“That's something - you laugh about Eminem... It's funny, man, because I didn't like him when he first came out, ya know. It seemed like a big joke. But I think the guy's for real, and I like his lyrics!” ThinkingKnowsMenFirstsRealBigsGuyLaughingJokesFunny Men Author:Alan Vega
“I don't have any jokes about my divorce or my ex-husband, who is a lovely person. It really is about how I was an idiot trying to push this guy to get married when I wasn't even sure if I wanted to.” IfsTryingPersonsWantedGuyHusbandMarriedJokesDivorceLovelyIdiotThis GuyExesEx HusbandLovely Person Author:Jen Kirkman
“The wrong kind of guy to fall in love with is the guy who will let go of the steering wheel as a joke. A guy who finds it amusing to make you uncomfortable, which is more common than you'd think, is someone you want to avoid.” ThinkingWantKindGuyFallCommonLetting GoJokesFalling In LoveUncomfortableWheelsAmusingSteering Author:An Na
“Reagan was an exceedingly likeable guy, just a heck of a nice fellow, despite his politics. He was funny and loved a good joke, the dirtier, I'm afraid the more ethnic, the better. I don't think he brought very much to the presidency, except charisma and success.” ThinkingGuyNiceJokesFellowsDespitePresidencyCharismaLikeable Author:Walter Cronkite
“I'm going to keep talking about what I think is interesting for my entire career. If you want to hear about how women do a lot of shoe shopping or how being married sucks, go see the guy who does jokes about that. But if you come to see my live show, there's going to be 20 minutes on religion for the rest of my life, probably. If that makes me a caricature, so be it.” IfsThinkingWantDoeShowsGuyInterestingTalkingCareersMinutesMarriedJokesShoesShoppingBeing MarriedCaricaturesKeep Talking Author:David Cross
“The technology companies don't understand creative things at all. Silicon Valley's view of the creative process in Hollywood is a bunch of guys in their young thirties sitting on a couch, drinking beer, and thinking up jokes.” ThinkingYoungGuyProcessViewsCompanyTechnologyCreativeJokesSittingHollywoodDrinkingBunchBeerValleysCreative ProcessCouchesSiliconSilicon ValleyDrinking Beer Author:Steve Jobs
“If you're going to do a Chris Christie joke, just say, 'Christie spent $82,000 at a concession stand at MetLife Stadium. Then he turned to his friends and said, 'You guys want anything?'' That's a joke. I can't believe it. I caved in. I feel awful.” IfsWantFeelsBelieveSaidI CanGuyJokesAwfulStadiumsConcessionsChristie Author:Jimmy Fallon
“I was always pretty broad. I've had a couple bad experiences. One time, I showed up late for a gig in Brooklyn at an Italian restaurant. I ran on stage, did my show, and then some guy in the audience threatened to kill me because he didn't like my joke. Instead of talking to him, I just ran off stage. And then, because I was late, the owner of the restaurant threatened to kill me. And I was 19 years old and so scared that I almost started crying. But, I've done every gig you can imagine, in every state.” YearsStatesDoneShowsGuyTalkingAudienceImagineStageCryCoupleLateJokesScaredRanRestaurantsOwnersBroadsItalianOne TimeThreatenedKill MeGigsBrooklynBad ExperiencesTalking To Him Author:Nick Swardson
“You know that old joke about the guy who lives to be 104? The punch line goes something like 'If I knew I was gonna get this old, I'd have taken much better care of myself.' Well, guess what? We actually are living longer, and the time to start taking care of ourselves is right this minute.” IfsKnowsWellsCareGuyLinesTakenMinutesJokesOld Jokes Author:Oprah Winfrey
“You have to understand that people feel threatened by a writer. It's very curious. He knows something they don't know. He knows how to write, and that's a subtle, disturbing quality he has. Some directors without even knowing it, resent the writer in the same way Bob Hope might resent the fact he ain't funny without twelve guys writing the jokes. The director knows the script he is carrying around on the set every day was written by someone, and that's just not something that all directors easily digest.” PeopleKnowsWayFeelsWritingFactsMightGuyQualityKnow HowKnowingWrittenDirectorsJokesScriptsCuriousSubtleTwelveBobThreatenedDisturbingResent Author:Ernest Lehman
“I think 'Family Guy' and 'American Dad' have definitely staked out their own style and territory, and now the accusations are coming that 'The Simpsons' is taking jokes from 'Family Guy.' And I can tell you, that ain't the case.” ThinkingI CanGuyCasesStyleDadJokesTerritoryAccusationFamily GuyAmerican Dad Author:Matt Groening
“Comedians get jokes offered to them, rock stars get women and underwear thrown onstage, and I get guys that want to take me fishing.” WantGuyStarsRocksJokesComedianThrownFishingTake MeRock StarUnderwear Author:Les Claypool
