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Dave Barry Quotes

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Famous Dave Barry Quotes

“My point here, young couples, is that baby-having is extremely serious business, and you probably don't have the vaguest idea what you're doing, as is evidenced by the fact that you're reading a very sloppy and poorly researched book.”

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Book:Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home
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“All these people helped make this book possible. But let me make one thing clear: If there are any errors or omissions in this book, these people are not responsible. In the end, there is only one person responsible for what I write, and that person, of course, is: Donald Trump.”

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Book:Dave Barry Is from Mars and Venus
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“What women want: To be loved, to be listened to, to be desired, to be respected, to be needed, to be trusted, and sometimes, just to be held. What men want: Tickets to the World Series.”

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Book:All the Dave Barry you could ever want: four classic books in one from America's foremost humorist
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“My theory is that there is a finite amount of intelligence in a family, and you're supposed to gradually transfer it to your children over a period of many years. This is why your parents started to get so stupid just at the time in your life when you were getting really smart.”

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Book:Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home
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“Here in Miami, on weekends, amusement-seekers will come to the marina, set up folding chairs, and spend a highly entertaining day watching boat owners perform comical maneuvers such as forgetting to set their parking brakes and having their cars roll down the ramp and disappear, burbling gaily, below the surface.”

FunnyForgetCarSurfaceDisappearBoatChairsOwnersWeekendEntertainingSailingAmusementSeekersParkingMiamiBrakeComicalFoldingRampBelow The Surface
Book:Dave Barry Talks Back
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“You've read newspaper stories about elderly widows who die and leave their entire estates to their pet cats, right? Well, your cat reads those stories too, and has spent most of its skulking, devious little life dreaming about inheriting all your money.”

WellsLittlesStoriesDreamHumorFunnyDiesCatNewspapersPetEstatesElderlyWidowsDeviousPets Cats
Book:Babies and Other Hazards of Sex: How to Make a Tiny Person in Only 9 Months, with Tools You Probably Have Around the Home
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“Here in the news media, our focus is on speed. When we get hold of some new and possibly inaccurate information, our highest priority is to get it to you, the public, before our competitors do. If the news media owned airlines, there would be a lot less concern about how many planes crashed, and a lot more concern about whose plane hit the ground first.”

IfsFirstsWould BeFunnyFocusMediaInformationNewsHighestConcernSpeedPrioritiesJournalismJournalistPlanesCompetitorsAirlineNews Media
Book:Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism
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“A critical function that we journalists perform at political conventions is to try to get into parties that we have not been invited to. There are dozens of these parties, sponsored by large corporations with a sincere public-spirited desire to become larger.”

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Book:Boogers Are My Beat: More Lies, but Some Actual Journalism
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“One of the issues that we professional newspaper columnists are required by union regulations to voice grave concern about is the federal budget deficit, which we refer to as the "mounting" deficit, because every extra word helps when you have to produce a certain number of gravely concerned newsprint inches.”

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Book:Dave Barry's Greatest Hits
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“You should definitely have a travel agent. Why go through all the hassle of dealing with airlines, hotels, and rental-car agencies yourself, only to see the arrangements get all screwed up, when with just a single phone call you can have a trained professional screw them up for you?”

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Book:Dave Barry's Only Travel Guide You'll Ever Need
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“The Hawaiian Islands were discovered by hardy Polynesian sailors, who crossed thousands of miles of open ocean in primitive canoes, braving violent storm-tossed seas for months at a time. My family and I arrived by modern commercial aviation, which was infinitely worse.”

HumorFunnySeaModernFoodMonthsOceanHumorousMy FamilyStormMilesViolentIslandsAviationPrimitiveAirlineSailorHardyAir TravelHawaiiansPolynesians
Book:Dave Barry Talks Back
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