J.S. Mason Quotes

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Famous J.S. Mason Quotes

“After all, what was school for, but to strain your eyes in order to decipher what a doctor had said, which was a question you should especially ask if the prescriptions were from an optometrist that questioned the legitimacy of his teachings.”

School Funny Teaching Humorous Witty Clever Sarcasm Prescriptions Optometrist Optometry

Book:The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

“The mule took out two small jars, one of a white gooey texture and another of a blueish red liquid that wasn’t purple because the mule had skipped art class when he was younger”

Art School Funny Color Humorous Witty Clever Sarcasm Colors Art School

Book:The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

“The wolves were now permanently mute out of almost three week long perpetual fear of the penguin, and this was agreeable to the penguin, who was much pleased, contrary to the redundancy of the latter part of this sentence where he certainly was not pleased.”

Funny Fear Silence Humorous Witty Clever Agreement Wolves Penguins Fourth Wall

Book:The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

Source: The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

“She didn’t mean anything by it,' the markhor explained like how racism is perpetuated and exonerated through faulty reasoning”

Humor Funny Racism Humorous Logic Witty Clever Insensitive Insensitivity Explaining Yourself

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“The groomer wasn’t provided any dental care or skin care and that’s the truth. Just ask his dentdermatautologist, he’ll tell you.”

Funny Humorous Logic Witty Clever Absurd Satire Dentist Quirky Dermatology

Book:The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

“But before the man could reach the door, there was a knock, like one that happens to precipitate a courtship meeting for two punctuation marks that are going out to dinner and one really doesn’t like the restaurant, but goes anyway because they’re a comma dating.”

Funny Humorous Dating Witty Dinner Clever Absurd Courtship Punctuation Wordplay

Book:The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

“wondering if Hercules was available, pondering the twelve labors of Hercules assuming that Hercules was a mythical Greek obstetrician”

Funny Fun Humorous Labor Witty Mythology Clever Hercules Obgyn Obstetrician

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“her hips were having an argument with the upper half of her body as to who was to get more eye contact”

Funny Fun Beauty Humorous Argument Witty Clever Hips Hilarious Quirky

Book:Whisky Hernandez

Source: Whisky Hernandez

“She could see a police car zooming into the parking lot and she ushered with her hands like a bullfighter on a runway that had lost his cape, but needed to get out of Spain to atone for his sins”

Funny Sin Humorous Witty Clever Spain Hilarious Quirky Sins Matador

Book:Whisky Hernandez

Source: Whisky Hernandez

“so I was in desperate need to bever which is a verb for when you consume a beverage. And if you say it isn’t and I agree with you, then I simply ask the question why 'bever' isn’t a word. 'Feed' is a word. You feed on food, but you don’t bever a beverage? That won’t do, so I must make it do, and now it has been done.”

Humor Funny Answers Food Humorous Food For Thought Witty Clever Questions Beverages

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“yet one animal food critic in particular commented that his dish had a certain ‘je ne sais’, but all that was missing was the ‘quoi’.”

Funny Food Humorous Cooking Critics Witty Clever French Intangible Wordplay

Book:The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

Source: The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

“like someone who obsessively collects paintings of hoarders”

Humor Funny Humorous Witty Clever Obsession Hilarious Collecting Hoarding Paintings

Book:The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

“The judge drummed with his fingers on his desk but the band of toes still wouldn’t let him in yet. Though he didn’t want to be in that special orchestra where a practical joker was known to put water and a powdered fruity dessert mix in large stringed instruments of which the stunt was known as cello Jello.”

Funny Music Humorous Witty Clever Absurd Orchestra Dessert Judges Drummers

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“the designer music shop that sold status cymbals.”

Humor Funny Music Humorous Witty Absurd Sarcasm Status Wordplay

Book:The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

“one man asked his friend, 'So how is her figure?', to which the reply was, 'Ballpark'.”

Funny Beautiful Beauty Humorous Baseball Witty Attraction Clever Body Image Wordplay

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“He also would be traveling soon as he heard that the best deals on baby furniture were in The Cribbean.”

Humor Funny Travel Humorous Witty Clever Beach Furniture Babies Carribean

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“Glancing around for his friends eenie, meenie, miney, and mo, they were nowhere to be found and he was left stranded with this lane picking dilemma, so he grimaced and picked the first lane offered.”

Humor Funny Fun Humorous Witty Clever Absurd Decisions Dilemma Bowling

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“had his fingerprints taken and coffeemug shot taken from all four angles of him sipping a cup of coffee”

Funny Photography Humorous Fingers Witty Coffee Clever Absurd Coffee Quotes Angles

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“Even the perfume-free fragrance in your delightful bubble bath you were taking was from one of my first collections, Eau de Water”

Funny Water Humorous Witty Clever Perfume Fragrance Cologne Fragrances Bubble Bath

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“I’d say he’s about 5’12,” Sebastian said. “That’s 6’,” Whisky said. “Yeah, same thing.”

Funny Fun Humorous Witty Silly Clever Height Hilarious Quirky Approximation

Book:Whisky Hernandez

Source: Whisky Hernandez

“Don’t judge a book by its cover because the criminal justice system is already overcrowded as it is.”