“I had written for Jimmy Kimmel and Sarah Silverman in the past. Jimmy had a different voice, and different priorities. He couldnt be the bad guy in the joke; he couldnt upset people, really.” PeopleDifferentPastGuyVoiceWrittenJokesPrioritiesUpsetBad GuysJimmyDifferent Voices Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Im not the voice of reason; Im more the guy using these offensive topics as fodder to raise tension in a joke.” ReasonGuyVoiceJokesRaisesTensionOffensiveTopicsFodderVoice Of Reason Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“How about this John Kerry controversy? So he's out there in California, tells some kind of joke and it backfires. He's saying he botched the joke. ... This guy can lose elections he's not even in.” KindGuyLosesJokesElectionCaliforniaThis GuyControversyJohn KerryBackfire Author:David Letterman
“I always hate telling my jokes in print 'cause I always feel like it reads so not funny and people read it and they think, 'Oh, so that's what that guy does in his stand-up? That's terrible.'” PeopleThinkingFeelsDoeGuyHateCausesTerribleJokesPrintThat Guy Author:Aziz Ansari
“I make comedies and I always try... I don't try but I allow to have at least 5% of the jokes or have some jokes that I know will be understood by only about 5% of the audience. It's that guy in the corner who gets it and laughs. But he has to have his jokes too. That's part of my audience. Part of my audience is the people who will only get certain things.” PeopleKnowsTryingGuyCertainAudienceLaughingComedyJokesUnderstoodCornersThat Guy Author:Alexander Payne
“There were very strict social conventions, and you adhered to it, and I think it gave you a lot of character. When a man said something, he meant it. He wasn't kidding around. There were no jokes involved. Nobody was in the mood to joke unless you hit a guy with a baseball bat.” ThinkingMenSaidCharacterGuySocialInvolvedJokesBaseballMoodConventionsBatsStrict Author:Jack Kirby
“I never could tell a joke. I just started talking to the audience, and when the drunks would yell, "Hey, when do the broads come on?" I got good at saying, "Relax. Clear your skin up first." They called me "the insult guy," but it's never mean-spirited. I'm just exaggerating everything about us and about life.” FirstsMeanGuyTalkingAudienceClearJokesSkinsHeyInsultRelaxBroadsSpiritedExaggeratingMean Spirited Author:Don Rickles
“I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.” IfsHumorFunnyGuyHeardJokesI RealizedRidiculousCherriesTomatoes Author:Mitch Hedberg
“There's a guy in the audience with a distinctive laugh. I hope that guy is miked. The only problem with having a distinctive laugh is I know exactly when that guy isn't laughing. "Oh, distinctive laugh doesn't think that joke was funny!"” ThinkingKnowsProblemHumorFunnyGuyAudienceLaughingJokesThat GuyDistinctive Author:Mitch Hedberg
“The only time I've ever been mistaken for someone else is - and this arguable still - when a person came up to me on the boardwalk of Ocean City, New Jersey and said, "You look a lot like that guy from computer ads" and I said, "There is a reason because I am that guy," and the guy looked at me for a minute, laughed and said, "That's a funny joke, but you really do look like him." He thought I was not me.” LooksPersonsSaidStillsReasonGuyCitiesMinutesOceanComputerJokesLaughedAdsMistakenOnly TimeJerseyThat GuyNew JerseyFunny JokesBoardwalks Author:John Hodgman
“There's a lot of guys up there who like wearing a suit or try doing jokes that they think will play to a certain crowd, or maybe get them corporate work. I've always written jokes that I would want to hear. So, I'm trying to entertain myself more than anything.” ThinkingWantTryingPlayGuyCertainWrittenJokesCrowdsSuitsCorporateWearing A Suit Author:Jim Jefferies
“The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"” RealFunnyYoungNightGuyTalkingComedyGraceWifeJokesSingersFatsOpeningComedianItalianNutsThis GuySockOld Time Author:Jerry Seinfeld
“I remember when I did 'Click' and I'd see Adam Sandler's fan base. He's the guy that people feel that he's their best friend, so he's walking down the street and people sort of high five him and want to tell him a joke or invite him to come home and have a sandwich with them.” PeopleWantFeelsHomeRememberGuyFiveFansStreetsWalkingJokesComing HomeInvitesAdamRemember WhenSandwichesClicks Author:Kate Beckinsale
