“I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.” IfsWayWantNeedsAbleWantedFeltCareersComplainingEmbarrassedPersonaNeedyBeing CoolWhining Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I was a terrible employee. I've been fired from almost every job I've ever had, luckily, in a good way, or else I'd be stuck. I would always joke around with everybody, and no one enjoyed my humor.” WayJobsTerribleJokesStuckEnjoyedEmployeeGood Way Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“I'm a realist all the way. I'm too cynical to be an optimist. But I've lived too much of a charmed life so far to ever be a pessimist.” WayToo MuchCynicalOptimistPessimistRealistCharmedCharmed Life Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My sister just had a baby, a little newborn. The kid is adorable, so cute. She wouldn't let me hold him, she refuses. She says, 'No way, Anthony, I'm afraid you're gonna drop him.' I'm 32 years old. Like I'm some kind of idiot. Like I don't have a million other ways to hurt that baby.” WayYearsKindLittlesHumorKidsFunnyHurtMillionsBabyLet MeRefuseIdiotCuteMy SisterAdorableNewborn Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.” PeopleIfsThinkingWayFeelsCareHateFansSpecialLike MeI CareMake Me Feel Special Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My dad was a complicated man. He was a huge racist, my dad, but he still tried to be a good father, you know? Like, he would tell me that Santa Claus was black - that way, when I found out he didn't exist, it wouldn't be that big a let down.” KnowsMenWayStillsHumorBigsFunnyFoundFatherBlackHugeDadMy DadComplicatedRacistSantaSanta ClausLet DownGood Father Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'” WorldWayCareTodayLaughterUniversalHorribleLiftsHorrible ThingsHeads Up Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“The best way to break up with a girl is like I'm taking off a band-aid. Slowly and in the shower.” WayGirlBreakBandAidsBest WayShowersBand Aid Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Sure, retarded jokes write themselves. But the spelling is always way off.” WayWritingJokesSpellingRetarded Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Of all the ways people save time, I think racism is the worst.” PeopleThinkingWayWorstRacism Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Every night, my girlfriend comes home from work, and she brings with her a houseplant. She's like, 'Anthony, I had to pick this up. We need a houseplant in our apartment.' And every night, I make her return it. I say, 'No way, baby. You can't take care of a houseplant. You couldn't even keep your baby alive.'” WayNeedsHomeCareNightAliveBabyReturnPicksTake CareGirlfriendComing HomeEvery NightApartmentMy Girlfriend Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?” IfsMenWayWantKindSaidMy FriendsGirlfriendMy GirlfriendOpen Relationship Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“That's the worst way you can hear about comedy material: from a third person's blog story that they wrote when they were upset.” WayPersonsStoriesComedyWorstMaterialsThirdsUpsetBlogsThird Person Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“You can't expect everyone to laugh or applaud you for doing edgy things. Sometimes you'll miss. But I think comedians are artists and there's a value in failure. It kind of works both ways between comedians and audiences. The audience has to understand that comedians are going to sometimes tell a joke that doesn't work out with dark subjects, and the comedian has to understand that sometimes they 'll fail and it's not the audience's fault for not getting it or loving it.” ThinkingWayKindSometimesArtistValuesDarkAudienceLaughingFailingSubjectsMissingJokesFaultsWork OutComedianEdgy Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Usually the beginning of a story that people hear a lot. For example, "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut" or "My dad keeps losing his car keys." And then I just think of different ways the story could end. "My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend." Then I try it out on stage. I don't do a lot of re-writing. My jokes either work or they don't. The trick is just to write a ton of jokes.” PeopleThinkingWayWritingTryingDifferentEndsStoriesStageCarCryExampleKeysDadLosingJokesMy DadTricksUpsetDifferent WaysGirlfriendMy GirlfriendHaircutsCar KeysNew GirlfriendNew Haircut Author:Anthony Jeselnik
“Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.” WayPlayGirlSexSmartAssumingHerpes Author:Anthony Jeselnik
