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Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

Comedian

Anthony Jeselnik, born on December 22, 1978, is an American comedian known for his sharp wit and unique performance style. He has gained recognition for his appearances in comedy clubs and television shows.

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Famous Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

“I have a rare form of body dysmorphia in which I absolutely can't stand how good I look.”

Looks Body Humor Funny Form

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.”

Humor Kids School Funny Cost Cents

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.”

Way Years Kind Littles Humor Kids Funny Hurt Millions Baby Let Me Refuse Idiot Cute My Sister Adorable Newborn

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.”

Humor Funny Break Pieces Easier Girlfriend My Girlfriend Christmas Present

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My great grandmother threw herself in front of a bus. The police tried to say she was committed suicide but the family knew she was just trying to stop civil rights.”

Trying Humor Funny Rights Fronts Police Suicide Committed Civil Rights Grandmother Bus Great Grandmother

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.”

Ifs Humor Funny Differences Streets Wall Cancer Not Sure

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.”

Knows Men Way Stills Humor Bigs Funny Found Father Black Huge Dad My Dad Complicated Racist Santa Santa Claus Let Down Good Father

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.”

Ifs Hard Humor Funny Found Mom Golf My Mom Be Good Hard Times Breasts Having A Hard Time

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“She got really mad a month ago, because she had e-mailed me a naked picture of herself - which is a nice thing to do - but then I messed up, and I accidentally forwarded that e-mail to both of my parents. Now, my girlfriend is furious, mortified, but I don't even care, 'cause now I have to call up my mother and say 'Mom, I am so sorry - that picture was just for dad.'”

Humor Care Funny Mother Causes Parent Nice Mom Months Dad Mad Sorry Naked Things To Do Girlfriend Mail My Girlfriend Nice Things Furious Messed Up I Am So Sorry

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'”

Ifs Thinking Want Said Humor Funny Lasts Months Couple Mad Girlfriend Fancy My Girlfriend Lingerie

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.”

Knows Feels Littles Stills Humor Funny Found Parent Serious Brother Eating Caught Tiny Bags Funeral Airline Peanuts Allergies Little Brother My Little Brother

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My mom, for most of her life, was a Holocaust denier. And it was terrible for the entire family to have to deal with until, finally, a couple years ago, we had an intervention. And we had a rabbi come into the home, had him walk her through the history of the Jewish people, and then he made her watch "Schindler's List." And after that, my mom did a complete 180. Now she can't believe it only happened once.”

“Who do you think was smarter, Jesus or Buddha? I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified.”

Thinking Mean Humor Funny Jesus Term Smarter

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.”

Said I Can Humor Kids Funny Opinion Doctors Hospitals

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.”

Want Persons I Can Humor Funny Stupidity Girlfriend Better Person My Girlfriend Being A Better Person

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I’m not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don’t have a good story behind it, I’m just reasonable.”

Persons Stories Humor Funny Religious Behinds Atheist Reasonable Good Story Religious Person

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.”

Knows Believe Mean Humor Funny Don't Believe Biblical

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Every comic went through their Mitch Hedberg phase - the glasses, the hair in the face - and you knew immediately when they were doing it.”

Humor Funny Faces Hair Glasses Comic Phases

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.”

Ifs Firsts Looks Humor Funny Girl Mines Pretty Girl

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.”

Littles Humor Kids Funny Saws Car Serious Yesterday Little Kid

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“When I finished high school, I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. But my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.”

Said Humor Wanted School Funny Brother Mom High School Died My Mom Finished Accidents Horrible Motorcycle

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend’s killer… but no one will do it.”

Years Two Humor Funny Past Girlfriend Two Years Killers Exes Ex Girlfriend

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

About the Author

Born: December 22, 1978
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 199

Books & Sources

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