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Mark Twain

Mark Twain Quotes

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Famous Mark Twain Quotes

“The Christian Bible is a drug store. It´s contents have remained the same but the medical practice continues. For 1,800 years these changes were slight--scarcely noticeable... The dull and ignorant physician day and night, and all the days and all the nights, drenched his patient with vast and hideous doses of the most repulsive drugs to be found in the store´s stock. He kept him religion sick for eighteen centuries, and allowed him not a well day during all that time.”

YearsWellsChristianNightFoundPracticeCenturyDrugSickPatientStoresMedicalIgnorantDullPhysiciansDay And NightEighteenHideousDose
Author:Mark Twain
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“What is the most rigorous law of our being? Growth. No smallest atom of our moral, mental, or physical structure can stand still a year. It grows--it must grow smaller or larger, better or worse--it cannot stand still. In other words, we change--and must change, constantly, and keep on changing as long as we live. What, then, is the true Gospel of consistency? Change. Who is the really consistent man? The man who changes. Since change is the law of his being, he cannot be consistent if he's stuck in a rut.”

IfsMenYearsLongStillsLawGrowsGrowthMoralHe ManStructureStuckConsistentAtomsSmallestConsistencyRutsStuck In A Rut
Author:Mark Twain
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“My brother had just been appointed Secretary of Nevada Territory--an office of such majesty that it concentrated in itself the duties and dignities of Treasurer, Comptroller, Secretary of State, and Acting Governor in the Governor's absence. A salary of eighteen hundred dollars a year and the title of "Mr. Secretary," gave to the great position an air of wild and imposing grandeur. I was young and ignorant, and I envied my brother.”

YearsBookStatesYoungActingAirPositionBrotherDutyOfficeHundredDignityDollarsAbsenceIgnorantTitlesMy BrotherTerritoryGovernorsSecretaryMajestySalaryGrandeurEighteenImposingEnviedNevadaTreasurer
Book:10 Books in 1
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“I thought tamarinds were made to eat, but that was probably not the idea. I ate several, and it seemed to me that they were rather sour that year. They pursed up my lips, till they resembled the stem-end of a tomato, and I had to take my sustenance through a quill for twenty-four hours. They sharpened my teeth till I could have shaved with them, and gave them a 'wire edge' that I was afraid would stay; but a citizen said 'no, it will come off when the enamel does' - which was comforting, at any rate. I found, afterward, that only strangers eat tamarinds - but they only eat them once.”

YearsDoeMadeSaidIdeasEndsFoundHoursFourCitizensTwentiesRateLipsEdgesStrangerTeethCulinaryStemComfortingWireSourTomatoesSustenanceQuills
Book:60 WESTERNS: Cowboy Adventures, Yukon & Oregon Trail Tales, Famous Outlaws, Gold Rush Adventures & much more: Riders of the Purple Sage, The Night Horseman, The Last of the Mohicans, Rimrock Trail, The Hidden Children, The Law of the Land, Heart of the West, A Texas Cow-Boy, The Prairie…
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“One must keep one's character. Earn a character first if you can, and if you can't, then assume one. From the code of morals I have been following and revising and revising for 72 years I remember one detail. All my life I have been honest - comparatively honest. I could never use money I had not made honestly - I could only lend it.”

IfsYearsFirstsHas BeensMadeCharacterUseRememberMoralAtheismHonestAssumingDetailsFollowingPositive AtheismHonestlyCodeRevising
Author:Mark Twain
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“To be human is to have one's little modicum of romance secreted away in one's composition. One never ceases to make a hero of one's self, (in private,) during life, but only alters the style of heroism from time to time as the drifting years belittle certain gods of his admiration and raise up others in their stead.”

YearsHumansLittlesSelfRomanceCertainStyleHeroRaisesCeaseAdmirationHeroismCompositionDriftingBelittleRaise Up
Book:The Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated Edition): Novels, Short Stories, Memoir, Travel Books, Letters, Biography, Articles & Speeches: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer & Huckleberry Finn, Life on the Mississippi, Yankee in King Arthur's Court…
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“You have noticed that the human being is a curiosity. In times past he has had (and worn out and flung away) hundreds and hundreds of religions; today he has hundreds and hundreds of religions, and launches not fewer than three new ones every year. I could enlarge on that number and still be within the facts.”

YearsHumansStillsFactsTodayPastThreeHuman BeingsNumbersCuriosityFewerWornWorn OutTimes PastReligion Today
Book:Delphi Complete Works of Mark Twain (Illustrated)
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“There is in life only one moment and in eternity only one. It is so brief that it is represented by the fleeting of a luminous mote through the thin ray of sunlight - and it is visible but a fraction of a second. The moments that preceded it have been lived, are forgotten and are without value; the moments that have not been lived have no existence and will have no value except in the moment that each shall be lived. While you are asleep you are dead; and whether you stay dead an hour or a billion years the time to you is the same.”