Funny Law Books Humorous Witty Clever Criminal Justice Criminal Justice System Lawyers Don T Judge A Book By Its Cover

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“as they marched out on their way to band practice to get fitted for new hats to hide foam rollers in, as the athletic director was very against the band members having smooth fascia and demanded they have sore muscles while the football team played.”

Funny Football Humorous Witty Clever Absurd Muscles Sarcasm Athletics Marching Band

Book:The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

“The hummingbird realized that this was a psychological tightrope that he had to navigate carefully, so he did it sideways because this was the only way he could move when perched”

Humor Funny Psychology Humorous Witty Clever Absurd Sarcasm Birds Hummingbird

Book:The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

Source: The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating Treats

“Her mane was red-herring tinted, but that would be misleading as it was mostly brunette.”

Humor Funny Mystery Hair Humorous Witty Clever Brunette Red Heads Red Herring

Book:Whisky Hernandez

Source: Whisky Hernandez

“I’d normally spare you the details, but that would kind of defeat the purpose of writing a story.”

Humor Funny Humorous Witty Clever Satire Insightful Narrator Snarky Fourth Wall

Book:The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories

Source: The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable Stories

“Many items the skunk had were of the highest quality including bathroom vanities and hand and paw washing areas constructed by Finland’s well-known designer, Helsinki.”

Humor Funny Humorous Witty Clever Designer High Quality Finland Designers Skunk

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“was in everyday attire with sand-colored jeans and a denim-blue buttoned-down shirt with his lean muscles defined underneath and exposed with his rolled-up sleeves. His tannish skin was peppered with freckles and he was bestowed with a natural rouge on his face; matched with his dry wavy dirty blonde hair he looked like a scarecrow that had given up the farm in favor of greener racing pastures.”

Funny Humorous Witty Clever Hilarious Farm Whimsical Freckles Scarecrow Denim

Book:Whisky Hernandez

Source: Whisky Hernandez

“this Mime here said to the others 'I wouldn’t talk if I were you' before their exam.”

Humor Funny Humorous Witty Wit Silly Clever Mime Exams Mimes

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“much like a when a bullfighter comes home he struts through the matadoor”

Humor Funny Humorous Witty Wit Clever Absurd Quirky Bullfighting Matador

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“There was an excitability about him that seemed it could dissipate at any moment as though he were Christmas in July but rather than sporting holiday cheer and sparkling fireworks, he offered the showing of amateur eggnog hangover and explanations about the lack of permits to the fire department.”

Funny Humorous Witty Clever Christmas Hilarious July Fireworks Whimsical Eggnog

Book:Whisky Hernandez

Source: Whisky Hernandez

“They also spent time relaying ancestors’ stories including the Stone Age Kentucky Derby, where saber tooth tigers raced and the haughty humans watched and drank their flint juleps.”

Humor Funny Humorous Witty Alcohol Ancestors Stone Age Kentucky Derby Mixed Drink Saber Toothed Tiger

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“He had been shuffled out so quickly he didn’t even realize what he was wearing, like a King of Spades who wanted to file a complaint to the playing card company manufacturer for not drawing him a garden tool like he specifically asked for.”

Funny Humorous Witty Complaining Clever Cards Gardening King Quirky Playing Cards

Book:The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

Source: The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand Delights

“male seahorse, complaining and nagging and wondered why those two verbs are deemed feminine and attributed to female behavior when males are capable of and do that just as often”

Funny Feminism Behavior Humorous Witty Complaining Clever Femininity Masculine Seahorses

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“which when compounded with the straw he was using to take intermittent sips with from his drink, conjured up an image of him as a real-life toy heat engine drinking bird that appears in science classes.”

Humor Funny Science Humorous Witty Clever Heat Birds Straws Whimsical

Book:Whisky Hernandez

Source: Whisky Hernandez

“He too was running off, but it was in the direction of the barn, and he was making a case for not being a jockey but a racing equine himself.”

Humor Funny Humorous Witty Clever Racing Horses Equine Jockey Barn

Book:Whisky Hernandez

Source: Whisky Hernandez

“which was so easy a staples button could do it”

Humor Funny Fun Humorous Witty Clever Absurd Buttons Commercial Office Supplies

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“He swam past the prawn broker shop which sold used fish”

Funny Sea Ocean Humorous Witty Clever Absurd Swimming Fish Pawn Shop

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“as her marriage was on the rocks and thin ice simultaneously, which surprisingly the latter is not verbiage for alcohol lingo, unlike the former, which is.”

Humor Funny Marriage Rocks Humorous Witty Divorce Alcohol Clever Ice

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

“but the Mime protested without talking and that were the kind of activists the racist misogynist homophobic xenophobic non-claustrophobic because he worked in a nightclub owner preferred as he agreed everyone had a voice as long as they didn’t speak with it.”

Funny Racism Humorous Witty Activism Clever Misogyny Homophobia Xenophobia Mimes

Book:A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

Source: A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious Bites

About the Author

Known for: Author
Quotes: 77

Books & Sources

A Dragon, A Pig, and a Rabbi Walk into a Bar...and other Rambunctious BitesRelated source material

The Satyrist...And Other Scintillating TreatsRelated source material

Whisky HernandezRelated source material

The Ghost Therapist...And Other Grand DelightsRelated source material

The Stork Ate My Brother...And Other Totally Believable StoriesRelated source material