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Jokes Quotes

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Jokes Quotes

“It's fairly obvious, since Richard Nixon, that there is no such thing as a fair deal for any voter in the United States -- You're just not gonna get it. It's a joke -- the people that you vote for, they're the next best thing to criminals. But of course they have money for advertising campaigns that make them look a little bit better than they actually are.”

People Looks Littles States Courses Next Bits United Deals United States Little Bit Jokes Fairs Vote Obvious Criminals Campaigns Advertising Best Things Voters

Author:Frank Zappa

“It’s the strangest thing about this church - it is obsessed with sex, absolutely obsessed. Now they will say we, with our permissive society and rude jokes, are obsessed. No, we have a healthy attitude. We like it, it’s fun, it’s jolly; because it’s a primary impulse it can be dangerous and dark and difficult. It’s a bit like food in that respect, only even more exciting. The only people who are obsessed with food are anorexics and the morbidly obese, and that in erotic terms is the Catholic church in a nutshell.”

People Fun Sex Bits Difficult Term Church Dark Attitude Dangerous Healthy Jokes Exciting Catholic Primaries Impulse Obsessed Rude Erotic Catholic Church Jolly Obese Anorexics

Author:Stephen Fry

“I once played the chief part in a rather exciting business without ever once budging from London . And the joke of it was that the man who went out to look for adventure only saw a bit of the game, and I who sat in my chambers saw it all and pulled the strings. 'They also serve who only stand and wait,' you know.”

Knows Men Looks Games Bits Waiting Saws He Man Adventure Jokes Exciting London Chiefs Sat Strings Chamber

Book:The Complete Works of John Buchan (Unabridged): Thriller Classics, Spy Novels, Supernatural Tales, Short Stories, Poetry, Historical Works, The Great War Writings, Essays, Biographies & Memoirs – All in One Volume

Source: The Complete Works of John Buchan (Unabridged): Thriller Classics, Spy Novels, Supernatural Tales, Short Stories, Poetry, Historical Works, The Great War Writings, Essays, Biographies & Memoirs – All in One Volume

“I recently did the David Letterman Show about my book. He was very serious and made no jokes and it caught me off guard a little bit. He was much more serious than some of the joke shows that journalists get on.”

Littles Made Book Shows Literature Bits Serious Little Bit Jokes Caught Journalist Letterman

Author:Bob Woodward

“Comedy is a wonderful device for distance that allows us to look at what we're talking about with some degree of distance and hopefully with a bit more perspective and honesty. With many exceptions, a movie with no jokes is far less appealing to me.”

Looks Bits Talking Comedy Wonderful Honesty Perspective Degrees Jokes Distance Hopefully Exception Devices

Author:Alexander Payne

“Stand-up life is really hard. At one point, I got so paralyzed I could write five screenplays before I could write three jokes for stand-up. Later, I've finally allowed myself to relax quite a bit, to think I can do it because I've done it in the past. The pressure to come up with the material is the same but the anxiety about whether I can do it is gone.”

Thinking Writing I Can Hard Done Past Life Is Three Bits Can Do Gone Five Materials Anxiety Jokes Pressure Come Up Relax Screenplays I Can Do It Paralyzed

Author:Steve Martin

“Half the battle is that people have to like you before you say one joke, one bit of humor.”

People Bits Half Like You Battle Jokes

Author:Don Rickles

“I try my jokes onstage. The only way to really find out if something is going to work is to try it on stage, and I try to be careful and bookend something new with a strong bit before and a strong bit afterwards. But it's fun to run on virgin snow. I like that feeling onstage of creating new footprints and not knowing what's going to happen.”

Ifs Way Trying Feelings Happens Running Strong Fun Bits Knowing Stage Creating Jokes Careful Snow Something New Be Careful Not Knowing Virgins Going To Work Footprint Bookends

Author:Brian Regan

“I really like the animated film process. It's kind of like doing a play, because you can experiment with it, rewrite it, screen it, go back, then work on it a little bit more. If the joke doesn't work, you can fix it. It's different from a live action movie.”

Ifs Kind Littles Different Play Action Film Bits Process Little Bit Jokes Screens Experiments Animated Action Movie Animated Films

Author:Steve Martin

“There's two types of hecklers. If someone says something really funny it's normally them heckling as part of the show. They're trying to add onto one of your jokes. If someone says something really funny, I've never seen a comedian abuse them, you always sort of tip your hat a little bit if they nail it.”

Ifs Trying Littles Two Shows Bits Type Little Bit Jokes Abuse Add Comedian Hats Nails Hecklers Heckling

Author:Jim Jefferies

“If you give a little credit to the concept of the artist, I think you ought to indulge excesses a bit, because that reflects the personality of the writer. Now if a joke is in bad taste or it's not funny, okay, that's awhole different thing, but how you craft a joke is really what the writer's job is, and I don't think that technique should be subject to any editorial constraints.”

