“In comedy, I hate that cop-out where you say, "Just kidding." I know you're just kidding. Don't insult my intelligence by spelling it out for me that much.” KnowsHateComedyI HateInsultCopSpellingJust Kids Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.” IfsThinkingKnowsMadeReasonCareJokesSevereSharksNew ZealandBacklashShark Attacks Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I think some people just don't know that much about comedy. It would be like a person who didn't know anything about football thinking all offensive linemen are the same.” PeopleThinkingKnowsPersonsWould BeComedyFootballOffensiveLinemanLinemenOffensive Lineman Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.” KnowsMenWayStillsHumorBigsFunnyFoundFatherBlackHugeDadMy DadComplicatedRacistSantaSanta ClausLet DownGood Father Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“We just found out my little brother has a peanut allergy, which is very serious I know. But still I feel like my parents are totally overreacting - they caught me eating a tiny little bag of airline peanuts and they kicked me out of his funeral.” KnowsFeelsLittlesStillsHumorFunnyFoundParentSeriousBrotherEatingCaughtTinyBagsFuneralAirlinePeanutsAllergiesLittle BrotherMy Little Brother Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.” IfsKnowsWritingTryingI CanThreeMorningMonthsJokesAssumingEvery Morning Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?” KnowsSaidCareKidsDiesWeekMonthsWinnerNeighborhoodAbandonedWho CaresRefrigerators Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“The first time I had sex, I didn't know what I was doing. It was a relief when the whole thing was over after just 45 minutes.” KnowsFirstsWholeSexMinutesFirst TimeRelief Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.” KnowsKnow HowComfortAidsEmailExes Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn't sound that original, but she's bulimic.” KnowsPlayNightHateSoundLaughingOriginalsGirlfriendSeatsToiletsWrapsMy GirlfriendMake Me LaughPranksToilet Seat Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I think my friend Jeff is gay. I don't know - I'm so bad with names.” ThinkingKnowsNamesGayMy Friends Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I feel like every first episode of a TV show is bad, you know, and it always improves.” KnowsFeelsFirstsShowsTvsEpisodesTv Shows Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I'm trying to teach my girlfriend how to surf. But I just end up yelling at her the whole time. Because I don't know how to surf.” KnowsTryingEndsWholeTeachKnow HowGirlfriendMy GirlfriendYellingSurf Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance that all I wanted was an Xbox. That's it. Beginning and end of list, Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine. Because I got her an Xbox.” KnowsFirstsEndsWantedTogetherPastFineMonthsListsGirlfriendMy GirlfriendFunny ChristmasHomemadeFirst DateBeginnings And EndsXbox Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“You know how everybody has that one weird creepy uncle? Well, Seth Green looks like he got raped by all of them.” KnowsWellsLooksKnow HowGreenUnclesCreepy Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“You don't know anything about pain until you've seen your own baby drowned in a tub... and you definitely don't know anything about how to wash a baby.” KnowsFunnyPainBabyTubs Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I know her in the biblical senseand when I say that, I mean I don't believe a word she says.” KnowsBelieveMeanHumorFunnyDon't BelieveBiblical Author:Anthony Jeselnik
