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Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

Comedian

Gilbert Gottfried is an American comedian known for his unique humor style and mimicry skills. Born on February 28, 1955, he has achieved success in various comedy fields since the 1970s.

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Famous Gilbert Gottfried Quotes

“If the police ever try to pick me up, Michael Jackson told me I can hide out at his house.”

Ifs Trying I Can House Picks Police Pick Me Pick Me Up

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it's very funny.”

Ifs Persons Happens Misfortunes

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.”

Ifs Said Shows Party Dinner Als Al Qaeda

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.”

People Ifs Shows Picks Hitting Remote Control

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“If I could cause world peace by taking someone out to lunch, I'd go, 'Well, war isn't that terrible.'”

Ifs World Wells War Causes Terrible If I Could Lunch

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“There are certain things I don't want to joke about. If it's about somebody else, it's fine. If it's about me, I think it's totally insensitive!”

Ifs Thinking Want Certain Fine Jokes Insensitive

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I always wish the hotels were like they are in movies and TV shows, where if you're in Paris, right outside your window is the Eiffel Tower. In Egypt, the pyramids are right there. In the movies, every hotel has a monument right outside your window. My hotel rooms overlook the garbage dumpster in the back alley.”

Ifs Shows Wish Rooms Tvs Window Paris Hotel Towers Tv Shows Egypt Garbage Monument Pyramids Alleys Hotel Rooms Eiffel Tower Eiffel Dumpsters Back Alleys

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I don't know if I change my act from century to century. Sometimes I'm onstage doing imitations and references to people who have been dead for 50 years.”

People Ifs Knows Years Has Beens Sometimes Century Imitation

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I guess if they ever do a remake of 'Sophie's Choice,' I could play the Meryl Streep part. I've got to work on my Polish accent. Maybe I'll be the definitive King Lear one day. You know, if they ever feel that King Lear should be more Jewy.”

Ifs Knows Feels Should Play Choices Kings One Day Accents Polish Sophie Remakes Lear

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I'm one of those people, in any country I'm in, if somebody could just put me in a car or a bus, I'll look out the window and say, 'OK, there's the Tower of London, there's Buckingham Palace, there's Big Ben,' and if it all takes about five minutes, perfect. I've seen all of it and I can go home.”

People Ifs Looks I Can Country Home Bigs Perfect Five Minutes Car Window London Bus Towers Five Minutes Palaces Buckingham Palace

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I have always felt comedy and tragedy are roommates. If you look up comedy and tragedy, you will find a very old picture of two masks. One mask is tragedy. It looks like its crying. The other mask is comedy. It looks like its laughing. Nowadays, we would say, How tasteless and insensitive. A comedy mask is laughing at a tragedy mask.”

Ifs Looks Two Felt Laughing Comedy Cry Tragedy Look Up Mask Insensitive Roommate Old Picture

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“If someone else is paying for it, food just tastes a lot better.”

Ifs Taste

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“If a comedian tells a joke that you find funny, you laugh. If he tells a joke you do not find funny, dont laugh. Or you could possibly go as far as groaning or rolling your eyes. Then you wait for his next joke; if thats funny, then you laugh. If its not, you dont laugh - or at very worst, you can leave quietly.”

Ifs Eye Next Waiting Laughing Worst Jokes Comedian Rolling Groaning

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“With the Internet, if you erase something it just means you have to spend another half-minute to find it.”

Ifs Mean Half Minutes Internet Erase

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“If someone says that I'm the best at anything, I always just agree with them. I'm certainly not gonna argue.”

Ifs Agree Arguing

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“Every time you open the paper now, there seems to be another celebrity getting arrest for masturbation. First, it was Peewee Herman and then George Michael. If masturbation's a crime, I should be on death row.”

Ifs Should Firsts Seems Crime Paper Masturbation Death Row

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.”

Ifs Home Jesus Pages Horse Corners Riding Testament Flip Old Testament

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I always feel that most political jokes, if you're going to do them, you have to do them within the next five minutes, or else they're outdated. By the time you've got it to the point that it's strong, it would be 12 years old.”

Ifs Feels Years Would Be Political Next Strong Five Minutes Jokes Five Minutes Outdated Political Jokes

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I was Jewish, through and through, although in our house that didn't mean a whole lot. We never went to synagogue. I never had a Bar Mitzvah. We didn't keep kosher or observe the Sabbath. In fact, I'm not so sure I would have known what the Sabbath looked like if it passed me on the street, so how could I observe it?”

Ifs Mean Whole Facts House Known Streets Bars Sabbath Synagogue Bar Mitzvah Mitzvah Kosher

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“Some comedians tell nice jokes that you can tell to your kids. Some use bad words - they work 'blue.' If you don't want to hear a joke that's blue, you shouldn't go to a comedy club where a comedian who makes blue jokes is performing.”

Ifs Want Use Kids Comedy Nice Jokes Blue Clubs Comedian Performing Bad Word Comedy Clubs

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“I'm terrible when I have to fill up free time. My days, if I'm not working, I wake up and figure out a way to kill time until it's time to go to sleep.”

Ifs Way Sleep Figures Terrible Wake Up Going To Sleep Free Time

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“If you're a lead actor, people are just waiting to say 'you're too old' or 'you're too unhip.' If you're a supporting actor, you can just work forever.”

People Ifs Actors Waiting Forever Supporting Actors

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

“If they'd wanted a nice parrot, they wouldn't have asked for me.”

Ifs Wanted Nice Parrots

Author:Gilbert Gottfried

About the Author

Born: February 28, 1955
Known for: Comedian
Quotes: 86

Books & Sources

Rubber Balls and LiquorRelated source material

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