“I only like to coat things with the truth, that’s the only apparel things need these days.”
Source: The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories
“After all, what was school for, but to strain your eyes in order to decipher what a doctor had said, which was a question you should especially ask if the prescriptions were from an optometrist that questioned the legitimacy of his teachings.”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“The mule took out two small jars, one of a white gooey texture and another of a blueish red liquid that wasn’t purple because the mule had skipped art class when he was younger”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“The guests also clanked together the special romantic shaped forks with hearts on the points, called valentines.”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“The bitter tasted like the truth, the sweet tasted like a lie.”
Source: The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights
“The only thing you should feel entitled to is gratitude.”
Source: The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories
“The wolves were now permanently mute out of almost three week long perpetual fear of the penguin, and this was agreeable to the penguin, who was much pleased, contrary to the redundancy of the latter part of this sentence where he certainly was not pleased.”
Source: The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights
“She didn’t mean anything by it,' the markhor explained like how racism is perpetuated and exonerated through faulty reasoning”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“The groomer wasn’t provided any dental care or skin care and that’s the truth. Just ask his dentdermatautologist, he’ll tell you.”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“Joyously solve and stay pure with resolve.”
“Her cheekbones were sky high that any pilot would want to become acquainted with, and her cheery smile, paired with her almost auburn hair and enveloping emerald eyes made you want to fly home for the holidays, wizard or no wizard.”
Source: Whisky Hernandez
“Marcel gave an even bigger and more frightening smile that quite possibly lowered the temperature of the room.”
Source: Whisky Hernandez
“But before the man could reach the door, there was a knock, like one that happens to precipitate a courtship meeting for two punctuation marks that are going out to dinner and one really doesn’t like the restaurant, but goes anyway because they’re a comma dating.”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“but only after our own respective prides slowly melted away, like a lion family ice sculpture being left near those restaurant heaters that a maître d’ was going to have to blame a waiter for so she could keep her job and he could lose his as payback for him dumping her for the ice sculptor.”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“like two single people playing cat and mouse for way too long, where the cheese has long since expired for the mouse and the mouse is way too malnourished for the cat.”
Source: The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights
“He somehow managed to convey an eagerness to please yet was skeptical as to whether he should; it was a self-betrayal countenance.”
Source: Whisky Hernandez
“That and the music was blaring. So loud that the radio station asked if they could keep it down as they cared about the safety of their listeners.”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“wondering if Hercules was available, pondering the twelve labors of Hercules assuming that Hercules was a mythical Greek obstetrician”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“flurry of tuna that ate a caduceus because they had a lot of mercury in them”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“her hips were having an argument with the upper half of her body as to who was to get more eye contact”
Source: Whisky Hernandez
“She could see a police car zooming into the parking lot and she ushered with her hands like a bullfighter on a runway that had lost his cape, but needed to get out of Spain to atone for his sins”
Source: Whisky Hernandez
“so I was in desperate need to bever which is a verb for when you consume a beverage. And if you say it isn’t and I agree with you, then I simply ask the question why 'bever' isn’t a word. 'Feed' is a word. You feed on food, but you don’t bever a beverage? That won’t do, so I must make it do, and now it has been done.”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“yet one animal food critic in particular commented that his dish had a certain ‘je ne sais’, but all that was missing was the ‘quoi’.”
Source: The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights
“It all began when Santa’s helpers demanded Universal Elf Care.”
Source: The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights
“Had he worn a sweater tied around his neck he could have served as the undeniable unintentional intimidating model poster boy for all the ever disappearing middle-class parents who saw the brochure for any ivy league school and were dreading money they had to shell out.”
Source: Whisky Hernandez
“so the bartender knew he would be paid handsomely. Not beautifully, but handsomely as there is a subtle distinction and one all pretty boys need to hear.”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“like someone who obsessively collects paintings of hoarders”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“The judge drummed with his fingers on his desk but the band of toes still wouldn’t let him in yet. Though he didn’t want to be in that special orchestra where a practical joker was known to put water and a powdered fruity dessert mix in large stringed instruments of which the stunt was known as cello Jello.”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“the designer music shop that sold status cymbals.”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“one man asked his friend, 'So how is her figure?', to which the reply was, 'Ballpark'.”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“The following morning, Wilhelmina awoke to a lone lily pad moaning after escaping from an exquisite Monet painting piece that was hosting some shades of watercolor chips that were a century and half-oldish that subbed as a dish for artsy gourmet-eating tadpoles that had both a yearning for the foggy past and longing for their froggy future.”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“tomatosauceruruses (the first Italian dinosaurs)”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“He also would be traveling soon as he heard that the best deals on baby furniture were in The Cribbean.”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“He remembered that he did have one thing going for him – his memory.”
Source: The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories
“the most traumatized are the ones who shape our culture like a microbiologist shapes clay on their lunch break after looking at too many cultures,' the skunk explained.”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“as he buzzed his wings with excitement, eyeing and eyeyanging the containers more closely, which he always did when looking at anything because he used both the dark and light part of his eyes to see.”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“even when written in a solid white line consideration is still a two-way street.”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“Glancing around for his friends eenie, meenie, miney, and mo, they were nowhere to be found and he was left stranded with this lane picking dilemma, so he grimaced and picked the first lane offered.”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“His mentality was dressed up as a moral code, but when naked, was simply a preference.”
Source: The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories
“The lion forever owed his pride and life to his wife, showing some humility, but we’ve all done things we’re not proud of.”
Source: The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights
“The mummy felt betrayed, like when a spouse agrees on a movie you decided to watch only to put on a different movie as you go to the bathroom, having to sit through the whole movie and not argue about it because it’s not worth fighting over, just boiling up inside and remembering it for later when they want their coffee with half-and-half, knowing that you put 2-percent milk in there and they won’t know, but you will.”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“had his fingerprints taken and coffeemug shot taken from all four angles of him sipping a cup of coffee”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“Even the perfume-free fragrance in your delightful bubble bath you were taking was from one of my first collections, Eau de Water”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“I’d say he’s about 5’12,” Sebastian said.
“That’s 6’,” Whisky said.
“Yeah, same thing.”
Source: Whisky Hernandez
“Don’t judge a book by its cover because the criminal justice system is already overcrowded as it is.”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“He had been thrown into the dungeon after refusing to accept that ‘bridegroom’ was no longer an acceptable term to call a groom. Needless to say, he had been there quite a long time.”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“He had flowing coarse parted fiery crimson hair and with coals for eyes his entire smooth ruddy face seemed to be holding back a furnace that ignited the rest of his head; he utilized his umbrella as a poker to close the door and walked into the hearth of the house - the kitchen table.”
Source: Whisky Hernandez
“There was, as the building was not ship-shape much like a boat that didn’t prepare for bikini season.”
Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites
“as they marched out on their way to band practice to get fitted for new hats to hide foam rollers in, as the athletic director was very against the band members having smooth fascia and demanded they have sore muscles while the football team played.”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats
“The hummingbird realized that this was a psychological tightrope that he had to navigate carefully, so he did it sideways because this was the only way he could move when perched”
Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats