Dave Barry Quotes

Author

Dave Barry is a renowned American humorist, born on July 3, 1947. His works are known for their unique humor style and satirical observations of everyday life.

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Famous Dave Barry Quotes

“At the height of rush hour, people on the London underground actually say "excuse me." Imagine what would happen if you tried an insane stunt like that on the New York City subway. The other passengers would take it as a sign of weakness, and there'd be a fight over who got to keep your ears as a trophy.”

People Ifs Happens Funny Fighting Hours Cities Imagine New York Humorous Weakness Ears Excuse London Insane Height New York City Passengers Subway Trophies Excuse Me Rush Hour

Book:Dave Barry Talks Back

Source: Dave Barry Talks Back

“Everybody in New York, including police horses, dresses fashionably, and whenever I'm there, even in my sharpest funeral-quality suit with no visible ketchup stains, I feel as though I'm wearing a Hefty trash bag. And it's last year's Hefty trash bag.”

Feels Years Funny Lasts Quality New York Humorous Horse Police Dresses Including Suits Visible Bags Funeral Last Year Trash Stains Ketchup

Book:Dave Barry Talks Back

Source: Dave Barry Talks Back

“It is an inconvenience, being located in a city where taxes are ludicrously high, where you pay twice your annual income to rent an apartment that could easily be carried on a commercial airline flight.”

Funny Pay Cities New York Taxes Humorous Income Flight Apartment Airline Annuals Inconvenience

Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Source: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

“Although it was constructed in 1536, the New York subway system boasts an annual maintenance budget of nearly $8, currently stolen, and it does a remarkable job of getting New Yorkers from Point A to an indeterminate location somewhere in the tunnel leading to point B.”

Doe Funny Jobs New York Humorous Budgets Remarkable Location Boast Stolen Tunnels New Yorkers Maintenance Subway Annuals

Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Source: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

“If for some reason you are unsure where to go, all you have to do is stand there looking lost, and within seconds a helpful New Yorker will approach to see if you have any "spare" change.”

Ifs Reason Funny Lost New York Approach Humorous Helpful Seconds Spares New Yorkers Unsure Spare Change

Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Source: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

“Within less than an hour, Chuck and I easily located what could well be the correct platform, where we pass the time by perspiring freely until the train storms in, colorfully decorated, as is the tradition in New York, with the spray-painted initials of all the people it has run over.”

People Wells Running Funny Hours New York Humorous Tradition Train Storm Platforms Initials Chuck Spray

Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Source: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

“We decide to start with the best-known sight of all, the one that, more than any other, exemplifies what the Big Apple is all about: the Islip Garbage Barge.”

Bigs Funny Known New York Humorous Sight Apples Garbage Barges

Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Source: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

“I would rather undergo a vasectomy via Weed Whacker than attend an opera.”

Funny Humorous Weed Opera Vasectomy

Book:Dave Barry Talks Back

Source: Dave Barry Talks Back

“The Olympic movement simply cannot allow the Russians to become estranged, because Russia is a vital part of the world sports community, in the sense of having nuclear missiles.”

World Funny Sports Community Movement Humorous Nuclear Russia Missiles Nuclear Missiles

Book:Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism

Source: Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism

“The Soviet Union at this time was being run by the Communists, a group of men fierce in their dedication to wearing hilariously bad suits. Their leader was Josef Stalin (Russian for "Joey Bananas")”

Men Running Funny Leader Groups Humorous Unions Russia Suits Communist Soviet Dedication Fierce Soviet Union Bananas Joey Josef Stalin

Book:Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States

Source: Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort of History of the United States

“I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys.”

Want Humans Book Funny Sex Understanding Boys Humorous Sells Chapters Frontiers Explicit

Book:All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist

Source: All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist

“I'm not saying that women don't think about sex also. I'm saying that women are capable, for at least brief periods of time, of not thinking about sex, and that most guys are not.”

Thinking Funny Guy Sex Periods Capable Humorous

Book:Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys

Source: Dave Barry's Complete Guide to Guys

“I suspect that LaGuardia is an elaborate prank, and New York has a real airport nearby that only locals know about.”

Knows Real Funny New York Travel Locals Suspects Airports Pranks

Author:Dave Barry

“Spain travel tip: If bathroom genders are indicated by flamingos, the boy flamingo is the one with a hat. I learned this the hard way.”

Ifs Way Hard Funny Boys Travel Gender Hats Bathroom Spain Hard Way Flamingos

Author:Dave Barry

“The Spanish government, having run completely out of money, secretly sold the Pyrenees to China, and is now separated from France only by traffic cones.”

Government Running Funny Travel China France Traffic Cones

Author:Dave Barry

“San Francisco leads the world in the category of Most People On The Sidewalk Holding Conversations With Purely Imaginary Companions.”

People World Funny Conversation Travel Companion Categories Imaginary San Francisco Sidewalk

Author:Dave Barry

“Dear Hotel People: We don't need a cheeseball clock-radio. WE NEED PLACES TO PLUG STUFF IN. Thank you.”

People Needs Funny Stuff Travel Dear Radio Clock Hotel Plugs

Author:Dave Barry

“Be advised that there is no parking in Europe.”

Funny Travel Europe Parking

Author:Dave Barry

“Greyhound Bus Lines motto: "We Stop For Some Damn Thing Every 200 Yards."”

Funny Lines Travel Damn Bus Yards Motto Damn Things Greyhounds Greyhound Bus

Author:Dave Barry

“Never trust anything you read in a travel article.”

Funny Travel Articles Never Trust

Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

Source: Dave Barry's Greatest Hits

“The population of earth has reached 7 billion people, every single one of whom send you irritating emails to join something called "LinkedIn."”

People Earth Funny Technology Population Billions Email Irritating Linkedin

Author:Dave Barry

“To people who make moving ads that block the view of websites: Not only will we not buy from you, but we want shrews to eat your liver.”

People Want Funny Moving Views Technology Block Ads Website Liver Shrews

Author:Dave Barry

About the Author

Born: July 3, 1947
Known for: Author
Quotes: 831

Books & Sources

Dave Barry's Greatest HitsRelated source material

Dave Barry Is from Mars and VenusRelated source material

Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever NeedRelated source material

Dave Barry Talks BackRelated source material

The World According to Dave BarryRelated source material

Dave Barry Turns 50Related source material

Dave Barry in CyberspaceRelated source material

Dave Barry Is Not Taking This Sitting DownRelated source material

Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual JournalismRelated source material

Dave Barry Does JapanRelated source material

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