“I must say, I am thrilled with my fan base. For some reason some of them are quite young, so they are quite frightened. I remember when I did 'Click' and I'd see Adam Sandler's fan base. He's the guy that people feel that he's their best friend, so he's walking down the street and people sort of high five him and want to tell him a joke or invite him to come home and have a sandwich with them. Mine are not like that. Mine tend to go: 'Argh,' and look horrified. They shake and take a picture from a really long way away. I do feel I've got quite good, respectful ones though.” PeopleWayWantFeelsLooksLongReasonHomeRememberYoungGuyFiveFansStreetsMinesWalkingJokesShakesComing HomeFrightenedInvitesAdamRemember WhenLong WaySandwichesRespectfulClicksReally Long Author:Colin Farrell
“Chevy Chase and Bill Murray - we thought those guys were funny. We love Bill Murray, but we didn't think they were right for Airplane! because it would step on the joke if there was a known comedian.” IfsThinkingLoveGuyKnownStepsJokesBillsComedianAirplaneAeroplanesChevy Author:David Zucker
“I feel like I'm a compassionate guy, but I also feel if somebody's grip on life or sanity is so tenuous that a joke in an advice column that usually is nothing but jokes pushes them over the edge, then if not me, it would have been a leaf blowing past them that did it, or something else. You almost have to feel that way, doing this.” IfsWayFeelsHas BeensPastGuyAdviceJokesEdgesSanityCompassionateLeafsColumnsOver The Edge Author:Dan Savage
“I don't like any one race or look or type of guy. My tastes as far as looks go are very diverse. I like guys with scruffy beards and leather jackets, but I also like a clean-cut 'GQ'-type guy, so my tastes are very ranged among somebody who laughs at my dumb jokes, too. I have plenty of them.” LooksGuyRaceLaughingCuttingTypeTasteJokesCleanPlentyDumbDiverseJacketsBeardLeatherType Of GuyLeather Jackets Author:Sasha Grey
“I'm not the type that would ask for a number or ask him on a date, but I have approached a guy. I probably would tell a joke or say, "You're really cute."” GuyAsksNumbersTypeJokesCuteReally Cute Author:Jhene Aiko
“I'm a festive guy to begin with and Halloween is my favorite holiday. I went all out on this one costume. It's a ghoul that makes me approximately 10 feet tall when I wear it. I actually got an offer to work at a haunted house because the costume is so great, and I did it for about an hour and a half before I got too cold and had to quit to go inside. Michigan winters are no joke.” GuyHouseHoursHalfFeetColdOffersJokesWinterMy FavoriteQuittingHolidayTallHalloweenCostumesMichiganGhoulsFestiveHaunted Houses Author:Andre Dirrell
“There are a lot of comedic actors who are just out to be the funny one and get all the laughs and they'll sacrifice your joke, the scene, the story just to be the star. All they want is attention and to be number one. You can spot those guys from a mile away and they're the worst.” WantStoriesGuyActorsStarsNumbersAttentionLaughingSacrificeWorstSceneJokesMilesSpotsComedicMiles Away Author:Jake M. Johnson
“The first joke I got on the air I remember clearly. Dennis McNicholas and Robert Carlock wrote a sketch where they were evacuating the Titanic, and the last two guys on the entire ship were the two black guys, Samuel L. Jackson and Tracy Morgan. So Will Ferrell was running back and forth, saying, "All first-class passengers get in the lifeboat. All second-class passengers and third-class passengers get in the lifeboat. Let's get all the animals in the lifeboat. Let's put all the empty luggage in the lifeboat."” FirstsTwoRunningLastsRememberGuyBlackAnimalClassAirJokesEmptyThirdsShipsBack And ForthPassengersFirst ClassLuggageTwo GuysRunning BackLifeboatsTracyBlack GuysSamuel L Jackson Author:Michael Schur
“If you have only a little capital and are young today, there are fewer opportunities than when I was young. Back then, we had just come out of a depression. Capitalism was a bad word. There had been abuses in the 1920s. A joke going around then was the guy who said, 'I bought stock for my old age and it worked - in six months, I feel like an old man!' "It's tougher for you, but that doesn't mean you won't do well - it just may take more time. But what the heck, you may live longer."” IfsMenFeelsWellsMayMeanLittlesSaidAgeTodayYoungGuyOpportunityMonthsSixJokesCapitalismAbuseOld AgeMore TimeOld ManFewerSix MonthsBad Word Author:Charlie Munger
“Maybe it's because I have too much pride or self-respect, but I thought, `Why does a guy who has thinning hair and who is overweight have to be a loser or a joke?'” DoeSelfGuyToo MuchHairPrideJokesSelf RespectLoserOverweightToo Much Pride Author:Paul Giamatti
“I don't think I ever wrote a song. I can write a lot of jokes, but when I try to write lyrics they're the most direct, non-figurative words, like, 'I like you, I like you,'... and that's it, for the whole song. People would go, 'Ooh, this guy's Dylan or something.' It gives me a lot more respect for songwriters, actually.” PeopleThinkingGivingWritingTryingI CanWholeGuySongLike YouJokesDirectGive MeSongwritersThis GuyDylanI Like You Author:Demetri Martin
