“My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.” WayYearsKindLittlesHumorKidsFunnyHurtMillionsBabyLet MeRefuseIdiotCuteMy SisterAdorableNewborn Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.” PeopleYearsBelieveMadeHomeHumorFunnyWalksDealsWatchesHappenedMomCoupleTerribleYears AgoMy MomListsHolocaustInterventionRabbiHolocaust DeniersSchindlerSchindler's List Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.” YearsHandsColdSixWeaponsCuriousAssaultSix Year OldsAssault Weapons Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My dad's been having a hard time lately. Keeps on losing his keys. Can't hang on to a set of keys to save his life. And he has tried everything too: little hook next to the door, little bowl next to his bed, keychain makes a noise when you whistle. Nothing worked. So finally, this year for his birthday, the whole family chipped in - and we put him in a home.” YearsLittlesHardWholeHomeNextDoorsKeysDadBedLosingMy DadNoiseHard TimesBowlsHookWhole FamilyHaving A Hard Time Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I had a happy childhood in a nice suburban area, pretty idyllic, upper middle class and very, very white. My dad is an attorney. My mother is a housewife. They had five kids in seven years: me, my brother, and three sisters. I'm the oldest. We were all very active. My mother was exhausted.” YearsKidsMotherThreeWhiteClassFiveNiceChildhoodMiddleBrotherDadAreasSevenMy DadActiveMy BrotherMiddle ClassExhaustedSeven YearsAttorneyHousewifeHappy ChildhoodIdyllicUpper Middle ClassThree Sisters Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I have a twelve year old sex doll. Brand new.” YearsSexBrandsTwelveDollsBrand New Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My girlfriend has the greatest story as to why she isn't religious anymore. When she was a kid, like 12 years old, her parents nailed a 25 pound crucifix to the wall right above her bed. About two weeks later, in the middle of the night, the crucifix falls off the wall and leaves a two inch gash in the back of her dad's head.” YearsTwoStoriesKidsNightFallParentReligiousWeekMiddleWallDadBedGirlfriendPoundsInchesTwo WeeksMy GirlfriendMiddle Of The NightOff The Wall Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Every year I volunteer at a hospital on Thanksgiving, deep-frying turkeys in the children's burn unit. I do it just to see the looks on their little "faces."” YearsLooksChildrenLittlesFacesHospitalsUnitsVolunteerTurkeysFrying Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I love Pittsburgh. Most of my family still lives there and I try to get back a couple of times a year.” TryingYearsStillsCoupleMy FamilyGet BackStill LifePittsburgh Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“About a year after I moved to Los Angeles, I decided I wanted to be a joke writer for a late night talk show. So I met with a late night joke writer and he told me that I should start by doing stand-up comedy, because that would really hone my sense of humor and joke writing ability. Eventually I took a stand-up class and a few months later I had a seven-minute act.” ShouldWritingYearsShowsWantedNightAbilityClassComedyMinutesMonthsMetsLateJokesDecidedMovedSevenLos AngelesSense Of HumorTalk ShowsLate NightStand Up Comedy Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I'm really proud of the album. It's something I always wanted to do but I had to wait until I was ready. Shakespeare is a culmination of eight years of stand up experience and joke writing. I recorded two shows at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York. The crowds were great and that's what really makes an album.” WritingYearsTwoShowsWantedWaitingNew YorkReadyProudCitizensJokesAlbumsCrowdsEightTheatreCulmination Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Wayne Brady, I don’t understand why people keep joking that you’re not black. Wayne Brady, you are BLACK. After all, I only remember you for all the years you played an uppity slave on ‘Who’s Line is it Anyway?’.” PeopleYearsRememberBlackLinesSlaveWayneRemember YouRemembers YouBrady Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.” YearsTwoHumorFunnyPastGirlfriendTwo YearsKillersExesEx Girlfriend Author:Anthony Jeselnik
