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Dave Barry Quotes

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Famous Dave Barry Quotes

“Common criticism of the Internet is that it is dominated by the crude, the uninformed, the immature, the smug, the untalented, the repetitious, the pathetic, the hostile, the deluded, the sefl-righteous, and the shrill. This criticism overlooks the fact that the Internet also offers - for the savvy individual who knows where to look - the tasteless and borderline insane.”

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Author:Dave Barry
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“So when I open the door on Halloween, I am confronted by three or four imaginary heroes, such as G.I. Joe, Conan the Barbarian and Oliver North, who would look very terrifying except that they are three feet tall and facing in random directions. They stand there silently for several seconds before an adult voice hisses from the darkness behind them: "Say 'Trick or treat!”

LooksThreeVoiceBehindsDarknessFourDoorsFeetHeroAdultsTreatsTricksTallSecondsImaginaryHalloweenBarbariansConanTrick Or Treat
Book:The World According to Dave Barry
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“We are talking about mutated women, the result of cruel genetic experiments performed by fashion designers so lacking in any sense of human decency that they think nothing of putting their initials on your eyeglass lenses. The leading cause of death among fashion models is falling through street grates. If a normal woman puts on clothing designed for these unfortunate people, she is quite naturally going to look like Revenge of the Pork Person.”

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Author:Dave Barry
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“Teenagers are bored. By everything. Show a teenager an actual volcanic eruption, in progress, featuring giant billowing clouds of smoke, hot rocks raining from the sky, lava floes destroying entire villages, etc., and the teenager, eyebrows arched with sarcasm, will look at you and say, "Gee, this is swell," then return to the rental car, turn on his portable CD player, and listen to a band called Stomach Contents.”

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Author:Dave Barry
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“We're trying to make our current house look domestic so that somebody will want to buy it. We're making a lot of simple, obvious improvements that never would have occurred to us to make while we actually lived here, because, tragically, we both happen to be domestically impaired. If we were birds, our nest would consist of a single twig with the eggs attached via Scotch tape.”

IfsWantTryingLooksHappensHouseSimpleBirdCurrentsObviousImprovementEggsTapeNestsScotchTwigsScotch Tape
Book:Dave Barry Talks Back
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“Look, in particular, at the people who, like you, are making average incomes for doing average jobs- bank vice presidents, insurance salesmen, auditors, secretaries of defense- and you'll realie they all dress the same way, essentially the way the mannequins in the Sears menswear department dress. Now look at the real successes, the people who make a lot more money than you- Elton John, Captain Kangaroo, anybody from Saudi Arabia, Big Bird, and so on. They all dress funny- and they all succeed.”

PeopleWayLooksRealBigsJobsPresidentParticularLike YouSucceedBirdDressesAverageVicesDefenseIncomeDepartmentMore MoneySecretaryCaptainsSalesmanArabiaSaudi ArabiaSaudisVice PresidentReal SuccessSearsKangaroosAuditorsBig Bird
Author:Dave Barry
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“A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. A tautology is a thing which is tautological. A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets people's attention. If your kids look like you, it's hereditory. If they look like the neighbor, it's the environment. Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing.”

PeopleIfsLooksLongIdeasKidsTodayAmericaMemoriesAttentionEnvironmentLike YouProveGolfWittyNeighborWealthyClothingsPointlessHideousProtestantsSubversiveOverweightTautologyWitty Sayings
Author:Dave Barry
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“Technology is constantly improving our lives. Look at the cellular telephone. Just ten years ago, virtually nobody was able to get into a car crash caused by trying to steer and dial at the same time; today, people do this all the time.”

PeopleTryingYearsLooksTodayAbleTechnologyOur LivesCarTenYears AgoCrashImprovingTelephonesSteersCar CrashCellularConstantly Improving
Book:Dave Barry's Gift Guide to End All Gift Guides
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“In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!"”

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Author:Dave Barry
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“But that's kind of an easy stance to be if you're a humor columnist, because you're tending to make fun of the government and the powerful. I'm sort of a soft-core libertarian in that my compass is generally pointing away from 'Let's let the government do this' Does it matter to me that it's Democrats who think we need more elaborate programs that involve shifting money from one group to another group or it's Republicans saying we need to take a harder look at what kinds of things people are watching on cable TV? Neither one of those things strikes me as a good idea.”

PeopleIfsThinkingNeedsLooksKindDoeIdeasMatterGovernmentFunEasyPowerfulGroupsTvsRepublicanProgramHarderDemocratLibertarianStrikesCoreGood IdeasPointingCompassShiftingCablesStanceColumnistsDoes It MatterCable Tv
Author:Dave Barry
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“The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes. . . .”

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Author:Dave Barry
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“Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of the first day even if they have plenty of food and water.”

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Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits
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