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THE ART OF LOVING

Book by Erich Fromm · 50 quotes · Art Of Loving, Love, Love Is

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THE ART OF LOVING Quotes

“Love, experienced thus, is a constant challenge; it is not a resting place, but a moving, growing, working together; even whether there is harmony or conflict; joy or sadness, is secondary to the fundamental fact that two people experience themselves from the essence of their existence, that they are only one with each other by being one with themselves, rather than by fleeing from themselves.”

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“Another nation is made out to be utterly depraved and fiendish, while one's own nation stands for everything that is good and noble. Every action of the enemy is judged by one standard - every action of oneself by another. Even good deeds by the enemy are considered a sign of particular devilishness, meant to deceive us and the world, while our bad deeds are necessary and justified by our noble goals, which they serve.”

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“Our whole culture is based on the appetite for buying, on the idea of a mutually favorable exchange. Modern man's happiness consists in the thrill of looking at the shop windows, and in buying all that he can afford to buy, either for cash or on installments. He (or she) looks at people in a similar way. For the man an attractive girl—and for the woman an attractive man—are the prizes they are after. 'Attractive' usually means a nice package of qualities which are popular and sought after on the personality market. What specifically makes a person attractive depends on the fashion of the time, physically as well as mentally. During the twenties, a drinking and smoking girl, tough and sexy, was attractive; today the fashion demands more domesticity and coyness. At the end of the nineteenth and the beginning of this century, a man had to be aggressive and ambitious—today he has to be social and tolerant—in order to be an attractive 'package'. At any rate, the sense of falling in love develops usually only with regard to such human commodities as are within reach of one's own possibilities for exchange. I am out for a bargain; the object should be desirable from the standpoint of its social value, and at the same time should want me, considering my overt and hidden assets and potentialities. Two persons thus fall in love when they feel they have found the best object available on the market, considering the limitations of their own exchange values. Often, as in buying real estate, the hidden potentialities which can be developed play a considerable role in this bargain. In a culture in which the marketing orientation prevails, and in which material success is the outstanding value, there is little reason to be surprised that human love relations follow the same pattern of exchange which governs the commodity and the labor market.”

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“In addition to conformity as a way to relieve the anxiety springing from separateness, another factor of contemporary life must be considered: the role of the work routine and the pleasure routine. Man becomes a 'nine to fiver', he is part of the labour force, or the bureaucratic force of clerks and managers. He has little initiative, his tasks are prescribed by the organisation of the work; there is even little difference between those high up on the ladder and those on the bottom. They all perform tasks prescribed by the whole structure of the organisation, at a prescribed speed, and in a prescribed manner. Even the feelings are prescribed: cheerfulness, tolerance, reliability, ambition, and an ability to get along with everybody without friction. Fun is routinised in similar, although not quite as drastic ways. Books are selected by the book clubs, movies by the film and theatre owners and the advertising slogans paid for by them; the rest is also uniform: the Sunday ride in the car, the television session, the card game, the social parties. From birth to death, from Monday to Monday, from morning to evening - all activities are routinised, and prefabricated. How should a man caught up in this net of routine not forget that he is a man, a unique individual, one who is given only this one chance of living, with hopes and disappointments, with sorrow and fear, with the longing for love and the dread of the nothing and separateness?”

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“Love is not primarily a relationship to a specific person; it is an attitude, an orientation of character which determines the relatedness of a person to the world as a whole, not toward one “object” of love. If a person loves only one other person and is indifferent to the rest of his fellow men, his love is not love but a symbiotic attachment, or an enlarged egotism. Yet, most people believe that love is constituted by the object, not by the faculty.”

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“Man is gifted with reason; he is life being aware of itself he has awareness of himself, of his fellow man, of his past, and of the possibilities of his future. This awareness of himself as a separate entity, the awareness of his own short life span, of the fact that without his will he is born and against his will he dies, that he will die before those whom he loves, or they before him, the awareness of his aloneness and separateness, of his helplessness before the forces of nature and of society, all this makes his separate, disunited existence an unbearable prison. He would become insane could he not liberate himself from this prison and reach out, unite himself in some form or other with men, with the world outside.”