“Cable news is 24 hours long so you have to fill it up with something. No, the Muppets are not communist. And the character of Tex Richman is not an allegory for capitalism in any way. The character is called Tex Richman. It's a joke. Clearly he is a classic, old school bad guy. He's bad not because he works for an oil company but because he's evil. No, it's not a communist movie in any way.” WayLongCharacterSchoolGuyEvilHoursCompanyNewsJokesCapitalismOilClassicCommunistBad GuysCablesOld SchoolAllegoryOil CompaniesMuppetCable News Author:James Bobin
“Hey! D'you guys hear Dr. Atkins died? Slipped on some ice, hit his head, died on life support. The man who invented the all-meat diet... died a vegetable. That's a damn good joke. But that joke's like a Toyota Camry - reliable, not inspiring.” MenGuySupportHe ManJokesDiedIceHeyDamnMeatDietsVegetablesDrsDamn GoodToyota Author:Christopher Titus
“I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.” HeartFacesGuyFatherWaterWeekJokesCleanPracticalsDryHospitalsCakeScratchesBalloonsHeart AttackTesticlesPractical Joke Author:Christopher Titus
“Now, I want to explain something to you guys. I don't have an ending joke, because I don't tell jokes. I tell real-life stories and make them funny. So, I'm not like the average comedian. They have an ending joke; they always holler Peace! I'm out of here, and walk off stage. So, basically, when I get through performing on stage, I just walk off.” WantRealStoriesGuyWalksStageJokesAverageReal LifeComedianPerformingLife StoryPerforming On Stage Author:Bruce Bruce
“I worked in a paper mill all my adult life and there were a lot of funny guys there. So you pick up on that. Even though something really bad might have happened to somebody you can still make a joke out of it.” StillsMightGuyHappenedPaperJokesPicksAdultsMillsFunny Guy Author:Donald Ray Pollock
“My role is almost a sight-gag. I have to be a woman to sing the lyrics "I am a man" to have it be a joke. I start the lyric in a male-register and a whole coloratura up into a soprano. And other points in the show... like the guy who likes to be treated like a baby and wear a diaper!” MenWholeShowsGuyRolesBabyJokesSightMalesLikesTreatedRegisterDiapersSopranosGags Author:Max von Essen
“I tell this joke about Barack Obama is the best communicator of our generation: The guy reads a teleprompter better than any Hollywood actor. John McCain, his opponent - Stevie Wonder reads a teleprompter better than John McCain.” GuyActorsWonderGenerationsJokesHollywoodBarackOpponentsMccainOur GenerationCommunicators Author:Frank Luntz
“I don't know how to write jokes from the point of view of a six-foot-two guy. So, I'll always talk about it, but I just don't want it to be the absolute focus of all of my act.” KnowsWantWritingTwoGuyViewsKnow HowFocusFeetSixJokesAbsolutesPoint Of ViewTwo Guys Author:Brad Williams
“The running joke on set [of the Westworlds] was that everyone at some point thinks that they're Anthony Hopkins. Like, "Guys, I think I'm Dr. Ford. I'm Anthony Hopkins. That's the twist." We love all of the theories. Part of the fun of that show is figuring it out.” ThinkingShowsRunningGuyFunTheoryJokesDrsTwistsHopkinsFiguring It Author:Evan Rachel Wood
“If people ask me about it, I think it would be great for me to be like, 'Look, [Kanye West] called me and told me the line before it came out. Like, joke's on you guys, we're fine'.” PeopleIfsThinkingLooksWould BeGuyAsksLinesFineJokesWestAsk Me Author:Taylor Swift
“The thing that's weird is that we thought it was funny. We expected people to get the joke - that we [with Andrew Ridgeley] were two guys really making asses of ourselves.” PeopleTwoGuyJokesExpectedAssAndrewTwo Guys Author:George Michael
“All of a sudden I got a call the night of the first time we were filming and they're like, "Terry, we made a mistake. We need you to be you. You're not a joke with these guys and you're not mousy, you're very aggressive. Now it just so happens that you're going through these things, but we need you to be more physical in your role."” NeedsFirstsMadeHappensNightGuyMistakeRolesJokesFirst TimeAggressiveBe YouNeed YouMade A Mistake Author:Terry Crews
“I made this bad joke on Twitter saying, "I want to put in my first no-bid contract to train the Libyan army and police force." These counter-insurgency guys like to say, "We don't do the big F-16 or big boondoggle projects, we're not pulling this stuff because it's good business." But in fact it turns out there are tons of business opportunities involving counter-insurgency operations - and it's not like we're getting rid of the boondoggle programs either, we're just doing more of everything.” GuyOpportunityJokesProgramArmyPoliceTrainGood Business Author:Michael Hastings