“Sometimes when my fans come up to me, they think it's going to be entertaining, like I'm going to tell jokes or do bits, and then instead of that I end up talking about really mundane things with my fans, and then they're kind of like, "This is boring. I want to go talk to somebody else." I think I bore my fans to death by over-talking to them.”

Thinking Want Kind Ends Sometimes Bits Talking Fans Jokes Come Up Boring Entertaining Bores Mundane

Author:Mike Birbiglia

“I think the jokes would have been a bit broader and a bit more obvious in terms of the day-to-day of country life.”

Thinking Has Beens Country Bits Term Jokes Obvious Day To Day Country Life

Author:Simon Pegg

“A lot of people who look at my photographs think it is an easy joke, but it does take a bit of thinking about.”

People Thinking Looks Doe Easy Bits Jokes Photograph

Author:Alison Jackson

“I started to make harder jokes before anyone else did. And the producers would get anxious. They'd say, 'That's a little bit hard-edged, isn't it?' And I'd say, 'Let's just try it and see how the audience reacts. If they don't like it, let's cut it out.' And the audience roared with laughter, so I learned you could do this harder humor and people loved it.”

People Ifs Trying Littles Hard Bits Audience Cutting Little Bit Laughter Jokes Harder Producers Anxious

Author:John Cleese

“I think the nerves aspect is a bit of a joke. How hard can it be to walk up and down in a straight line? You just need to put one step in front of another, most people do it all the time. What's the worst that can happen? You fall over. Sometimes that happens to non-models too, it wouldn't be the end of the world.”

People Thinking World Needs Ends Sometimes Hard Happens Fall Bits Lines Walks Steps Worst Fronts Models Jokes Aspect Nerves End Of The World Up And Down Straight Lines

Author:Edie Campbell

“I love dark humor. I love things that are so grounded in life, but just happen to be just a little bit twisted because my sense of humor is a little bit twisted. I love jokes that shouldn't be funny, but are. Those types of things just really make me laugh.”

Littles Happens Bits Dark Laughing Type Little Bit Jokes Sense Of Humor Grounded Twisted Dark Humor Make Me Laugh

Author:Rockmond Dunbar

“Sometimes I use my jokes as building blocks for larger bits. I like to draw and play music, so sometimes I do those things along with the jokes.”

Sometimes Play Use Bits Building Draws Jokes Block Building Blocks

Author:Demetri Martin

“I'm not allowed to make a joke. It is a bit unfair how I'm treated. I thought it was a joke. I got calls and messages. I would rather not to have to worry about things like that. It is disappointing.”

Bits Worry Messages Jokes Treated Unfair Disappointing

Author:Andy Murray

“A lot of people are actually surprised when I do open up my mouth and smile a little bit, and crack a joke and drink a beer.”

People Littles Bits Drink Little Bit Jokes Mouths Beer Cracks

Author:Tim Kang

“I think a theater show is a pure version of me doing my material. The theater crowd is a bit more polite, there really aren't hecklers, and there are a lot of people there to see me, and they're excited about the jokes and hanging out with me for a show.”

People Thinking Shows Bits Materials Pure Jokes Theater Crowds Excited Versions Hanging Out Polite Hecklers

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Some comics don't like it when people talk during the set, and it does get a little bit annoying after awhile, but I basically let people dictate what jokes I'm going to do.”

People Littles Doe Bits Little Bit Jokes Annoying

Author:Gabriel Iglesias

“When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that's the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.”

Knows World Should Littles Bits Differences Audience Rocks Stage Little Bit Jokes Where You Are

Author:Iliza Shlesinger

“I've had jokes stolen a thousand times. But if you can do it better than me, you can have it. I've had jokes stolen from me in the club when I'm next on stage. And my brain will start to turn, and the gears will start turning, and I'll go onstage and create a whole new bit.”

Ifs Whole Turns Next Bits Can Do Brain Stage Thousand Jokes Clubs You Can Do It Stolen Gears

Author:J. B. Smoove

“When you're on stage performing stand-up, things only happen one time. I've done bits where I improv a joke, and people are dying. The next show, I try to repeat it, I can't do it. Because with the first audience that was our moment. It can't happen the same way again. We were all there: a certain type of people were at that show and we all got it.”

People Way Trying Firsts I Can Done Moments Shows Happens Certain Next Bits Audience Stage Dying Type Jokes Performing Repeats One Time

Author:J. B. Smoove

“Love's a weird one, isn't it? I've never told my husband Graham that I love him. He's never told me either. I think it started as a bit of a joke. We just decided never to say it.”

Thinking Bits Husband Jokes Decided My Husband I Love Him

Author:Sarah Beeny

“I was a bit scared because I came from the acting world. There was a fear that people would think of me kind of as a joke. But really, people think of me as a country artist who can act. That's my favorite compliment.”

People Thinking World Kind Country Artist Bits Acting Jokes My Favorite Scared Compliment Think Of Me Country Artist

Author:Jana Kramer

“I did it a little bit in college, but now I've been doing it more. But yeah, it's not, I think you can definitely have a sense of humour about it. Like a lot of the time I'll finish my set with 'Sandstorm' by Darude - do you know that song? That's a funny song. People also go apeshit when you play it. But at the same time, it's not like the whole thing is a joke.”

