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Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes

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Famous Mark Twain Quotes

“Why was the human race created? Or at least why wasn't something creditable created in place of it? God had His opportunity. He could have made a reputation. But no, He must commit this grotesque folly - a lark which must have cost Him a regret or two when He came to think it over and observe effects.”

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Book:Mark Twain’s Letters & Speeches (Annotated Edition)
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“There's nobody for me to attack in this matter even with soft and gentle ridicule-and I shouldn't ever think of using a grown up weapon in this kind of a nursery. Above all, I couldn't venture to attack the clergymen whom you mention, for I have their habits and live in the same glass house which they are occupying. I am always reading immoral books on the sly, and then selfishly trying to prevent other people from having the same wicked good time.”

PeopleThinkingTryingKindBookMatterReadingHouseHabitWeaponsGlassesPositive AtheismGentleWickedGood TimesCensorshipVentureImmoralRidiculeNurserySlyClergymenGlass Houses
Author:Mark Twain
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“It is not like studying German, where you mull along, in a groping, uncertain way, for thirty years; and at last, just as you think you've got it, they spring the subjunctive on you, and there you are. No- and I see now plainly enough, that the great pity about the German language is, that you can't fall off it and hurt yourself. There is nothing like that feature to make you attend strictly to business.”

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Book:The Complete Works of Mark Twain: All 13 Novels, Short Stories, Poetry and Essays
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“Heaven knows insanity was disreputable enough, long ago; but now that the lawyers have got to cutting every gallows rope and picking every prison lock with it, it is become a sneaking villainy that ought to hang and keep on hanging its sudden possessors until evil-doers should conclude that the safest plan was to never claim to have it until they came by it legitimately. The very calibre of the people the lawyers most frequently try to save by the insanity subterfuge ought to laugh the plea out of the courts, one would think.”

PeopleThinkingKnowsShouldTryingLongEnoughEvilHeavenLaughingCuttingPlansOughtClaimsCourtPrisonLawyerInsanityLong AgoLocksRopeDoersVillainyGallowsSubterfugeEvil Doers
Author:Mark Twain
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“You may say a cat uses good grammar. Well, a cat does -- but you let a cat get excited once; you let a cat get to pulling fur with another cat on a shed, nights, and you'll hear grammar that will give you the lockjaw. Ignorant people think it's the noise which fighting cats make that is so aggravating, but it ain't so; it's the sickening grammar they use.”

PeopleThinkingGivingWellsMayDoeUseHumorFunnyNightFightingCatExcitedIgnorantNoiseShedPullingGrammarFurIgnorant PeopleAggravating
Book:A Tramp Abroad
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“Man is the Reasoning Animal. Such is the claim. I think it is open to dispute. Indeed, my experiments have proven to me that he is the Unreasoning Animal... In truth, man is incurably foolish. Simple things which the other animals easily learn, he is incapable of learning. Among my experiments was this. In an hour I taught a cat and a dog to be friends. I put them in a cage. In another hour I taught them to be friends with a rabbit. In the course of two days I was able to add a fox, a goose, a squirrel and some doves. Finally a monkey. They lived together in peace; even affectionately.”

ThinkingMenTwoAbleTogetherCoursesHoursSimpleAnimalDogTaughtCatClaimsAddFoolishExperimentsReasoningIncapableProvenFoxesMonkeysCagesWriting LifeDisputesRabbitsSimple ThingsDoveGeeseTwo DaysSquirrels
Author:Mark Twain
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“The lightning there is peculiar; it is so convincing, that when it strikes a thing it doesn't leave enough of that thing behind for you to tell whether-Well, you'd think it was something valuable, and a Congressman had been there.”

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Book:Mark Twain’s Comedy Classics: 190+ Stories & Sketches (Illustrated Edition): The Complete Short Stories of Mark Twain: A Double Barrelled Detective Story, Those Extraordinary Twins, The Stolen White Elephant, The Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaveras County, Sketches New and Old, Mark Twain’s Library of Humor…
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“That is an editor. He is trying to think of a word. He props his feet on a chair, which is the editor's way; then he can think better. I do not care much for this one; his ears are not alike; still, editor suggests the sound of Edward, and he will do. I could make him better if I had a model, but I made this one from memory. But is no particular matter; they all look alike, anyway. They are conceited and troublesome, and don't pay enough.”

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Book:Mark Twain's Essays: Top Essays
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“We all belong to the nasty stinking little human race, & of course it is not nice for God's beloved vermin to scoff at each other... Oh, we are a nasty little lot-& to think there are people who would like to save us & continue us. It won't happen if I have any influence.”

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Book:Mark Twain-Howells Letters: The Correspondence of Samuel L. Clemens and William D. Howells, 1872-1910
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“Nations do not think, they only feel. They get their feelings at second hand through their temperaments, not their brains. A nation can be brought -- by force of circumstances, not argument -- to reconcile itself to any kind of government or religion that can be devised; in time it will fit itself to the required conditions; later it will prefer them and will fiercely fight for them.”

ThinkingFeelsKindFeelingsHandsGovernmentFightingForceNationsBrainConditionsFitCircumstancesArgumentTemperamentReconcileSecond Hand
Book:What Is Man?
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