YearsHas BeensMomentsValuesHoursExistenceEternityForgottenBillionsVisibleRaysSunlightFleetingFractionsLuminous
Book:Mark Twain's notebook
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“The average man is what his environment and his superstitions have made him; and their function is to make him an ass. He can't add up three or four new circumstances together and perceive what they mean; it is beyond him. He is not capable of observing for himself; he has to get everything at second-hand. If what are miscalled the lower animals were as silly as man is, they would all perish from the earth in a year.”

IfsMenYearsMeanMadeHandsEarthTogetherThreeAnimalEnvironmentFourCircumstancesCapableFunctionAddAverageSillyAssPerceiveSuperstitionsObservingAverage ManSecond Hand
Book:In defense of Harriet Shelley
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“Heroine: Girl in a book who is saved from drowning by a hero and marries him next week, but if it was to be over again ten years later it is likely she would rather have a life-belt and he would rather have her have it. Hero: Person in a book who does things which he can't and girl marries him for it.”

IfsYearsPersonsDoeBookGirlNextWeekHeroTenSavedBeltsDrowningHeroinesNext Week
Book:Collected Tales, Sketches, Speeches & Essays: 1891-1910
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“If science exterminates a disease which has been working for God, it is God that gets the credit and all the pulpits break into grateful advertising-raptures and call attention to how good he is. Yes, he has done it. Perhaps he waited a thousand years before doing it. They forget to say that he is the slowest mover in the universe, that his Eye That Never Sleeps, might as well, since it takes a century to see what any other eye can see in a week.”

IfsYearsWellsHas BeensDoneMightEyeUniverseSleepForgetAttentionBreakWeekCenturyThousandDiseaseGratefulCreditAdvertisingHis EyesThousand YearsRapturePulpitNever SleepWorking For God
Author:Mark Twain
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“The observance of Thanksgiving Day-as a function-has become general of late years. The Thankfulness is not so general. This is natural. Two-thirds of the nation have always had hard luck and a hard time during the year, and this has a calming effect upon their enthusiasm.”

YearsTwoHardNationsNaturalEffectsLateThirdsFunctionLuckEnthusiasmHard TimesThanksgivingDayThankfulnessBeing ThankfulCalmingThanksgiving DayObservanceCalming Effect
Book:Following the Equator:
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“What a wee little part of a person's life are his acts and his words! His real life is led in his head, and is known to none but himself. All day long, the mill of his brain is grinding, and his thoughts, not those of other things, are his history. These are his life, and they are not written. Everyday would make a whole book of 80,000 words -- 365 books a year. Biographies are but the clothes and buttons of the man -- the biography of the man himself cannot be written.”

MenYearsLittlesPersonsLongBookRealWholeLife IsBrainKnownWrittenClothesEverydayReal LifeButtonsBiographiesMills
Author:Mark Twain
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“I do not fear death. I had been dead for billions and billions of years before I was born, and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.”

InspirationalYearsBelieveDeathReligionSufferingDiesFearBornAtheismDyingDiedEntrepreneurAtheistBillionsLife And DeathSarcasticIronicDeath And DyingAgnosticPublishersFear Of DeathThere Is No GodFunny RelationshipInconvenienceHumoristsDo Not FearFinalityDying DeathThere Being No GodInspirational DeathBefore DeathFear Of DyingNot Afraid Of DeathBeautiful DeathDo Not Fear Death
Author:Mark Twain
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“When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be 21, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.”

MenLoveYearsHumorMotivationalAgeFunnySuccessFatherFamilyBoysLearningIgnoranceDadEntrepreneurParentingSevenMy DadIgnorantOld AgeBirthdaySarcasmSarcasticOld ManIronicDay To DayFatherhoodPublishersOld PeopleSeven YearsOur FatherAstonishingFamily LoveTwenty OneFourteenFathers DayHumoristsAbout FamilyLive And LearnChildren And ParentsBeing A FatherFunny AgingBirthdays And AgingGreat FatherAge And YouthBeing A DadInspirational Family LoveFunny ParentFunny AgeIgnorant PeopleYou Live And You LearnStaying YoungFathers Day InspirationalFunny Fathers DayFatheringGreat DadFunny FatherFunny Happy Fathers DayInspirational FatherFathers Day PoemsFathers Day CardFatherhood InspirationalFunny DadFather Son RelationshipFather Time
Book:Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations
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“I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it. It will be the greatest disappointment of my life if I don't go out with Halley's Comet. The Almighty has said, no doubt: "Now here are these two unaccountable freaks; they came in together, they must go out together.”

IfsYearsSaidTwoTogetherNextDoubtDisappointmentNo DoubtFreakAlmightyNext YearCometsHalley's Comet
Book:Mark Twain at Your Fingertips: A Book of Quotations
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“There are some books that refuse to be written. They stand their ground year after year and will not be persuaded. It isn't because the book is not there and worth being written -- it is only because the right form of the story does not present itself. There is only one right form for a story and if you fail to find that form the story will not tell itself.”

