“Forbes magazine has named Mel Gibson this year's most powerful celebrity. ... Forbes' least powerful celebrity? [Miller displayed the widely circulated image from the Lynndie England photographs of a hooded Iraqi prisoner with wires attached to his outstretched arms] You're looking at him. Screw this guy. ... [He's a] bad guy.” YearsGuyPowerfulArmsEnglandPhotographMagazinesMost PowerfulPrisonerScrewsThis GuyBad GuysWireForbes Author:Dennis Miller
“There's no more delicious irony on the face of the Earth than environmental protesters being led away in plastic handcuffs that have a biodegradability horizon line of, like, 40,000 years.” YearsEarthFacesLinesEnvironmentalIronyHorizonPlasticDeliciousHandcuffs Author:Dennis Miller
“Nothing ruins the mood during foreplay more than the recurring image of your sixty-five-year-old homeroom teacher trying to stretch a condom over a cucumber.” TryingYearsFiveTeacherMoodRuinsFive YearsSixtyFive Year OldsCondomRecurringCucumbers Book:Ranting Again Source: Ranting Again
“Campaign analysts say that Dean has produced the most innovative web site in this year's presidential race. I particularly like today's blog, which consisted of the sentence 'I hate myself,' typed four billion times. In Dean's case, this may be the first instance where the actually entity represented by the web site has crashed more often than the site did.” YearsFirstsMayTodayHateRaceCasesFourI HateSentencesBillionsCampaignsInstancePresidentialEntitySiteInnovativeBlogsDeanAnalystsHate MyselfI Hate Myself Author:Dennis Miller
“I've grown fonder for Hillary Clinton since she ran for the presidency. I think that it's emblematic of the Rolling Stones song, you can't always get what you want, i.e., the grail. Sometimes you get what you need. And whatever she's gotten over the last couple of years, being humbled or be it being humbled and see the proletariat come to bat for her, getting outside of the bubble, getting out of this man's shadow, not quite getting the job she wants but a great wonk job.” ThinkingMenWantNeedsYearsSometimesJobsLastsSongCoupleShadowStonesClintonWhat You WantRanBubblesRollingBatsPresidencyBe HumbleRolling StonesProletariat Author:Dennis Miller
“I had fun pretending to be a sportscaster. People always think that was a down thing for me. I had the best job in sports broadcasting for two years.” PeopleThinkingYearsTwoJobsFunSportsTwo YearsPretendingBest JobBroadcastingHad FunI Had Fun Author:Dennis Miller
“After 7 years of marriage, I am sure of 2 things: First, never wallpaper together and second, you'll need 2 bathrooms . . . both for her. The rest is a mystery, but a mystery I love to be involved in.” NeedsYearsFirstsTogetherMarriageMysteryCoupleInvolvedBathroomYears Of Marriage Author:Dennis Miller
“There's a lot of differing data [about global warming], but as far as I can gather, over the last hundred years the temperature on this planet has gone up 1.8 degrees. Am I the only one who finds that amazingly stable? I could go back to my hotel room tonight and futz with the thermostat for three to four hours. I could not detect that difference.” YearsI CanLastsThreeHoursDifferencesRoomsGoneFourPlanetsDegreesHundredDataGlobal WarmingTonightHotelStableTemperatureHotel Rooms Author:Dennis Miller
“Only man is a narcissistic enough species to think that a highly evolved alien life force would travel across billions and billions of light-years- a group of aliens so intelligent, so insouciant, so utterly above it all, they feel no need whatsoever to equip their spacecraft with windows so that they can gaze out on all that celestial beauty-but then immediately upon landing, their first impulse is to get in some hick's ass with a flashlight.” ThinkingMenNeedsFeelsYearsFirstsEnoughLightForceGroupsWindowIntelligentSpeciesBillionsAssAliensImpulseNarcissismNarcissisticCelestialLandingFlashlightsSpacecraftLight YearsHicksAlien Life Author:Dennis Miller
“Detroit's so bad this year they might lose their bye week.” YearsMightLosesWeekFootballNflDetroitByeFunny American Football Author:Dennis Miller
“In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated that 'if I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago.” IfsYearsLittlesLongDoneWantedDiesMillionsRecordsLong TimeClaimsRegardLawyerIceMarchClientsAgnosticLong Time AgoToads Author:Dennis Miller
“At some point you cannot be the kid in the glass bubble in this world. You might've heard throughout your grade school and high school years that it was a safe, nice, warm, fair, feeling place... but it can get brutal when it gets competitive. Especially when you succeed. Watch the detractors come out of the walls at that point.” WorldYearsFeelingsMightKidsSchoolWatchesNiceHeardThis WorldWallSucceedSafeHigh SchoolFairsGlassesWarmGradesBubblesBrutalGrades In SchoolSchool Years Author:Dennis Miller
“But the biggest fake of the year, Paul Begala's last smile” YearsLastsPoliticsFake Author:Dennis Miller