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“The faculty to think objectively is reason; the emotional attitude behind reason is that of humility. To be objective, to use one's reason, is possible only if one has achieved an attitude of humility, if one has emerged from the dreams of omniscience and omnipotence which one has as a child. Love, being dependent on the relative absence of narcissism, requires the developement of humility, objectivity and reason. I must try to see the difference between my picture of a person and his behavior, as it is narcissistically distorted, and the person's reality as it exists regardless of my interests, needs and fears.”

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“Love is not the result of adequate sexual satisfaction, but sexual happiness—even the knowledge of the so-called sexual technique—is the result of love. If aside from everyday observation this thesis needed to be proved, such proof can be found in ample material of psychoanalytic data. The study of the most frequent sexual problems—frigidity in women, and the more or less severe forms of psychic impotence in men—show that the cause does not lie in a lack of knowledge of the right technique, but in the inhibitions which make it impossible to love. Fear of or hatred for the other sex are at the bottom of those difficulties, which prevent a person from giving himself completely, from acting spontaneously, from trusting the sexual partner in the immediacy and directness of physical closeness. If a sexually inhibited person can emerge from fear or hate, and hence become capable of loving, his or her sexual problems are solved. If not, no amount of knowledge about sexual techniques will help.”

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“The most important sphere of giving, however, is not that of material things, but lies in the specifically human realm. What does one person give to another? He gives of himself, of the most precious he has, he gives of his life. This does not necessarily mean that he sacrifices his life for the other—but that he gives him of that which is alive in him; he gives him of his joy, of his interest, of his understanding, of his knowledge, of his humor, of his sadness—of all expressions and manifestations of that which is alive in him. In thus giving of his life, he enriches the other person, he enhances the others sense of aliveness by enhancing his own sense of aliveness. He does not give in order to receive; giving is in itself exquisite joy. But in giving he cannot help bringing some thing to life in the other person, and this which is brought to life reflects back to him; in truly giving, he cannot help receiving that which is given back to him. Giving implies to make the other person a giver also and they both share in the joy of what they have brought to life. In the act of giving something is born, and both persons involved are grateful for the life that is born for both of them.”

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“Another form of projection is the projection of one’s own problems on the children. First of all such projection takes place not infrequently in the wish for children. In such cases the wish for children is primarily determined by projecting one’s own problem of existence on that of the children. When a person feels that he has not been able to make sense of his own life, he tries to make sense of it in terms of the life of his children. But one is bound to fail within oneself and for the children. The former because the problem of existence can be solved by each one only for himself, and not by proxy; the latter because one lacks in the very qualities which one needs to guide the children in their own search for an answer. Children serve for projective purposes also when the question arises of dissolving an unhappy marriage. The stock argument of parents in such a situation is that they cannot separate in order not to deprive the children of the blessings of a unified home. Any detailed study would show, however, that the atmosphere of tension and unhappiness within the “unified family” is more harmful to the children than an open break would be-which teaches them at least that man is able to end an intolerable situation by a courageous decision.”

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“The main condition preventing love is narcissism. The polar opposite of narcissism is objectivity. The way to have objectivity is reason. The attitude grounding reason is humility. To be objective, to use reason, is only possible if one has achieved an attitude of humility. To engage objectively not only when it meets one's needs, but with the whole of mankind for their own sake, means one is halfway to love. But to love is to commit and give completely oneself to another without guarantee, in the hope that the other will come to conceive love in the other. Love is an act of faith. One attitude then is basic to love: inner activity as the careful productive use of one's powers.”

Humility
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“Love, experienced thus, is a constant challenge; it is not a resting place, but moving, growing, working together; even when there is harmony or conflict, joy or sadness, is secondary to the fundamental fact that two people experience themselves, rather than by fleeing from themselves. There is only one proof for the presence of love: the depth of the relationship, and the aliveness and strength in each person concerned; this is the fruit by which love is recognized.”

