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Gilbert Gottfried

Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

Comedian

Gilbert Gottfried is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and mimicry skills. Born on February 28, 1955, he has achieved success in various comedy fields since the 1970s.

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Famous Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

“R2D2 has gotten more work since “Star Wars” than Carrie Fisher”

War Stars Carrie

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.”

Ifs Agree Arguing

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“You can say "ass," but you can't say "asshole." That's why I always cringe when a character in a TV show refers to someone as an "ass." Unless you're British, calling someone an ass really doesn't work. But those are the rules of television. You can be a dirtbag, but not a scumbag.”

Character Shows Television Tvs Calling British Ass Tv Shows Cringe Scumbags Calling Someone Dirtbags

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.”

Knows Feels Said Jesus Talking Accepting Hell Theory Go To Hell Accept Me

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.”

Ifs Should Firsts Seems Crime Paper Masturbation Death Row

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I always felt bad for Mother Teresa. Mother Teresa lived a whole life helping starving children and dying villages, but she could never be declared a saint 'cause she never actually performed a miracle. And it was towards the end, she was desperate to perform a miracle, so she would go up to starving children and go, 'What's that behind your ear? It's a quarter!”

Children Ends Whole Helping Mother Felt Causes Behinds Dying Ears Miracle Saint Whole Life Desperate Village Quarters Starving Teresa

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.”

Men He Man News Doctors Cancer Checks Thank God Bad News Exam Alzheimer

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I personally think Miles Davis is a lot funnier than me. And he's working more.”

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.”

Ifs Home Jesus Pages Horse Corners Riding Testament Flip Old Testament

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“With Katrina, it's almost like the sequel that doesn't live up to the original. It's certainly a shocking event and a tragedy, but somehow as a big event it doesn't seem to carry as much weight with the public as 9/11 did.”

Bigs Seems Events Weight Tragedy Originals Shocking Sequels Katrina Big Events

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“At the Last Supper how come no one sat on the other side of the table? See, I think originally there were people sitting on the other side but those were the people going, You know, the air conditioning hits me right on the back on the neck.”

People Thinking Knows Lasts Sides Air Sitting Tables Sat Necks Conditioning Supper Air Conditioning Last Supper

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I'm eventually gonna take the Daryl Hannah parts.”

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I've never understood people who say they're not a practicing Jew. You never hear a black guy say he's not a practicing African-American. What does it even mean?”

People Mean Doe Guy Black Understood Jew African American Black Guys

Book:Rubber Balls and Liquor

Source: Rubber Balls and Liquor

“Off-camera, I sound like Perry Como.”

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“Back when Jerry Seinfeld was just another comedian hanging around the clubs, I'd imitate him to amuse myself and the other comics. The club owners would say, 'What are you doing that for? Nobody knows him.'”

Knows Clubs Comedian Owners Nobody Knows Back When Jerry Hanging Around

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“In real life I'm a tall, blond Christian.”

Real Christian Real Life Tall

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“Nothing can help my comedy.”

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old.”

Ifs Feels Years Would Be Political Next Strong Five Minutes Jokes Five Minutes Outdated Political Jokes

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it?”

Ifs Mean Whole Facts House Known Streets Bars Sabbath Synagogue Bar Mitzvah Mitzvah Kosher

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.”

Ifs Want Use Kids Comedy Nice Jokes Blue Clubs Comedian Performing Bad Word Comedy Clubs

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“The 'Phoenix Sun' did a list of the unsexiest men in the world, and I made it to number one. I beat out Bin Laden. He's a terrorist, hasn't bathed in months. I beat him out. To me it was a great honor.”

Men World Made Numbers Sun Months Honor Beats Lists Terrorist Made It Bin Laden Phoenix

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.”

Giving Answers One Day Magazines Interviews Ouch

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I find Washington audiences are basically the same as every other audience; they watch me and go, 'Who's idea was it to go see him? And is it too late to ask for my money back?'”

Ideas Asks Watches Audience Late Too Late Watch Me

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.”

Ifs Way Sleep Figures Terrible Wake Up Going To Sleep Free Time

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.”

People Ifs Actors Waiting Forever Supporting Actors

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“There are times when I've had ideas walking down the street that I thought were great, and the minute I got onstage, I would think of them and go, 'Wow, that would never work,' even before I did it in front of the audience.”

Thinking Ideas Audience Streets Minutes Fronts Walking Wow

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“One pleasant surprise was when I interviewed Butch Patrick. I was expecting this bitter old drunk, and instead he had a total sense of humor about his career and his drinking and drug problem.”

Problem Careers Drug Drinking Surprise Bitter Drunk Pleasant Sense Of Humor Expecting Pleasant Surprises

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I've done a lot of Fox shows since then - Married with Children, Living Single and a whole bunch of other Fox things.”

Children Done Whole Shows Married Bunch Foxes Funny Marriage Married With Children

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.”

Knows Accepting Hell Theory Go To Hell Accept Me

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I sincerely apologize to anyone who was offended by my attempt at humor regarding the tragedy in Japan. I meant no disrespect, and my thoughts are with the victims and their families.”

Tragedy Victim Japan Apologizing My Thoughts Offended Sincerely Disrespect

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“Japan is really advanced. They don't go to the beach. The beach comes to them.”

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“Every time something pops in my head, I think twice about it and I do it anyway.”

Thinking Pops Think Twice

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I just split up with my girlfriend, but like the Japanese say, “They’ll be another one floating by any minute now.””

Minutes Girlfriend Splits Floating My Girlfriend

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“What do Japanese Jews love to eat? Hebrew National Tsunami.”

Racism Jew Hebrew Tsunami

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“Well, I play Jews and parrots. Parrots are how I've branched out.”

Wells Play Jew Parrots

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.”

Ifs Wanted Nice Parrots

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

About the Author

Born: February 28, 1955
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 86

Related Topics

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Popular Topics

People Ifs Thinking Knows Men World Way Want Love Life Inspirational Needs Giving Feels Should Writing Trying Years Mind Firsts

Books & Sources

Rubber Balls and LiquorRelated source material

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