IfsWritingYearsDoeBookStoriesFormFailingWrittenRefuse
Book:Mark Twain's Satires and Burlesques
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“The so-called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive ... but in spite of their religion, not because of it. The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetic in childbirth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical curse pronounced against Eve. And every step in astronomy and geology ever taken has been opposed by bigotry and superstition. The Greeks surpassed us in artistic culture and in architecture five hundred years before Christian religion was born.”

YearsHas BeensUseChristianReligionCultureNationsBornChurchSinChristianityStepsTakenFiveAtheismHundredDiscoveryInnovationArchitectureAstronomyArtisticGreekCurseSpiteEnlightenedBigotryProgressiveSuperstitionsBiblicalScience And ReligionAvoidedEvery StepChildbirthGeologyScience ReligionChristian AtheistScience Vs ReligionChristian NationAnesthetics
Author:Mark Twain
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“Solomon, who was one of the Deity's favorites, had a copulation cabinet composed of seven hundred wives and three hundred concubines. To save his life he could not have kept two of these young creatures satisfactorily refreshed, even if he had fifteen experts to help him. Necessarily almost the entire thousand had to go hungry for years and years on a stretch. Conceive of a man hardhearted enough to look daily upon all that suffering and not be moved to mitigate it.”

IfsMenYearsLooksTwoEnoughHelpingYoungSufferingThreeWifeViolenceThousandCreaturesHundredMovedSevenHungerSatisfactionHungryCrueltyExpertsFifteenDeitiesCabinetsViolence Against WomenPolygamyInhumanitySolomonRefreshmentsHaremConcubinesHeartlessness
Book:Letters from the Earth: Easyread Edition
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“The mind that becomes soiled in youth can never again be washed clean. I know this by my own experience, & to this day I cherish an unappeased bitterness against the unfaithful guardians of my young life, who not only permitted but compelled me to read an unexpurgated Bible through before I was 15 years old. None can do that and ever draw a clean sweet breath again on this side of the grave.”

KnowsYearsMindYoungSidesCan DoMy OwnYouthSweetDrawsBreathsCleanGravesThis DayCherishBitternessCompelledGuardianUnfaithfulYoung Life
Author:Mark Twain
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“So you see, the quality of humor is not a personal or a national monopoly. It's as free as salvation, and, I am afraid, far more widely distributed. But it has its value, I think. The hard and sordid things of life are too hard and too sordid and too cruel for us to know and touch them year after year without some mitigating influence, some kindly veil to draw over them, from time to time, to blur the craggy outlines, and make the thorns less sharp and the cruelties less malignant.”

ThinkingKnowsYearsHardHumorValuesQualityInfluenceDrawsSalvationCrueltyVeilsMonopolyThornsOutlinesBlur
Book:Mainly the truth: interviews with Mark Twain
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“Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.”

InspirationalYearsFunnyScienceNextHellWeekAcceptedResolutionUsualNew YearNext YearAnnualsNew Years EveNext WeekHappy New YearNew Year's ResolutionsNew Years ResolutionNew Year New BeginningNew Year New StartHappy New Year EveNew Years Eve InspirationalDays Of The YearFunny Happy New YearNew Year WishesGreat YearNew Year New MeOld YearInspirational New YearNew Years Eve LoveNew Years ToastFunny New YearsFunny New Years EveFunny New Years ResolutionNew Years DayPavingIndian Happy New YearSpiritual New YearNew Years Eve GreetingsPaving The Way
Book:Mark Twain Speaks for Himself
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“The business aspects of the Fourth of July is not perfect as it stands. See what it costs us every year with loss of life, the crippling of thousands with its fireworks, and the burning down of property. It is not only sacred to patriotism and universal freedom, but to the surgeon, the undertaker, the insurance offices - and they are working it for all it is worth.”

YearsLossPerfectCostOfficeAspectUniversalSacredPropertyBurningWorking ItFourth4th Of JulyJulySurgeonsNot PerfectFireworksUndertakerBurning Down
Book:Mark Twain's Speeches
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“Whatever a man's age, he can reduce it several years by putting a bright-colored flower in his button-hole.”

MenYearsAgeFlowerHolesButtons
Book:MARK TWAIN: 12 Novels, 195 Short Stories, Autobiography, 10 Travel Books, 160+ Essays & Speeches (Illustrated): Including Letters & Biographies – The Complete Works of Mark Twain: The Adventures of Tom Sawyer & Huckleberry Finn, The Innocents Abroad, Yankee in King Arthur's Court, Life on the Mississippi…
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“Life was a fairy-tale, then, it is a tragedy now. When I was 43 and John Hay 41 he said life was a tragedy after 40, and I disputed it. Three years ago he asked me to testify again: I counted my graves, and there was nothing for me to say. I am old; I recognize it but I don't realize it. I wonder if a person ever really ceases to feel young - I mean, for a whole day at a time.”

IfsFeelsYearsMeanPersonsSaidWholeAgeYoungThreeRealizingWonderYears AgoTragedyGravesCeaseTalesFairyThree YearsFairy TaleHaySaid Life
Book:Mark Twain’s Letters & Speeches (Annotated Edition)
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