LovePsychology
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“Tener fe requiere coraje, la capacidad de correr un riesgo, la disposición a aceptar incluso el dolor y la desilusión. Quien insiste en la seguridad y la tranquilidad como condiciones primarias de la vida no puede tener fe; quien se encierra en un sistema de defensa, donde la distancia y la posesión constituyen los medios que dan seguridad, se convierte en un prisionero. Ser amado, y amar, requiere coraje, la valentía de atribuir a ciertos valores fundamental importancia —y de dar el salto y apostar todo a esos valores—.”

AmorPsicologíaDolorFeAmarCorajeMaterialismoValentíaDesilusiónRiesgo
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“El pensamiento y el juicio no constituyen el único dominio de la experiencia en el que se manifiesta la fe racional. En la esfera de las relaciones humanas, la fe es una cualidad indispensable de cualquier amistad o amor significativos. «Tener fe» en otra persona significa estar seguro de la confianza e inmutabilidad de sus actitudes fundamentales, de la esencia de su personalidad, de su amor. No me refiero aquí a que una persona no pueda modificar sus opiniones, sino a que sus motivaciones básicas son siempre las mismas; que, por ejemplo, su respeto por la vida y la dignidad humanas sea parte de ella, no algo tornadizo.”

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“Reconoceremos que mientras tememos conscientemente no ser amados, el temor real, aunque habitualmente inconsciente, es el de amar. Amar significa comprometerse sin garantías, entregarse totalmente con la esperanza de producir amor en la persona amada. El amor es un acto de fe, y quien tenga poca fe también tiene poco amor.”

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“Mantener la propia opinión sobre una persona, aunque la opinión pública o algunos hechos imprevistos parezcan invalidarla, mantener las propias convicciones aunque éstas no sean populares: todo eso requiere fe y coraje. Tomar las dificultades, los reveses y penas de la vida como un desafío cuya superación nos hace más fuertes, y no como un injusto castigo que no tendríamos que recibir nosotros, requiere fe y coraje.”

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“Es preciso pasar por toda una serie de experiencias de amor fallidas para no buscar inconscientemente en la pareja un eco del amor materno y paterno. Este tardío proceso de desvinculación del amor materno y paterno suele ir acompañado de dolorosas experiencias de renuncia y pérdida. Quien decide resolver un problema mediante el amor ha de tener valor suficiente para superar los desengaños y permanecer paciente a pesar de los reveses.”

AmorPsicologíaDesamorMatrimonioSuperaciónDueloRelaciones AmorosasNoviazgoDesengano AmorosoDesengaño
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“El amor a la vida es el núcleo, un núcleo muy concreto y real, de todo tipo de amor. Quien crea que ama a los seres humanos sin amar la vida, puede desear apegarse a otra persona, pero no amarla de verdad. Nos imaginamos entonces a una persona que ama todo lo que crece y está vivo, que se siente atraída por el crecimiento infantil, por la maduración. Para semejante persona, incluso lo que no está vivo, como una piedra o el agua, se convierte en algo vivo.”

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“El amor sólo es posible cuando dos personas se comunican entre sí desde el centro de sus existencias, por lo tanto, cuando cada una de ellas se experimenta a sí misma desde el centro de su existencia. Experimentado en esa forma, el amor es un desafío constante; no un lugar de reposo, sino un moverse, crecer, trabajar juntos; que haya armonía o conflicto, alegría o tristeza, es secundario con respecto al hecho fundamental de que dos seres se experimentan desde la esencia de su existencia, de que son el uno con el otro al ser uno consigo mismo y no al huir de sí mismos. Sólo hay una prueba de la presencia de amor: la hondura de la relación y la vitalidad y la fuerza de cada una de las personas implicadas; es por tales frutos por los que se reconoce al amor.”