People Thinking Knows Littles Play Whole Song Bits College Humour Little Bit Jokes Yeah Do You Know Sandstorms Funny Song

Author:Chris Baio

“My mom was my English teacher in high school. So to be able to bend the rules and be the class clown and get to take on my religion, my mom, and my town all at the same time was glorious. I think the desire to be funny was a mixture of wanting to be liked but also wanting to throw your elbows a bit. If you're cracking a joke in school, it's sort of anti-authority, but it's in the nicest, "Please like me!" way.”

Ifs Thinking Way Able School Desire Bits Class Teacher Mom Please Authority Jokes High School Towns My Mom Like Me Glorious Clown Mixtures Elbows English Teacher

Author:Paul Rust

“When someone new comes on and has their first nude scene - and even if it's not full nudity - it's always a weird, awkward setup. We have these famous merkins which are sort of toupees for your delicate areas to make it look like you're naked but cover you up a little bit. But we joke around a little bit with the newbies who are trying that stuff on for the first time.”

Ifs Trying Firsts Looks Littles Stuff Bits Like You Scene Little Bit Jokes First Time Areas Naked Over You Delicate Awkward Nudity Setups

Author:Deborah Ann Woll

“For me, I'm a fan of really dark, depressing stuff. Even something like The Wire, which can be hugely depressing and really serious, the bits I always remember are the jokes, you know?”

Knows Remember Stuff Bits Dark Fans Serious Jokes Depressing Wire Dark Depressing

Author:Declan Shalvey

“[Elbowing incident] was a joke but what I want to say now is that I'm a bit sad that everyone failed to see that.”

Want Bits Jokes Incidents

Author:Seungri

“People that do "bits" and "jokes" or "one-liners" are going by the wayside.”

People Bits Jokes One Liner

Author:Jay Mohr

“I want to get that same feeling that everybody logging on to our website is sharing a little bit of an inside joke, and the rest of the world is oblivious to it although I want to have most of the world.”

World Want Littles Feelings Bits Little Bit Jokes Website Oblivious Logging Inside Jokes

Author:Stan Lee

“With stand-up, there's a little bit of an exaggerated reality because things have to be manipulated to create comedy, to create jokes.”

Littles Reality Bits Comedy Little Bit Jokes Exaggerated

Author:Chris Hardwick

“There have been some very extreme hecklers in audiences whose bile was so hateful and so meant that it would be a bit frightening to think that all I'm doing is jokes and yet someone hates me that much.”

Thinking Has Beens Would Be Hate Bits Audience Jokes Extremes Frightening Hateful Hate Me Hecklers

Author:Jo Brand

“Science is a bit like the joke about the drunk who is looking under a lamppost for a key that he has lost on the other side of the street, because that's where the light is. It has no other choice.”

Light Science Choices Lost Bits Sides Streets Keys Jokes Drunk

Author:Noam Chomsky

“What’ cha doing out here all alone? Did you forget how to find Sanctuary? (Simi) No. I want to be alone for a bit. (Gallagher) Why? Were the bears mean to you? Mama can get a bit cranky whenever I play with the cubs. She thinks I’m going to eat one, but bleh! They’re way too hairy. Now if she’d let me skin one, I might be interested. (Simi) Are you joking? (Gallagher) Oh no. I never joke about hairy food. (Simi)”

Ifs Thinking Way Want Mean Play Might Bits Forget Bears Jokes Skins Let Me Mama Sanctuary All Alone Cubs Cranky Gallagher Wants To Be Alone

Author:Sherrilyn Kenyon

“Oh, man," Xavier groaned. "See what you've done--now I'm stressing." "You can't! You're the stable one!" Xavier laughed and I realized his distress had been feigned to illustrate a point. He wasn't worried in the slightest. "Just relax. Go and run a bath or have a shot of brandy." "Okay." "That second bit was a joke. We both know you can't hold your liquor.”

Knows Men Done Running Bits Jokes Shots Okay Stress I Realized Worried Relax Laughed Stable Distress Baths Liquor Brandy

Author:Alexandra Adornetto

“I'm a bit of a worrier, to an extreme. I'll crack a joke, then worry if I've offended someone - even when they're laughing. I have a guilt complex, always worrying.”

Ifs Bits Worry Laughing Jokes Guilt Complexes Extremes Cracks Offended Always Worrying

Author:Sophia Bush

“Cal," I whisper into her sleep, "if you go, you know what? You'll break my liver." I want to pretend that it's a joke, that she will wake up and laugh with me, throwing her head back the way she did last night, bit this time the words are true . . . she will break my liver, break my heart, kill everything inside alive inside me.”

Ifs Knows Way Want Heart Lasts Night Bits Sleep Break Laughing Alive My Heart Jokes Wake Up Throwing Last Night Liver Breaking My Heart

Author:Brad Barkley