“On the show, you have to be more charismatic, a little smoother, but I think I can still be that prince of darkness. You just have to learn the tricks of the TV trade as well.” ThinkingWellsLittlesStillsI CanShowsDarknessTvsTradeTricksCharismatic Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Comedy Central made me delete the Boston Marathon joke. I wasn't happy about it but, despite popular belief, I can occasionally be a team player.” MadeI CanBeliefComedyPlayerTeamJokesDespiteBostonMarathonTeam PlayerBoston Marathon Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I can stand by a tweet. But Comedy Central said they couldn't publicly support me, unless I deleted it. I wasn't about to tell the people who work for me that they didn't have jobs anymore because I wasn't going to delete a stupid tweet.” PeopleSaidI CanJobsSupportComedyStupidTweetSupport Me Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I try to retire jokes as soon as I can once I put them on an album. But I can't think of anything I just stopped doing for no reason.” ThinkingTryingI CanReasonJokesAlbumsNo ReasonRetiring Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Doctor just told me I can't have kids. I asked for a second opinion. He said, Why? No one's gonna to let you take kids from this hospital.” SaidI CanHumorKidsFunnyOpinionDoctorsHospitals Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.” IfsKnowsWritingTryingI CanThreeMorningMonthsJokesAssumingEvery Morning Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My girlfriend was just killed in a car accident. Devastating. I can't believe I'm only going to have sex with her one more time.” BelieveI CanSexCarAccidentsGirlfriendMore TimeMy GirlfriendCar Accident Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I can drink like a fish, or at least, someone born with fetal alcohol syndrome.” I CanBornDrinkFishesAlcoholSyndromes Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I feel worthless. My girlfriend was attacked on the subway yesterday. And I can't even enjoy it.” FeelsI CanEnjoyYesterdayGirlfriendWorthlessMy GirlfriendSubway Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I can't talk politics with my cousin because he's such a hypocrite. He's against the death penalty and he hanged himself.” I CanPoliticsPenaltiesCousinDeath PenaltyHypocriteMy CousinAgainst Death Penalty Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My girlfriend makes me want to be a better person... so I can get a better girlfriend.” WantPersonsI CanHumorFunnyStupidityGirlfriendBetter PersonMy GirlfriendBeing A Better Person Author:Anthony Jeselnik