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“Las diferencias en talento, inteligencia, conocimiento, son despreciables en comparación con la identidad de la esencia humana común a todos los hombres. Para experimentar dicha identidad es necesario penetrar desde la periferia hacia el núcleo. Si percibo en otra persona nada más que lo superficial, percibo principalmente las diferencias, lo que nos separa. Si penetro hasta el núcleo, percibo nuestra identidad, el hecho de nuestra hermandad. Esta relación de centro a centro —en lugar de la de periferia a periferia— es una «relación central».”

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“esclarecer e sintetizar ideias por meio da profunda fertilização dos espíritos; mostrar, de diversos e importantes pontos de vista, a correlação de ideias, fatos e valores que estão em perpétuo jogo mútuo; demonstrar o caráter, a conexão, a lógica e a operação do organismo inteiro da realidade, mostrando ao mesmo tempo a persistente inter-relação dos processos da mente humana e, nos interstícios do conhecimento, revelar a síntese interior e a unidade orgânica da própria vida.”

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“A fim de oferecer esse equilíbrio, é necessário estimular a compreensão do fato básico de que, afinal, a personalidade humana individual deve atar todas as pontas soltas em um conjunto orgânico, deve relacionar-se consigo mesma, com a humanidade e com a sociedade, ao mesmo tempo que aprofunda e incentiva sua comunhão com o universo. Alicerçar esse espírito e gravá-lo na vida espiritual e intelectual da humanidade, nos que pensam como nos que atuam, é em verdade enorme e desafiante tarefa”

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“Estar concentrado significa vivir plenamente en el presente, en el aquí y el ahora, y no pensar en la tarea siguiente mientras estoy realizando otra. Es innecesario decir que la concentración debe ser sobre todo practicada por personas que se aman mutuamente. Deben aprender a estar el uno cerca del otro, sin escapar de las múltiples formas acostumbradas.”

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“Most people see the problem of love primarily as that of being loved , rather than that of loving , of one's capacity to love. Hence the problem to them is how to be loved, how to be lovable. In pursuit of this aim they follow several paths. One, which is especially used by men, is to be successful, to be as powerful and rich as the social margin of one's position permits. Another, used especially by women, is to make oneself attractive, by cultivating one's body, dress, etc. .... Many of the ways to make oneself lovable are the same as those used to make oneself successful, to 'win friends and influence people'. As a matter of fact, what most people in our culture mean by being lovable is essentially a mixture between being popular and having sex appeal.”

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“La norma judeo-cristiana de amor fraternal es totalmente diferente de la ética de la equidad. Significa amar al prójimo, es decir, sentirse responsable por él y uno con él, mientras que la ética equitativa significa no sentirse responsable y unido, sino distante y separado; significa respetar los derechos del prójimo, pero no amarlo.”

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“La facultad de pensar objetivamente es la razón; la actitud emocional que corresponde a la razón es la humildad. Ser objetivo, utilizar la propia razón, sólo es posible si se ha alcanzado una actitud de humildad, si se ha emergido de los sueños de omnisciencia y omnipotencia de la infancia. Puesto que el amor depende de la ausencia relativa del narcisismo, requiere el desarrollo de humildad, objetividad y razón. La humildad y la objetividad son indivisibles, tal como lo es el amor. Debo tratar de ver la diferencia entre mi imagen de una persona y de su conducta, tal como resulta de la deformación narcisista, y la realidad de esa persona tal como existe independientemente de mis intereses, necesidades y temores.”

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“Cabe ser sensible con respecto a uno mismo. Tener conciencia, por ejemplo, de una sensación de cansancio o depresión, y en lugar de entregarse a ella y aumentarla por medio de pensamientos deprimentes que siempre están a mano, preguntarse «¿qué ocurre?» «¿Por qué estoy deprimido?» Lo mismo sucede al observar que uno está irritado o enojado, o con tendencia a los ensueños u otras actividades escapistas. En cada uno de esos casos, lo que importa es tener conciencia de ellos y no racionalizarlos en las mil formas en que es factible hacerlo; además estar atentos a nuestra voz interior, que nos dice —por lo general inmediatamente—por qué estamos angustiados, deprimidos, irritados.”

