the next time we go to war, don't give a specific reason for the war that the left can seize upon and later flog us with it ad nauseam, just do it. Remember, the first rule of Fight Club is that you don't talk about Fight Club.”

Giving Firsts War Reason Humor Funny Remember Fighting Next Left Clubs Ads Next Time Just Do It

Author:Dennis Miller