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Dave Barry Quotes

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Famous Dave Barry Quotes

“Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as Garfield Gets Spayed, and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you how to be excellent: In Search of Excellence, Finding Excellence, Grasping Hold of Excellence, Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It, etc.”

BookNightWalksHalfFindingsHumorousExcellenceStealingExcellentEtcTrendsShoppingDozenCleaning80sBookstoresMallsGraspingSellersRacksPersonnelBest SellersGarfield
Author:Dave Barry
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“I grew up in the Southwest Bronx. Father an accountant, mother a schoolteacher. Brother was six years older, which explains why I gobbled crystal meth at 12, smoked hashish at 13, and was shooting smack at 17, which explains how I got Hepatitis C, which was the basis of my first book, which was a humor book about dying.”

YearsFirstsBookMotherFatherDyingBrotherGrewSixGrew UpBasesShootingCrystalsAccountantsSmackBronxHashishCrystal MethHepatitisHepatitis C
Author:Dave Barry
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“I am not one to generalize, but cartoonists, as a group, exhibit a level of social sophistication generally associated with pie fights. In high school, when the future lawyers were campaigning for class president, the future cartoonists were painstakingly altering illustrations in their history books so that Robert E. Lee appeared to be performing an illegal act with his horse.”

BookSchoolFightingSocialPresidentLevelsClassGroupsHigh SchoolHorseLawyerPerformingIllegalPieExhibitsIllustrationSophisticationCartoonistHistory BooksCampaigningClass President
Author:Dave Barry
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“I really need to know where I'm going with fiction to write it in a way that at least I'm happy with. And I really think that a lot of fiction books end badly because terrific writers said, "I'll just figure it out" and plunge in, but have created so many problems that they are kind of impossible to solve. I mean, I'm talking really good writers do this and you can tell when they got to the end they either had to do something preposterous or they just don't really resolve things. So for fiction I spend a lot more time outlining and for humor I really don't do much of it.”

ThinkingKnowsWayNeedsWritingKindMeanSaidBookEndsProblemFictionTalkingImpossibleFiguresSolveResolveMore TimeTerrificPlungeGood WritersOutlining
Author:Dave Barry
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“I think I've learned over the years, because you'd have to be stupid not to, that when a book publisher gives you a deadline they're just kidding for the most part. I don't know what they do with it, it's like you send them your book and they just hold it in their hands for like six months and I don't know why, and you realize you probably had more time.”

ThinkingKnowsGivingYearsBookHandsRealizingStupidLike YouMonthsSixI've LearnedMore TimePublishersSix MonthsDeadlineJust Kids
Author:Dave Barry
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“Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.”

WayBookHumorWould BeFunWaterExampleDrinkDrinkingAlcoholBeerHopsIngredientsChemicalsOxygenDrankWhiskeyProhibitionDrinking AlcoholFunny DrinkingHydrogenBeer DrinkingDrinking BeerGreat DrinkingFunny AlcoholDrinking WaterDrinking FunnyDrink WaterFood And DrinkGreat AlcoholFunny BeerAleBrewing BeerDrinking WhiskeyFunny Beer DrinkingGreat BeerWhiskey DrinkingBeer DrinkersCraft BeerBars DrinkingSmoking And DrinkingShots DrinkingBrewersDrinking ToastShort BeerShort DrinkingCollege DrinkingDrunk ManFunny BarLager
Author:Dave Barry
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“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.”

WellsDoeBookMankindFineDrinkDrinkingAlcoholInventionBeerWheelsHopsGrantsDrankPizzaWhiskeyLiquorCocktailsDrinking AlcoholBoozeFunny DrinkingBeer DrinkingDrinking BeerGreat DrinkingFunny AlcoholAlcohol DrinkingDrinking FunnyPintsFood And DrinkGreat AlcoholDrinking WineBrewingFunny BeerAleBrewing BeerAlcohol And LifeDrinking WhiskeyFunny SarcasticFunny Beer DrinkingGreat BeerWhiskey DrinkingBeer DrinkersCraft BeerBars DrinkingWine ToastLiquor FunnySmoking And DrinkingBeer LoveCocktail DrinksBrewersDrinking ToastBeer And LoveIrish BeerGreat InventionsDrinks And LoveCollege DrinkingFunny BarLager
Book:The Greatest Invention in the History of Mankind Is Beer: And Other Manly Insights from Dave Barry
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“My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.”

ChildrenBookIdeasFactsHumorKidsFunnyYoungReadingSeriousBabyCoupleHumorousSloppySerious BusinessYoung Couples
Book:Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home
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“All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person responsible for what I write, and that person, of course, is: Donald Trump.”

PeopleIfsWritingPersonsBookEndsFunnyCoursesReadingClearOne ThingTrumpLet MeResponsibleErrorsReading BooksOmission
Book:Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus
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“I'm afraid that, in this chapter we must talk about sex in a very explicit manner, because we want to expand the Frontiers of Human Understanding and also we want to sell as many books as possible to adolescent boys.”

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Book:All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist
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