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Anthony Jeselnik

Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

Comedian

Anthony Jeselnik, born on December 22, 1978, is an American comedian known for his sharp wit and unique performance style. He has gained recognition for his appearances in comedy clubs and television shows.

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Famous Anthony Jeselnik Quotes

“On Twitter, when someone would die, I would write a joke. Or if there's a tragedy, I would write a joke and tweet it. That was my thing, and then at a certain point, people started demanding it.”

People Ifs Writing Certain Dies Jokes Tragedy Tweet

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Silence means they [the audience] are paying attention. Even if I drop bombs and they're dead quiet, it's still okay. If they start talking, that's when you've lost them.”

Ifs Mean Stills Lost Attention Silence Talking Audience Quiet Okay Pay Attention Bombs

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I want people to just be paying attention even if they're not necessarily laughing at something, or if it takes them a while to get something, I don't mind that. If half the crowd gets the joke and the other half is sitting there scratching their heads, that's just as good for me if I like the joke, because I feel like it just brings people in more.”

People Ifs Want Feels Mind Attention Half Laughing Jokes Sitting Crowds Pay Attention Other Half

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I have that need in me, I want everyone to love me, but I'm embarrassed by that need, so I wanted to cover it up in my persona. I felt like I wouldn't be able to do stand-up for a career if I was needy. I didn't want to be complaining or whining onstage. I wanted to be cool and do exactly what I wanted to do. That way I would never have to change for anybody.”

Ifs Way Want Needs Able Wanted Felt Careers Complaining Embarrassed Persona Needy Being Cool Whining

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I never go see live comedy shows because I just sit in the audience thinking, "Here's what I would say. Here's what I would do if I got up there." It drives me crazy.”

Ifs Thinking Shows Audience Comedy Crazy Drive Me Crazy Comedy Shows

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“If I tell a joke on stage and the crowd laughs for a minute, I stand there for a minute and enjoy them laughing before I go on to the next joke. On TV, if I stand there for a minute while they laugh, I look like an idiot who can't remember the next joke.”

Ifs Looks Remember Next Enjoy Laughing Minutes Stage Tvs Goes On Jokes Crowds Idiot

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“There is nothing that's off limits. If people think something is off limits, I make it my business to go make a joke about it; that's my job.”

People Ifs Thinking Jobs Limits Jokes

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“People are surprised that I'm nice and it helps me out a little bit; it's easy to be nice when everyone thinks you're going to be a jerk but if people think you're a nice guy then it's tough because it's what they expect.”

People Ifs Thinking Littles Helping Guy Easy Bits Nice Little Bit Tough Help Me Being Nice Jerk Nice Guy

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I've always been fascinated by dark subjects, especially people's reactions to them. Why are people so uncomfortable talking about death if everyone dies?”

People Ifs Dies Dark Talking Subjects Reactions Uncomfortable Fascinated

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I didn't care about the backlash. I think the reason it was so severe was because they didn't know anything about me in New Zealand. If I had made jokes about a shark attack in the US, no one would have cared.”

Ifs Thinking Knows Made Reason Care Jokes Severe Sharks New Zealand Backlash Shark Attacks

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“What do I care if someone doesn't like me. If I like someone other people hate, it makes me feel special. I think my fans feel that way.”

People Ifs Thinking Way Feels Care Hate Fans Special Like Me I Care Make Me Feel Special

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Donald, I'm not sure if you're even aware of this, but the only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie, Wall Street, is that no one's going to be sad when you get cancer.”

Ifs Humor Funny Differences Streets Wall Cancer Not Sure

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My mom's been having a hard time lately. She just found out that she has to have both of her breasts removed - if she's ever going to be good at golf.”

Ifs Hard Humor Funny Found Mom Golf My Mom Be Good Hard Times Breasts Having A Hard Time

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me. She said, 'Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me.' And I said, 'If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.'”

Ifs Thinking Want Said Humor Funny Lasts Months Couple Mad Girlfriend Fancy My Girlfriend Lingerie

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I think the reason I became funny was because if I made people laugh, they would let me keep talking.”

People Ifs Thinking Made Reason Talking Laughing Let Me Keep Talking

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I try to write three jokes every morning, although I don't know what they are. I write them as fast as I can, then I put them away for a month. So I couldn't even tell you what they are, or if they're good. I just assume they weren't.”

Ifs Knows Writing Trying I Can Three Morning Months Jokes Assuming Every Morning

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“If your house is on fire and you can only escape with your life and one thing, what one thing would you take out of your house? I got to think my laptop is the one thing that is totally irreplaceable. Either that or my son. Laptop. I'll go laptop.”

Ifs Thinking House Fire One Thing Son My Son Laptops Irreplaceable

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My girlfriend asked me if I only love her for her body. I said no, baby. Just parts of it.”

Ifs Said Body Baby Girlfriend My Girlfriend Only Love

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I would never hit a woman - even if she had a knife or a stutter.”

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Stereotypes wouldn't be so bad if black people were nicer, in general.”

People Ifs Black Black People Stereotype

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“My girlfriend wants an open relationship. I said no way. What kind of man would I be if I had to tell my friends I date you?”

Ifs Men Way Want Kind Said My Friends Girlfriend My Girlfriend Open Relationship

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Every Sunday my dad calls to ask if I went to church. And every Sunday I lie and say: Sorry. Wrong Number.”

Ifs Lying Asks Church Numbers Dad Sorry My Dad Sunday Saying Sorry Wrong Number

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.”

Ifs Long Kids Generations Lucky News My Family Good News Suicidal Skip

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Charlie Sheen called his boss on 'Two and a Half Men' a 'Jew ki**' and expected to go back to work. That’s crazy. If you could do that and keep your job, then everybody would do it.”

Ifs Men Two Jobs Half Crazy Jew Expected Boss Charlie Back To Work Two And A Half Men

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.”

Ifs Shows My Own

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

“Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.”

Ifs Firsts Looks Humor Funny Girl Mines Pretty Girl

Author:Anthony Jeselnik

About the Author

Born: December 22, 1978
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 199

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