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“Ficar concentrado em relação aos outros significa, antes de tudo, ser capaz de ouvir. Muitas pessoas ouvem as outras, e até dão conselhos, sem ouvir realmente. Não levam a sério o que a outra pessoa fala, nem também levam a sério suas próprias respostas. Em consequência, a conversação deixa-as cansadas. Têm a ilusão de que ficariam ainda mais fatigadas se ouvissem com concentração. A verdade, porém, é o oposto. Qualquer atividade, se feita de maneira concentrada, toma-nos mais despertos”

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“Kesatuan yang dicapai dalam kerja produktif tidaklah bersifat antarpribadi; kesatuan yang dicapai dalam peleburan orgiastik bersifat sementara; kesatuan yang dicapai oleh kesesuaian hanyalah kesatuan semu. Oleh karena itu, semuanya hanyalah jawaban parsial atas masalah eksistensi. Jawaban yang utuh terletak pada pencapaian penyatuan antarpribadi, peleburan dengan pribadi lain, dalam cinta. (Terjemahan Andri Kristiawan, Penerbit Gramedia)”

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“O amor só é possível se duas pessoas se comunicam mutuamente a partir do centro de suas existências e, portanto, se cada uma se experimenta a partir do centro de* sua própria existência. Só nesta “experiência central” existe realidade humana, só aí há vivacidade, só aí está a base do amor. Assim experimentado, o amor é um desafio constante; não é um lugar de repouso, mas é mover-se, crescer, trabalhar juntamente; haja harmonia ou conflito, alegria ou tristeza, isso é secundário em relação ao fato fundamental de que duas pessoas se experimentam mutuamente a partir da essência de sua existência, que são uma com a outra por serem uma consigo mesmas, em vez de fugir de si mesmas.”

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“pode-se ser sensível para consigo mesmo. Tem-se consciência, por exemplo, de uma sensação de cansaço e depressão e, em vez de ceder a ela e sustentá-la por sentimentos deprimentes, que sempre estão à mão, indaga-se de si mesmo: “que aconteceu?” Por que estou deprimido'? O mesmo se faz notando-se quando se está irritado ou encolerizado, ou com tendência a sonhar acordado, ou a outras atividades de evasão. Em cada uma dessas situações, o importante é estar cônscio delas, e não racionalizá-las pelos mil e um modos por que isso pode ser feito; além do mais, estar aberto à nossa própria voz interior, que nos dirá — muitas vezes quase de imediato — porque estamos ansiosos, deprimidos, irritados. A pessoa comum tem sensibilidade com relação a seus processos corporais; nota mudanças, ou mesmo pequenas manifestações de dor; esta espécie de sensibilidade corporal é relativamente fácil de experimentar, porque a maioria das pessoas tem uma imagem do que é sentir-se bem. A mesma sensibilidade para com os próprios processos mentais é muito mais difícil, porque muitos nunca conheceram uma pessoa que funcionasse otimamente. Tomam como a norma o funcionamento psíquico de seus pais e parentes, ou do grupo social em que nasceram, e, enquanto não diferem deles, sentem-se normais e sem interesse em observar qualquer coisa. Muitas pessoas há, por exemplo, que nunca viram uma pessoa amorosa, ou uma pessoa de integridade, coragem ou concentração. É de todo evidente que, a fim de ser sensível a si mesmo, tem-se de possuir uma imagem de funcionamento humano completo, saudável — e como se adquire tal experiência, quando não foi ela tida na própria infância, ou mais tarde na vida? Por certo, não há resposta simples para esta pergunta; mas ela indica um dos mais críticos fatores de nosso sistema educacional. Enquanto ensinamos conhecimentos, estamos perdendo aquele ensinamento que é o mais importante para o desenvolvimento humano: o ensinamento que só pode ser dado pela simples presença de uma pessoa amadurecida e amorosa.”

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